Harry Potter and the Time Travel Related Pun
by DJ Baby Bok Choi
Summary: It's one of those stories where Harry goes back in time to fix everything. But when he messes up the timeline beyond all recognition, can he still do whatever it was he was trying to do in the first place? UPDATED: Mo' chapters, mo' problems.
1. Year One Harry Ruins Everything

Unlike what the epilogue had said, not all was well. In fact, everything was unwell. Dark wizards had plotted to revive Voldemort somehow, and they succeeded in the end. Harry Potter went back into action, but in this third war against Voldemort he lost everything and everyone he held dear. Even Luna. "There must be some way I can prevent all of this," he said angrily to himself.

Dumbledore, who was a nearby painting, heard him. "Well, you could send your soul through the veil at the Department of Mysteries. That will send it back in time, to merge with your younger self."

"That would work?" gasped Harry. "So, does that mean Sirius-?"

"No Sirius is dead," Dumbledore said very quickly. "But if you went far back enough, you might be able to save him. Of course, there are issues with this idea, seeing as it's entirely theoretical. Also I just made it up."

"Even if you just made it up," Harry said, putting on goggles as he got on his motorcycle (Author's note: he has a motorcycle), "I have to try."

Within the hour he had made it through the ruins of London to the Ministry of Magic. It had been the main Auror base when Neo-Voldemort attacked, so it had held up slightly better than other buildings. The Department of Mysteries was untouched in the battle, so Harry made his way to it.

He soon came upon the veil. "How far are you going back?" asked Dumbledore's painting.

"The beginning of my first school year," Harry said.

"How much will you change things? You might make them worse in the end!" Dumbledore said, because he's a Negative Nancy. He should be more of a Positive Pete, or a Dandy Don Meredith.

"Well, I have deeper knowledge of magic now, ever since we let those nonmagic scientists study it." When Voldemort came back again, the wizarding government let Muggles in on the secret world of wizards, seeing as what did it matter? If Voldemort killed them all then that'd be it. The Muggles agreed, on the stipulation that wizards not call them Muggles, as that was "their word". Magic and nonmagic alike stood to learn much from each other, and found that everyone had different magical potential that played a great deal in how strong a wizard was.

"But your knowledge of this, could result in you getting Sorted into a different House," Dumbledore explained.

"Probably. I'll worry about that when it comes to it. So long, Dumbledore, you were a true bro." He bumped fists with the Dumbledore painting, and leapt into the veil.

"GRYFFINDOR!" bellowed the Sorting Hat as Harry realized where he was. He was about to be Sorted, while someone in front of him just got into Gryffindor. Harry thought to himself about the revelations of magic.

Gryffindors were, primarily, ones who had great magical power, but for one reason or another, could not fully utilize it. Slytherins tended to lack magical power, but wielded what they had with finesse…also they were evil. Ravenclaws were pretty much just like Slytherin, only not evil. And Hufflepuffs, to Harry's surprise, had great power and skill, but many did not use it because they were browbeaten as the "worthless" house. No matter your potential, if everyone says you suck, you start to believe it. This was actually intentional, on the other three founders' parts, because the story of how they founded Hogwarts was also perverted by the passing of time.

Godric Gryffindor was pretty much the same as legends remembered him, but decidedly more low-key. Rowena Ravenclaw was the same too I guess, because I can't recall when if ever they described her. Slytherin, however, was grossly different from how modern day remembers him, for his name was Slappy and his primary characteristic was being evil. However, Hufflepuff was definitely different. Her name was Henrietta Hufflepuff, and rather than being the "normal" one who might have also been fat, she was a sexy, powerful witch who hexa-wielded wands, one between each finger on her hand. She was ridiculously badass, and it was said the other founders were jealous of her, because it's like the Superfriends. Flash is obviously jealous of Superman, because he has the one thing that makes Flash awesome (his hygiene) and also a bunch of other powers like super-ventriloquism. Yeah, the founders were like the Superfriends. Ravenclaw was like Batman, Gryffindor was like that one Native American guy who could grow really big, and Slytherin was like the one time they had Lex Luthor on the Superfriends. Hufflepuff was then Superman and several others put together. So anyways, they wrote up a school charter, but the other three founders secretly added a part making it sound like Hufflepuff was the washout house. So that when kids would listen to the Sorting Hat's song (which, remember, was owned by Gryffindor), they would think going into Hufflepuff was for losers. Some people may have known the truth, so they ended up going there, but few knew it as certain as Harry did.

The Hat went over Harry's head. "I know the secret, Hat," Harry thought at it, "I'm going to Hufflepuff."

"You've made a powerful enemy today, my friend," the Hat hissed, but shouted "HUFFLEPUFF" as well. Harry walked over to the Hufflepuff table. He started to plan out how he, eleven-year-old Harry, could start fixing the problems of the future. First things first, he'd stop Voldemort's first resurrection and destroy the Horcruxes. Then, to prevent his second resurrection, he would make sure that Bellatrix Lestrange didn't accidentally create a Horcrux when she killed Sirius (because that happened) and then use the Amulet of Marakhesh to revive Voldemort. It was going to be a kickass, sexy adventure for Harry Potter, as he makes new friends, probably meets old friends, battles old enemies, battles new enemies, and meet/battles frenemies.

Unfortunately, Ron and Hermione went to Gryffindor, which meant it would be hard for Harry to talk to them, plus they would think he's from the loser house. Also, people from other houses were like banned from talking to each other or something, unless it was Gryffindor and Slytherin, and even then that was just to antagonize each other. So Harry sat down at the table, and picked out two random people he'd decided were going to be his stand-in Ron and Hermione. He picked out a blond boy and a girl with brown hair that was the opposite of bushy. "Hi, I'm Harry Potter, I killed Voldemort, you're welcome," he said. Damn, he thought, successfully traveling back in time has made me kind of an asshole!

"I'm Magical Trevor," said the boy.

"And I'm Hannah Weasley," said the girl.

"Are you related to Ron Weasley?" Harry asked her.

She grabbed his face and started shaking it, shouting "NO!" She let him go, "Sorry about that."

"It's all right," Harry said, when he caught the eyes of Professor Quirrel. "Oh yeah, forgot about that guy," he muttered. He was about to add "he's Voldemort you know," but decided against it so he didn't sound crazy.

"So, are we all just ignoring the fact that he suddenly has a turban now?" said Cedric Diggory.

"Hey Cedric," Harry said, "You're looking a lot less dead. Good for you."

"What?" Everyone asked.

"Damn!" Harry said, "I have to keep my knowledge of the future a secret! Or the consequences will be dire!"

"What are you talking about?" Hannah asked.

"Also I should try thinking things instead of saying them. Anyways, guys, what's the deal with Hufflepuff?"

"Seriously," Trevor agreed, "What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"

"Well, our founder was Helga Hufflepuff, and she was the fat dumpy friend of the four founders, and also she kind of sucked," Cedric parroted the same story every young wizard was told.

"What if she wasn't?" Harry asked.

"What do you mean?" Cedric asked.

"What if she was kickass and awesome? I dunno, there was something about half a page up there about her being Superman or something."

"Hmm," Cedric asked, "I never thought critically before. I'll ask that one throwaway teacher about it. I think he was the ghost one."

"Wow, no one ever made Cedric think before!" One of the Hufflepuffs said, "And since he was the only important Hufflepuff in canon, that makes you like, super awesome!"

"Yes," Harry whispered, "Just as planned."

He and Trevor went to the Hufflepuff dorm. The gimmick behind the Hufflepuff painting was one of those Find Six Differences pictures, and once you found all of them it opened up. As you might imagine, this would be a huge hassle when you wake up at like Ass o'clock in the morning because you really have to pee and it's dark out and you took your contacts out and the last thing you want to do is pick out which dog has angry eyes in one of the pictures. Upon choosing a bed, Harry got out a notebook he had foolishly chosen to label "Things I Need to do in the Past". If anyone asked about it, he could say he's writing a book about going back in time to kill Voldemort. He sincerely hoped no one ever asked about it.

He decided to start by writing everything he or Voldemort did during his years at Hogwarts. First was the whole thing about the Sorcerer's Stone (or maybe it was the Philosopher's Stone, he was in Britain, after all). Then there was the Tom Riddle diary, which means he'd have to re-befriend Ron so he'd be more easily able to save Ginny. Then Voldemort took a year off while Harry saved Sirius, and he could probably do that bit a good deal better this time around. Then Voldemort was revived, then nothing happened for an eternity until Sirius was killed. Then Snape killed Dumbledore on page 606, and then Harry and his friends went camping for a month and very quickly destroyed all the Horcruxes and Voldemort.

"You know, put on paper, it doesn't really seem like a lot happened," Harry sighed. He spent the rest of the day with Trevor and Hannah, trying to convince them it would be really funny to pull off Quirrel's turban during class, but he got the feeling they just thought he was racist. Wait, was Quirrel actually Arabian? I don't even remember anymore.

He woke up in the middle of the night, and headed down to the Great Hall, because the castle had shifted so that it had the closest bathroom. Well, there was a closer bathroom, but it was haunted. Not by Moaning Myrtle, there was another, entirely unrelated bathroom ghost. This one was far worse, though, he was the ghost of a hipster who was killed when he was trying to write a love song for this girl he liked, and he was a terrible songwriter. Like, you don't even know how terrible. His song was a couple of chords, followed by a few lines that didn't really rhyme, and the chorus was him repeating over and over again how he'd like his dream girl to sit on his face. Harry had the misfortune of meeting that ghost during his third year the first time around, when due to it being Burrito Night, he had to spend around a half hour of straight-up lyrical garbage.

But anyway, Harry found himself in the Great Hall, when a hole in time and space opened up and crapped out the Dumbledore painting. "Dumbledore Painting!" Harry said, hugging the picture.

"Yeah, the future sucked anymore- you were like, the only person who I knew that was still around, well, other than that damn hipster ghost," see, that huge paragraph up there had a point, "so I decided to come back here and make sure you don't screw up the future unless it's to destroy Voldemort. How's that going, by the way? You keeping to the original timeline so far?"

"No, I'm in Hufflepuff now, and I have two new friends who aren't Ron and Hermione."

"Oh. That could be bad."

"Wait," Harry paused, "Do you remember where various key objects were during this time? I mean, I could probably go and do all that like, right now."

"Harry, I'm going to be honest for the first time in my life- the first four years you were here, I was completely stoned out my mind the entire time. It was only after Voldemort was revived that I dialed it back and smoked a lot less, so I was baked, but still ready for whatever the Dark Lord threw at me," Harry stared at him, "For the love of Wizard Jesus, Harry, I was a one hundred and fifty year old man who had different types of candy be the password to his office, that you give to a magic gargoyle, no less. What part of that does NOT scream drug user?"

"I see. So, if I were to go to your office right now-?"

"You wouldn't even get there, man, you'd get a contact high by the time you got to Ravenclaw Tower, then you'd get the munchies and head down here to force Flibbertygibbet, that's one of the house-elves, to make you a sandwich as big as a house. And he'd do it, too. Flibbertygibbet was the man. I loved that guy, which made it all the more sadder when he was tragically killed one of the times something bad happened," a tear dripped from the portrait's eye, "Hey!" He brightened up, "You can save him!"

"Yes! I can save him, and Sirius, and Luna, and everyone!"

"Yeah, all those guys. Oh, crap, I just remembered why this all sounds so familiar," said the painting as the TRUE and HONEST Dumbledore AND NOTHING LESS entered the hall.

"Flibbertygibbet! I need the 420 special, extra happy," said Human Dumbledore.

Harry froze in place. Would a time paradox cruelly crush the genitals of the universe now, before his adventure truly began?

"Hey!" Dumbledore said, and Harry was sure he was the one being addressed, "That is one handsome painting you have there, young man."

"Thank you, sir," Harry said.

"Now, go on off to bed. And try not to sexually assault anything on the way up," Dumbledore stumbled off.

"What was that about?" Harry whispered to the painting.

"Oh, while you were in your first year, that was what the older kids were focused on. Someone had touched one of the knights in his bathing suit area, and we were sure it was one of the students. Then it turned out to be Mr. Filch, because he gets so very lonely. I couldn't fire him, he knew too much about me, so I think we just blamed it on Hagrid like the Chamber of Secrets."

"Professor I'm learning a lot about you now that I'm not sure I'm comfortable with."

"Remember that book Rita Skeeter wrote after I died? She didn't have the HALF of it, man, like, you don't even know."

Guided by the headmaster's poignant words, Harry returned to his dorm and did the Six Differences picture, only this one turned into a screamer halfway through.

"Sorry sir, I can't risk the others finding out about you, so you'll have to hide here," Harry said, cramming the portrait underneath his mattress.

"Oh, it's fine my boy, apparently Cedric Diggory used this mattress last, and he left a stash of Wizard Playboy in here," said the painting, muffled from underneath the cushion.

Harry paused, and took the picture out, "I thought J.K. Rowling outed you as gay?"

"No, no, no, see, Dumbledore was as gay as the sunrise. But I'm a painting of Dumbledore. Totally different. Now, put me back in there, Miss September and I were having a discussion about her lack of underpants." He put him back in there, pulled the sheets over his head, and started to make a plan. But he didn't get too far, and started thinking about tigers instead. Still wide awake, he reached under the mattress to grab a Wizard Playboy, but he felt a light rap on his fingers. "You're eleven, Harry, you wouldn't know what to do with her."

The next day was the first day of school, and Harry found he and his new friends in Potions class. Harry had a plan- if he could make Snape not hate him vehemently because his dad was sort of unpleasant to him a few times like twenty years ago, then it might make this class a bit easier. Unfortunately, even Future Harry had trouble coming up with plans.

"Hello Professor Snape, I was just talking with my friends Hannah and Trevor about what a dickweasel my dad was."

"Are you trying to curry favor with me, Potter?" snarled Snape. "Well, it worked. Five points to Hufflepuff, since clearly they teach you how to correctly identify dickweasels in there."

"What are you talking about?" Hannah whispered.

"It's ok, this is going to make things a lot easier for the three of us from now on."

"You there," Snape said to Trevor, who started to panic. "I like your haircut. Five more points to Hufflepuff." He looked at Hannah, "And you haven't made an impression on me yet. I like that. It shows you don't care what others think of you. Ten points to Hufflepuff."

"Wow, Professor Snape, you're like the coolest teacher ever suddenly!" said Harry.

"Damn straight," he said, "All right, everyone open up your potions books," and they did take out their Potions textbook, which was just a Chemistry textbook with "Potions" written overtop the old title.

After that, Harry and his friends had Herbology with the Gryffindors. This was his chance to reconnect with his old friends, as having to deal with stand-ins was pretty awkward. Harry had kept asking Hannah about her Muggle dentist parents and Trevor about all his brothers. Even worse, without Hermione he had to do his homework himself. But already his fiddling with the time-stream had caused things to become quite unstable. "Who's that badass?" Trevor asked as someone entered the room.

"Sup bitches, I'm Ron Kick-Ass Weasley," said Ron, who wore sunglasses and a black leather jacket. "This here is my best friend, Neville Ladykiller Longbottom." Neville had an eyeptach and a robot arm.

"What? That's weird. I knew Ron and Neville before, and they weren't anything like this," Harry said. He decided to quickly cover for himself, adding "I meant I met them on the train, not that I'm from the future." Finding strange looks from his friends, he changed the subject, "Where'd he get a robot arm anyways?"

"And how did an 11 year old kid get an eyepatch?" Trevor asked.

"He's a badass, that's how. He must eat sand and shit glass!" Hannah said dreamily.

"This is bad, I have to go talk to my painting about this!" Harry said, leaving the table and running back to his room.

"That's the weirdest euphemism for going to the bathroom I've ever heard," said Professor Sprout. "All right everybody, open up Beginner Plantography to page xix, and take a look at the acknowledgments. This book wouldn't be here without those people."

Harry ran through the halls of Hogwarts, bumping into Professor McGonagall. "Oh, sorry Professor," he said.

"Running in the halls, Potter?" She somehow knew his name despite him not having Transfiguration yet, "And during class time? Where are you supposed to be?"

It was time for a gambit. "Where are YOU supposed to be?" he asked.

"I was just…uh, on my smoke break while the kids practice making…why am I answering you? Fifteen points from Hufflepuff. And get back to class."

"Uh, I forgot my plant-handling tongs. I need to get them from my room."

"Ok, but if you aren't back in class, I will see to it that you get punished severely."

"Did someone say punished Severus?" Snape said, entering the hall. "Ah, Potter, there you are. I told you to not stomp around the halls so much." He turned to McGonagall, "I told him to get some supplies for me on his way to class. I wrote a pass for him and everything." He presented her with a hallpass that looked legit.

"I see. Well, in that case, Potter, the nest time you are on a teacher's orders to be somewhere, kindly tell me that instead of coming up with weak excuses," McGonagall said, going back to her cigarette.

"Uh, yes, sorry Professor," he said, "And thank you," he never would have thought Snape would save him from detention like that.

"Yes, yes, run along."

"Why did you help me like that?"

"You remind me of your mother- I used to be a friend of hers." Oh, is that what they're calling stalkers these days? He gave him the hallpass and went back to his dungeon.

Harry hurried along his way. Had that attempt to get on Snape's good side actually worked for real? He went back to the Hufflepuff Common room and lifted up his mattress. "Dumbledore painting!" He said, "Things have changed! Like, seriously!"

"Really? Like how?"

"Ron and Neville are badasses! Even though I didn't go that far back…what's happening?"

"The timeline is too unstable, it might mean," the painting paused, "Perhaps other time travelers are working to change this time period as well."

"But who?"

"I don't know. I would say you repeat what happened in your first year exactly. If you change things too much, you run the risk of all your future knowledge becoming worthless. What else has changed?"

"Well, now Snape's a pretty cool guy to me."

"Snape was always a pretty cool guy. Once, he and I went to a strip club, and I gave this chick a Galleon to put her boobs on his head. But then he made the fat stripper give me a lap dance, so he won that night."

"Wait," Harry asked, confused, "Do you mean YOU you or actual human Dumbledore you?"

"Oh, I get it, I'm not an actual human, I'm just a painting. But yeah, it was me."

"Why did Snape take a painting to a strip club?"

"Maybe you might have realized this sometime in the thirty whatever years you've been alive, but Snape is not very good in social situations."

"Good point," Harry agreed, "Ok, so what do I do to preserve the timeline?"

"I don't know, at this point maybe you should just cut your losses and go straight for the Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone."

Despite hearing this advice, Harry decided to arbitrarily wait until almost the end of the year to do anything about it. He, Hannah, and Trevor were walking back from dinner one night when he suddenly remembered this. "Hey, we should probably check out this spooky forbidden door they told us to never go into."

"Yeah! Maybe if we do, people will say we're as cool as Ron and Neville!" said Trevor.

"I don't know, maybe we should think this through," Hannah said, before busting up laughing, "I'm just kidding. Let's run in there and start blindly slinging spells!"

"Hell yeah!" cheered Harry, and he and his new friends all clacked knuckles. They kicked open the door, finding Ron, Hermione, and Neville fighting Fluffy. "Oh yeah, forgot about that dog."

"Wait, why are you guys here?" asked Trevor.

"Word is the legendary Sorcerer's/Philosopher's Stone is at the bottom of the school," said Ron, "And that if you collect all seven of them, you can wish for anything!" He dodged a swipe of Fluffy's paws and punched it in the nose, knocking one of the heads unconscious.

"Do you think these Hufflepuffs are trying to get the Stone for themselves?" asked Neville as he quickly adjusted the settings on his robot arm. The hand shifted into a gun, and he used it to fire off a powered up Stupefy spell blasting another of the dog's heads into unconsciousness.

"Not if we get it first!" said Ron, "All right Hermione, finish it off!"

Hermione nodded, and fired a Stupefy spell as hard as she could. Harry could sense the power put behind her attack as the dog fell to the ground, still breathing, but out cold.

"Wait, we could all help each other," Harry said.

"Typical Hufflepuff Let's-All-Be-Friends rhetoric," snarled Ron, who in the other timeline probably wouldn't even know what the word rhetoric meant.

"That being said, it might be useful," said Hermione. Harry knew he could count on her to be sensible. "There are supposed to be many trials down there, we could use the help."

"All right," said Ron, "But I'm the leader, got it? No matter if you're Harry Goddamn Potter."

"Right," said Harry, but the others pulled him aside.

"They seem to be jerks," said Trevor.

"Seriously!" agreed Hannah, "I just want to punch that stupid other Weasley in the face. Neville's ok, though."

"We can't let someone bad take the stone, though, we need to bring it to Dumbledore so he can hide it somewhere better," Harry said.

"Ok, sure," they shrugged, and they rejoined the Gryffindors who were about to head down into the Devil's Snare. The rest of the trials went pretty easily, as Harry had done them already, except when they got to the logic puzzle. The first time around he had just tuned everything out until Hermione told him which one to drink.

"There's only enough for one of us to drink," said Hermione, as luckily the same thing happened and she solved it herself.

"Not it," Trevor said.

"I'll do it," said Harry.

"Like hell you will!" Ron said, butting in front of him. "This time a Weasley gets to be the hero!"

"That doesn't rule out me," Hannah stared him down. "I'm a Weasley, even if I don't share any relation to you!"

"I already said I'd do it!" Harry shouted.

"On second thought, this doesn't seem so bad," Trevor shrugged, "I'll do it too."

"Maybe I should do it, what if there are more logic puzzles?" Hermione reasoned.

"You guys," said Neville, "I just knocked down the wall with my kickass robot arm, we can all go," indeed he had, and the six were in the chamber with the Mirror of Backwards Desire. Also there was Professor Quirrel, who, spoiler, was Voldemort.

"Kill the spare," Voldemort hissed.

"But there are like, five spares," said Quirrel. He took off his turban, revealing Voldemort.

"So THAT's why you kept trying to take his turban off!" Hannah said, "You really weren't just being racist!"

"Ok, there are five spares, but they're all eleven, this should be really easy," reasoned Voldemort.

"Oh no you don't!" Harry said, but he was elbowed aside by Ron.

"Everyone get back, it's me he wants!" Ron bellowed, raising his wand to duel with Voldemort.

"Is this kid joking? Avada-" before he could finish, he was hit in the stomach by six Stupefy spells, and he collapsed to the ground.

"I've got him, don't worry!" Harry said, charging headlong into Quirrel and touching his face.

"What are you doing?" Hannah asked. "Are you going to make out with him?"

"Maybe this could work," reasoned Trevor, "It could get Quirrel fired."

"Wait, why isn't this killing you?" Harry wondered, "Oh, right! I'm not a Horcrux anymore!"

"Hor-what?" asked Quirrel.

"Never you mind Quirrel!" Voldemort said, "Just kill Potter and get that stone!" Quirrel fired a blast of spell energy, while Harry dodged and counterattacked. Since Voldemort wasn't using his wand, just Quirrel's, he could not count on using Priori Incantantem to make a beam struggle. He could, however, count on his future magical strength to completely blow Voldemort away with a new spell he just came up with.

"Destroyus Voldemortus!" Harry said, waving his wand. Everyone in the chamber stared at him, including his parents from within the mirror. "Yeah, I don't know why I thought that would work. Sorry everybody, that was my bad," he admitted. "Oh, wait! Reducto!" He fired a burst at Quirrel, who did not see this coming, and it exploded. This is what I never got- there's a curse for killing people, and that's totally evil, but a spell that blows things up is not only allowed but taught in schools. It's like a society outlaws handguns but teaches children how to use dynamite. Wait, was Reducto a cutting spell? That's just as bad.

"Well, Quirrel, this has been fun old boy, but I need to be on my way," said Voldemort as he peeled himself from the back of the teacher's skull. "As for you, Potter and his assorted group of friends, I'll be back! In only three years, if my current plan holds up!" He disappeared into ether.

Dumbledore walked through the broken hole in the wall. "Ah, there you all are."

"Headmaster Dumbledore!" gasped Hermione, "What are you doing here?"

"Hm? I was just wandering. Figured I'd check on the old eternal life stone, but it seemed Quirrel beat me to it…what's wrong with his head?"

"It's a long story," Harry began.

"Well come along, we'll head to the Great Hall, and we can discuss what happened over giant sandwiches." They explained what they saw, Harry playing dumb the whole time. "Well, I've always said Voldemort's weakness was that he had no friends. So, by showing up with six of you there it probably made him go like "aw man, that sucks, they have so many more friends than I do": which is probably why you beat him. I do find it a bit hard to believe six eleven year olds were able to handle the Dark Lord himself, though. Perhaps if there were five eleven year olds, and one adult who had come back in time to Peggy Sue himself a better history- I could buy that," he glared at Ron suspiciously during this last part. "Well, these giant sandwiches always go through me faster than Mexican food, so I'll be on my way," Dumbledore said, heading to the nearest bathroom that had shifted near them. They heard his screams of terror, "Oh Wizard God! Stop singing!"

They also heard the cause of his shouts, a chilling song that drifted on the wind, "And my dream girl is oh-so pretty, and I'd really really love it if she sat on my face."

"I can't decide if that's better or worse than eating an earwax flavored bean the first time around," Harry said.

Just to answer this, Dumbledore then shouted, "Oh, no! The door's broken! Somebody get Hagrid!"

"Ok, it's worse," he decided.

"Agh!" Dumbledore cried, "Flibbertygibbet, this is all your fault you wonderful son of a bitch!"

It was time to go home for the summer, and all the students were gathering at the train station. "I swear, it seems like each year goes by faster and faster," said Cedric.

"Well, I'll see you guys next year," said Harry to his new friends, "I've got to go back at home with the DUMBsleys," Not getting the joke, Hannah and Trevor smiled politely, "Wait, maybe I should've said the JERKsleys, am I right? Heh, Jerksleys. That's good."

"Hey!" called Ron. He, Neville and Hermione came up to Harry. "Look, mate, sorry about the attitude I gave you the other day with that guy with the other face. But that was real stand-up of you the way you leapt in front of me to take the spell for me. So I'm going to let you be part of my entourage."

"Can't we just be friends?" Harry asked.

"Hm…Ok, that works too. Your friends seem all right too, so they can be respective friends with Neville and Hermione." He heard his mother, and tried to play this off as cool, "Well, that's my old lady. See you around, Harry."

"See you later, Ron, you're a true bro," said Harry, as he and Ron bumped fists. As he got on the train ride, he took out that sheet of paper he had started writing when he first got to the past. Next to a bulletpoint he labeled "Events of Year One" he put a checkmark.

NEXT TIME: With Quirrel defeated and Voldemort set back, Harry is all set to tackle the events of Year Two and the spooky diary that mindcontrols people. But when Draco realizes he wasn't in Chapter One at all, will he take out his revenge on Harry? Also, will Quidditch happen (I'm thinking no)? Also the timeline is getting increasingly effed up when another time traveler appears! Is it Sirius, who actually had been sent back in time after all? Or is it someone evil? Are those really the only two possible options for it? Find out, in the next exciting-but-not-like-sexually-exciting chapter of Harry Potter and the Time Travel Related Pun!


	2. Year Two Smokin' in the Boys' Room

Draco kicked open the doors to the Slytherin Common Room. "Curse that Harry Potter, and that Ron Weasley, and their assorted friends! I shall show them what happens when you mess with the Death Eaters!" Draco looked about the room, "Crabbe! Goyle!" His lackeys did not appear, so he went with less constant hangers-on. "Pansy! Blaise Zabini!" They too, did not appear. However, the Bloody Baron did float in. "Gah, finally, there you are Crabbe. Where's Goyle?" He paused, realizing something was amiss. "You look good, Crabbe. Did you lose weight?"

"I'm the Bloody Baron," said the ghost, making this, if I'm remembering correctly, the first time he has ever spoken.

"Where is everyone?" Draco asked.

"Uh," the ghost began, "It's Chapter Two. The beginning of Chapter Two, to be honest, in a story where each chapter more or less translates to a year of school except with all the boring stuff cut out. This means that it's currently Summer, so everyone else is in their homes." Draco stared at him, confused. "Yes, I know, it may seem odd that I am able to address the meta nature of the story, but as a ghost, much like how I have one foot in the modern day and another in the afterlife, I too am straddling the fourth wall."

"So, Harry Potter is currently at home, safe and far away, and I get entirely left out of Chapter One!" Draco fumed.

"Looks that way."

Draco contorted his face, and shouted out "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-"

…

HARRY POTTER AND THE TIME TRAVEL RELATED PUN CHAPTER TWO: SMOKIN' IN THE BOY'S ROOM

…

Harry Potter snapped awake. He could tell that somewhere in the countryside, someone had just started to swear. He hadn't been sleeping very well lately; he kept thinking about the future and what it had in store. His normal method to avoid such manners, by thinking about tigers, was not working as well as it had been. He knew that soon, Dobby would start intercepting his mail, to keep him from coming back to Hogwarts.

Still, it was morning now, so Harry forced himself out of bed. He changed clothes and decided to head outside for a bit, because how else is this plot going to progress? I mean, sure, he could stay in his room and read newspapers until the plot just happened around him, but didn't we all get sick of that in Book 4? I kid, though, Book 4 was all right. Order of the Phoenix, though? Don't get me started.

My (possibly?) controversial opinions of the series aside, though, Harry happened upon Dobby hiding out front. "Dobby, what are you doing?" He asked, even though he knew.

"How did Harry Potter Sir know my name?"

"How did YOU know MY name?" One of these days, this gambit was going to work.

"Harry Potter, Sir, you must not go back to Hogwarts! If you do, terrible danger will befall you!"

"Last year I exploded Quirrel-Voldemort, I think I'll be fine," Harry said.

"Oh did you now?" came a voice unlike any Harry had heard before. Only I was lying just then, it was actually Quirrel's. He was wrapped in a cloak behind Harry.

"But, you're supposed to be dead?" Harry gasped, backing away from the form behind him.

"Perhaps, but that matters not now," said Quirrel, who removed the cloak revealing his cyborg body. There was a metal plate where Voldemort had previously occupied, and various robotic parts added to where his chest had been damaged by the explosion. He had a robot arm, but unlike Neville's, this was clearly designed to be used as a killing tool. "I can get my revenge, and The Boy Who Lived will become The Boy Who Got Killed By Mecha-Quirrel!"

"See, Dobby? I run into extreme danger like this all the time. School is actually a break from crap like this," he shrugged.

Unfortunately, the loud robot had attracted undue attention from Uncle Vernon, who burst from his house, his face turning purple from anger, as opposed to being from difficulty breathing. "What the hell is going on out here, boy?"

"Bah, Muggles," said Mecha-Quirrel, as he pointed his robot arm at Uncle Vernon, "I should kill the rest of your family, that should undue any blood magic protecting you, shouldn't it?"

"Reducto!" cried Harry, firing a spell at the cyborg, who generated a shield to absorb it.

"Ha! I've adapted to your offensive capabilities, Potter!"

"Crap. Dobby, take Uncle Vernon and get him and the Dursleys somewhere safe. If he asks, you're just a midget, not a house-elf, got it?"

"Yes sir," he said, running to the house.

"Good, no distractions," said Mecha-Quirrel as he began to charge his gun-arm. He raised it to fire at Harry, when in a flash of silver, his arm was destroyed. "What?"

"If you've come to kill Harry Potter," said the mysterious stranger, who sheathed his sword, "You have to go through me first."

"IS THAT SIRIUS!" Harry shouted.

"No," said the Dumbledore painting, who was there the whole time, strapped to Harry's back.

"There will be time for talk later," said the mysterious stranger, who SO DAMN MYSTERIOUS I'm not going to describe him yet. That way, when I reveal later that he actually was Sirius, you'll be surprised and also the Dumbledore painting will look like an asshole. He swung his sword a second time, and Mecha-Quirrel exploded.

"Gah! Not again!" cried Mecha-Quirrel as he exploded.

"Thanks, but who are you?" asked Harry.

"I'm another time traveler," said the young man, who had purple hair, "My name is Teddy Tonks." Why yes, I did all of this just to build up to calling him Future Tonks, why do you ask?

"Wait, you mean Teddy Lupin?"

"I suppose- my father was killed long before I was born. Not too long, I mean, he obviously had time to impregnate my mother before dying. So, it was probably about eight months before I was born that he was killed. And it was before they were married, so here I am, Teddy Tonks."

"So you're from the future? So, do I fix everything?" Harry said hopefully.

"No, because of a slight oversight this year everything turns out worse."

"Damn! I hate when that happens!" Harry kicked a can.

"You originally went through this year as efficiently as possible- you defeated the basilisk before it could strike again, destroyed the diary and the Ravenclaw diadem, as well as fought the Sorting Hat to a standstill after it turned against you. However, in all this time, you forgot to out Lockhart as a fraud, so he continued to teach everyone poorly as the years went by. While you yourself, with your future knowledge, were not harmed by this, the rest of the students suffered from improper teaching so that two years later, Voldemort returned in full force. After killing you, he attacked Hogwarts, killing many, and starting his reign of terror anew."

"Wait, after everything I do, he still comes back in two years? And kills me?"

"Yeah, he was playing hardball, we imagine. So I was raised in a harsh time by my mother, alone, trying to survive under Voldemort's rule. I knew my only chance was to go back in time to after you've already gone back in time to make sure things work out ok."

"Well, in that case, I look forward to you joining my ever-growing entourage."

"Haha, no," said Teddy, "I have my own plan. No offense, Harry, but from my future I learned to take care of myself." He Disapparated away, leaving Harry alone in the streets.

"I can't believe it," he muttered, "Voldemort was going to kill me in this timeline?"

"See, man, I told you about time travel, man, I TOLD you," said the Dumbledore painting.

"You said it sounded pretty rad and that I should go for it, what are you talking about?" Harry asked.

"Oh, right. Maybe that was someone else who asked me about it. Probably Justin Finch-Fletchey or whatever that kid's name was. Wait, did he die in Book 7? I feel like the only reason I remember his name is because he died."

"Dumbledore, sir, we need to plan ahead."

"Yeah, yeah, so, this was the year with the blood-goblin, right?"

Harry calmly took the painting off his back and stared it right in the eyes. "What the hell are you talking about, sir? This was the year with the basilisk, and it nearly killed Ginny."

"Well, jeez, Harry, more stuff happens each year than just what you experience. This year a blood-goblin, a Dark creature from regions beyond, attacked the castle to gather members for a post-punk band he was going to call the Lickety Switches. He kidnapped a couple of Ravenclaw girls, and I think they were going to have some kind of lesbian gimmick like t.A.T.u. Heh, you remember that band?"

"No."

"Yeah, neither do I. Anyways, Snape assembled a taskforce to find the creature, composed of those teachers you never took like Professor Sinistra. Then that whole Basilisk thing happened, so we sort of lost track of him. Last I heard, the Lickety Switches were still performing together. So, I mean, you could rescue them, theoretically, seeing as you clearly don't care about the timeline anymore."

"Look, I'm TRYING to not mess things up any worse, but that doesn't affect anything," he paused, as the realization dawned on him, "Wait, I won't be able to summon the Gryffindor sword, because I'm in Hufflepuff now, right?"

"…Huh. I did not consider that. Uh…don't worry about it?" Dumbledore shrugged. This was not the answer Harry wanted, but it was all he got as Dumbledore pretended to go to sleep.

…

Summer was over soon, and as furious as Vernon was about being forced to interact with Dobby, Harry avoided a grounding by reminding the Dursleys that as the side-characters they were, they could be very easily be swept under the rug in any future chapters. They took this as a promise, and as such, were no longer in this current chapter at all. Harry rode the train, feeling excited again, as he had not experienced this particular train ride before. Sure beats a flying car, he thought. He and his full group of friends had a compartment to themselves. Ginny snuck in behind Ron, and sat at the rear of the compartment. "Who's she?" Harry asked slyly.

"Oh, that's my sister Ginny."

"Like Virginia?" Hannah asked.

"Ginevera," Ron corrected.

"You other Weasleys are so damn weird," Hannah muttered under her breath.

"She's nervous- Fred and George, two of my brothers, told her about the Sorting. Probably the same pack of lies they fed me last year, about how the Hat will burn you if you disagree with it or whatever."

"Pfft, that's dumb," Harry said, "The Hat's kind of a dick, anyway." He had long since grown immunized to the strange looks everyone gave him. "I bet you go into Gryffindor, like your brothers," he said to Ginny. Though, if she went into Hufflepuff, he thought, I could more easily keep an eye on her.

"Oh, did you guys hear?" Neville said, interrupting Harry's train of thought, "The new Defense teacher quit already!"

"That has to be a record," Trevor rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, I mean, it was supposed to be Gilderoy Lockhart, but he quit just the other day!"

"Who's going to be our new teacher then?" Hermione looked worried. "We won't have the right books for the curriculum!"

"Think it has to anything to do with Two-Face from last year?" Ron shot Harry an understanding glance.

"Harvey Dent?" asked Trevor.

"No, Quirrel. Remember? Had two faces and everything?" Hannah asked.

Trevor squinted, as if the answer lay at the end of the compartment. "Kind of…" he muttered.

"Seriously! I mean, really, you only vaguely remember that?" Hannah sighed, "You're an idiot."

"Wait, wait, are you guys talking about the dog? Because he had three heads," everyone ignored him.

…

At the Sorting, Harry, Trevor, and Hannah were watching as the line of first-years began to dwindle. Ginny went up, and Harry could hear the preemptive cheering of Ron and his brothers. But as she sat down, and the Hat was placed upon her head, something seemed off. The Hat glared at Harry. "Slytherin" it said, quietly at first, followed by a louder echo "SLYTHERIN!"

The cheering at Gryffindor table stopped, dumbfounded. Ginny looked shocked herself, mouthing "Slytherin?" as she walked to the table. The Slytherins did their traditional acceptance of new members, by chanting "Gooble gobble gooble gobble, we accept her, one of us, one of us".

"Welp, that's weird," Hannah shrugged.

"Very weird," Harry said darkly, still refusing to break eye contact with the Sorting Hat. How could it be? He thought. How could Ginny be evil? Was this the Hat trying to get back at him? Or maybe…

"-KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!" Draco gasped as he finally finished shouting. His face was red, but he calmly began talking with Ginny. "So, a Weasley is a Slyhterin. I guess one of you would have to turn out right after seven tries."

"Oh, that bastard!" Harry said, "I knew I shouldn't have ignored him now! He's going to steal my future wife!"

"For God's sake, Harry, she's 11!" Trevor said, disgusted.

"Yeah, but I'm 12," he reminded.

"Oh, right. Carry on."

"May I have your attention please," said Dumbledore, the man, not the painting, "I planned on introducing Gilderoy Lockhart as your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, but he quit," he motioned for the man at the end of the table to stand up. "Luckily, I found a suitable replacement in this man, Professor Tedward Tonks!" Teddy Tonks nodded.

"I look forward to teaching you all the various skills that will serve you well in your life. I for one think that I can break the curse of the Defense Against the Dark Arts class," he said, while the other teachers chuckled. Every new teacher said that, and they all ended up dead, terrified, or Voldemort. Still, good on him, they thought, good on him.

After that, Dumbledore said, "All right, now for a few final words- butterscotch soup!" All the kids in Harry's year and below laughed, because LOL SO RANDOM! Harry didn't laugh, though, as his thirty-whatever soul betrayed him. He caught Dumbledore's eyes, and they were not twinkling.

…

After dinner, Harry and his friends were walking back to their respective dorms, but lagging behind purposely. "I can't believe it," Ron said, "My own sister's a Slytherin."

"That doesn't necessarily mean she's evil," Hermione said, "There are plenty of good Slytherins!"

"Name one," Ron rolled his eyes.

"…Uh, well, jeez, when you put me on the spot, I'm totally blanking," Hermione said.

"It's weird," Harry said mysteriously, "You know, a House Elf came to my house over the summer. He said that there was going to be a great danger at the school this year."

"A great danger? From Ginny being in Slytherin? I mean, granted, Fred and George are going to be giving her hell over this the rest of her life, but I don't know about danger," Ron shrugged.

"I don't know if it's connected," Harry lied, "but it's just something odd I thought of."

"Well, I'm sure Hogwarts, who last year had hired the Dark Lord himself, will do everything in its power to keep us safe," said Neville.

"Eh, no point in worrying about it now," said Trevor, "Come on, we've got that new teacher tomorrow." They were about to say goodbye to each other and leave, but they were interrupted by a slow clap.

"Well, well, well," said Draco, who along with Crabbe and Goyle, were slow clapping, "Look what we have here."

"I'm sorry, who are you?" asked Hannah.

"Still thy tongue," Draco hissed, as apparently he helped his dad work at the Renaissance Fair, "You are speaking to Draco Malfoy, of the illustrious Malfoy family."

"We have some classes with him," Ron growled.

"He's…quite rude," Hermione said stiffly.

"He's a little wiener," spat Neville.

Draco whipped out his wand, "Say that again, Longbottom, and I'll-"

"Oh, there you are!" said Ginny, as she and Pansy Parkinson showed up behind the other Slytherins. "This is my brother, Ron, and these are his friends."

Draco grimaced, and sheathed his wand. Sheathed? Is that the right term? I mean, if anything a wand is more like a gun, so should it be holstered? Oh well, he put away his wand. "Very well then," he said, forcing a smile that still looked like a scowl, "I'm…happy to meet you all." With a flick of his hand, his comrades dispersed, heading to the Slytherin dorms, but he stuck around for just a tad longer, "You're all very lucky I have bigger fish to fry right now than to mess you all up," he said as he turned and left.

"Yeah, he does seem like a little wiener," said Hannah.

Harry had been silently watching him. Why did Draco seem so much more like a JRPG villain now? Was it Sirius? Wait, no, not that thing, it's never Sirius. What did he mean by bigger fish to fry? Surely, not literal fish in the Slytherin common room?

That night, while the others slept, Harry took out the Dumbledore painting. "I know what you want to ask already," the portrait sighed, "Yes, the Slytherins do typically start each year with a fish-fry, and none of the other Houses are invited."

"That's not exactly what I wanted to know, but, what?"

"Apparently, back when the four founders were still alive, they asked Slappy Slytherin to concede, and invite their students to the fish-fry. Slappy responded that the mingling of students from other Houses was almost as bad as, quote, "rargh mudbloods, grr grrrgh!" unquote. Henrietta Hufflepuff decided she wasn't going to take that shit, so she punched him in the throat and made him invite the others. That was the argument that caused him to infest Hogwarts with a gigantic snake and to build the Chamber of Secrets."

"That is very strange," said Harry, "but what I wanted to know was why Ginny was Sorted into Slytherin. Was it simply the Hat remembering I am its foe, and somehow sensing Ginny and my future together, so it did this to spite me?"

"Probably," the old man shrugged. "You may want to ask that other time-traveler; perhaps this is the way things played out in his future."

"I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have bothered with this at all," Harry sighed. "No matter what I do, everything turns out the same…well, a rough equivalent of the same, since Neville never had a robot arm."

"The very act of going through time must have altered the timestream irreparably. Have you heard of the Butterfly Effect?" The painting asked.

This being a muggle science term, Harry was utterly lost. "Is that when a caterpillar transfigurates itself into a butterfly?"

"No, it was an American movie, starring Ashton Kutcher. Anyways, it was pretty good. Not terrible, not great, but I was enjoying myself the whole time, that has to count for something. Anyway, the main character goes back in time, and messes up his life in trying to fix it. At the end he forces himself to fix everything by like, undoing it all. And then there's an alternate ending where he kills himself as a baby to prevent his life from happening."

"Thanks for the spoilers," Harry said.

"You said you hadn't heard of it, though."

"Well, yeah, but when you mentioned it and how it was relevant, I was going to rent it. Now there's no point."

"If it's any consolation, the movie's not out yet anyway. Look, just think about tigers and go to sleep, there will still be future movies to discuss in the morning."

"Harry?" asked Trevor, who Harry was sure had been asleep.

"Oh crap!" Harry tossed the painting under his pillow.

"Were you talking to a painting?" he asked.

"No, I was," thinking quickly…did nothing for him, "talking to a portrait."

Trevor yawned, "That's cool," he fell asleep.

"That was close," said Harry. "No one must know I'm from the future."

"Well, then maybe you should stop saying that," said the Dumbledore painting. "I mean, seriously."

…

The next day they went into DADA, not really knowing what to expect. Harry wondered, briefly, if Teddy was going to teach them to swordfight with cyborgs. "All right everybody," said Teddy, "welcome to your first day of Defense training. Let's start with the basics," he made a motion with his hand, "wands away, please."

Oh no! Thought Harry, Teddy's going to teach them like Umbridge did!

"This may be a little advanced for second-years, but I want one of you to come up here and fire off a Stunning Spell." Harry volunteered, but it seemed like Teddy had already chosen him. "Yes, you. Come right up."

Harry went to the front of the class, and was about to do a number one stunner, when Teddy stopped him. "What's the problem?"

"I said wands away."

Harry stared at him. Hearing this had jogged some memory Harry had of the future. He had heard that different regions of the world performed magic differently.

Professor Tonks said as much. "I've done a bit of traveling in my time," he said, with a barely concealed "look at how clever I'm being" wink to Harry, "In Asia, wizarding is a much more mystical act, where the magic is produced through the body via martial arts, instead of being focused through wands. It's not just Asia, either- in Brazil, the art of Jiu-Jitsu uses magic to hold people in place during chokeholds and such, also without wands. Even in America, street fighting can be used by wizards to shoot fireballs, sometimes called by their Japanese name of Hadouken, during duels."

"So, we don't need our wands?" Harry asked.

"It helps focus your energy, but you should be able to do something as simple as a Stunning Spell without one with some practice. So, that's going to be the homework for tonight," he sent Harry back to his seat, "By the end of the week, you all should be able to do this," with a curl of his fingers, and both palms thrust in front of him, he shouted, "Stupefy!" and a small beam shot from his hands into the wall. The students were stunned. Not by the spell, well, it was because of the spell, but not getting hit by it…let me try again. They were shocked at what they saw. "Class dismissed," said Teddy, as he put on a pair of sunglasses.

The other students filed out of the classroom, despite class being over about fifty-six minutes early. Harry hung back. "How did you do that?" He asked.

Teddy shut the door, because he actually had some common sense. "In my time, Voldemort made getting wands into a major hassle. He wanted to control who got the ability to use magic, and if a wandmaker had the inkling that you were going to rebel, you didn't get one. So if you wanted a revolution, you had to be a bit craftier in how you went about it. My mother and I traveled to other countries, at first to evade Voldemort's control of the wand market, but then we heard more about wandless magic."

"It's pretty impressive," Harry muttered, remembering how his first time through wordless magic seemed completely out of his grasp. "But, I had other questions. Ginny is-"

"I know," said Teddy, "I was there too. It's…certainly an issue. Especially since the Hat appears to be making its move."

"And what do I do about the Basilisk?"

"Unfortunately, we may have to wait for that opportunity to come at us. The beast has been hidden under Hogwarts for a hundred years" (Note: I have no idea how long it's been so this is obviously a rough guess) "so a second year finding it the day he returns to school is more than a little unlikely. Trust me on this, this isn't my first time-travel rodeo- you want as few people to know as possible."

"Where else did you go?" Harry wondered.

"Well, in order to time-travel at all, you must first swear that you will kill this Muggle named Hitler at top priority. The way I time-travel is a bit more sophisticated than the way you did it, and less "Why don't they just use it to fix everything?" than the Time-Turners."

"How'd you learn to do it?"

"Let's just say an old friend taught it to me," he replied, putting emphasis on "old friend". Seeing Harry's blank expression, he filled him in, "It was the Dumbledore painting. It's always Dumbledore, Harry, and it's never Sirius."

"Well, I should get going," Harry said, "Will you let me know when the time is right to take on the Basilisk?" Teddy nodded. "Also," he added, "Can you take me back in time someday? I mean, sending my soul back was cool and all, but I really want to fistfight a dinosaur."

"Heh," Teddy grinned, having checked that off his time-traveler bucket list long ago, "Yeah, see ya."

Harry left the classroom, just in time to bump into Snape. "Oh, hello Professor," he said, still weirded out at the prospect of Snape as an ally.

"Oh, hello Potter," he said, "Defense let out early?" He nodded. "Good, had a few things to discuss with the new teacher." Snape paused, and I don't mean the kind of pauses he always makes between words when portrayed by Alan Rickman. "Say, this may sound odd, but if you see a goblin, about this high," he held up his hands, "colored red, and possibly mumbling about lesbian gimmicks, could you let either Professor Sinistra, Burbage, or me know?"

"Sure," said Harry.

"Right, then," he went into the Defense classroom.

…

Time seemed to crawl by. Harry wanted to go down into the Chamber of Secrets, kill the basilisk, and use its poison to destroy the Diadem, but each time he talked with Teddy he was told to wait. Appearing to be at an impasse with this subplot, Harry let himself relax a bit when he and his friends tried out for the Hufflepuff Quidditch team. The sequence of events that let him be Gryffindor Seeker did not repeat themselves last year, and to be honest Harry was trying to make sure he did everything correctly . Luckily, he had long ago given up such pretenses, so there they were, on the Quidditch field.

The team captain was not yet Cedric Diggory, because believe it or not I actually looked that shit up- he was only said to be the captain during Harry's third year. So this year, the captain was Seventh Year Schmitty Schmitterson. Ok, maybe I should have just had Cedric be captain, seeing as all my Original Characters Do Not Steal have really godawful names.

"All right, you guys," he said to Harry's crew, "Give it a shot." Harry's normal role of Seeker was taken, so he and his friends were trying out for Chaser positions. Luckily, it was at this precise moment that I remembered that I ended the last chapter by saying (nay, promising) that there would be no Quidditch. So no one made the team.

"Well, that sucked," said Trevor.

"Maybe you guys sucked, but I was pretty awesome," Hannah said.

"You headbutted Cedric Diggory," Harry said.

"Because he was giving me the business," she said, as if this explained everything.

"He almost fell off his broom. He could have died. You could have been expelled," Harry suddenly gasped- was he the group's Hermione? "Well, we've had a rough day. Let's all relax with a big pile of homework! Oh God, what am I saying? Someone hit me!" Trevor smacked him. "Good, I think I'm-" Hannah headbutted him. "I just said I was fine." They continued on their way, when they heard a ghostly wailing. "What was that?" Harry said in his painfully obvious "I actually know exactly what's going on" voice.

"Aren't we near that haunted bathroom?" Hannah wondered.

"Oh man, that stupid hipster ghost? I hate that guy. Last year, on Burrito Night-" Trevor was cut off as the wailing continued.

"No, this is the girls' bathroom. Haunted by Moaning Mona or whatever her name is. The ghost who kind of looks like you," she said to Harry, "if you were in bad drag."

"Huh. How did she die, anyway?" Harry asked.

"I heard, she was voted Yule Ball Queen, as a joke, so that when she accepted her reward the popular kids dumped magic-pig blood on her," said Trevor.

"How was the blood magic?" Hannah asked.

"No, not magic blood, regular blood from magic pigs. It's a thing," said Trevor, "It exists!"

"I think we should ask Hagrid on that one," said Harry, before he decided to clumsily correct himself, "I mean, we should ask Myrtle how she died. Then, tomorrow, we can ask Hagrid if magic pigs are a thing. Then, ice cream!"

"Yay ice cream!" His friends said. They went into the spoooooky haunted bathroom, where Moaning Myrtle was crying. What a refreshing change of pace that must have been for the ghost.

"Hey Screaming Sara," said Trevor, "Are magic pigs a thing?"

She stopped sobbing. "Yes, we just call them Piggledeedees," she went back to crying.

"Wow, that is the most British thing I've ever heard," said Hannah, dumbstruck. "So, is that how you died? They dropped Piggledeedee blood on you?"

"Why do you suddenly care how I died? Just the other day you were complaining about how this is the worst place to poop in all of Hogwarts." Harry and Trevor looked accusingly at their friend, Trevor still doubting that girls poop at all.

Hannah blushed, mumbling "Why do they even have Burrito Night?" to herself.

"It's just," Harry said, "Do you know how many student deaths occurred at Hogwarts? See, according to _Hogwarts: A History_," saying that made Harry's stomach hurt a little, "There have only been like, two. Which is kind of a lot considering how many parents put their stock in the school's safety, but surprisingly small considering it's a school that teaches us to shoot lasers at each other. So there had to have been something that killed you."

"To be honest, I don't know- I heard something come in, and I thought it was just going to be kids who wanted to make fun of me. But, it was something…big, with great, terrible eyes. And that's when I died."

"Jeepers!" cried Trevor, putting the pieces together, "It's some kind of Medusa!"

"Medusas petrify people, not kill them, dummy," said Hannah.

"If you're that interested in finding it," said Myrtle, "Whatever it was, I think it left earlier this evening." Harry's eyes went wide. He had screwed up again. At this point, he should just try doing the opposite of seems sensible, and maybe that would end up reversing the polarity and fixing something for once.

"Wait, so the crazy thing that killed you is still around, and it's coming back here?" Hannah faked a yawn, "Man, I'm beat. I'm just going to head back to the dorm and sleep- got a big day ahead of me tomorrow."

"I agree, come on Harry," said Trevor, "You're the Hermione of the group, so we need you safe so we can use that beautiful brain of yours to get through McG's homework."

"I'm not the group's Hermione! You're the group's Hermione!" Harry shouted, even though I did not write that in all caps. He stormed out of the bathroom, thinking that this was kind of a dumb thing to get angry about, all things considered. Hermione was a total lady-bro to Harry throughout his adult life.

…

He involuntarily induced a flashback to his original future. He had tried to get rid of these through a Pensieve, but that didn't work because as far as I recall you used those things to save memories rather than destroy them. Maybe if you took out the silver goo and threw it out the window instead of putting it in a storage bowl it would work, I don't know. Anyway, the plot…

"This ends now, Potter!" cried Neo-Voldemort. Though initially his revived form was much worse off than he looked before, he had managed to restore his youth and full magical potential through a powerful Dark ritual. As such, he was not the snake-faced Ralph Fiennes but a young man, with a dark purple aura of power radiating from him, and he was like, crazy-buff. He had tracked Harry to the smoldering ruins of London, where The Boy Who Lived was now a man, a bitter man who had just watched this monster murder his wife and children. Harry had nothing left to lose, and, dressed in a cowboy poncho and attire for some reason, he was desperate to see this end. "Where are you hiding?" taunted Neo-Voldy as he blasted a building. Harry was taking cover behind some crates. "I figured you'd be braver. You want to see your wife again don't you? Ha, I just realized, I've actually taken your whole family from you twice!"

Harry exploded with rage, leaping from behind cover and firing off an Avada Kedavra. This is the part where your eye starts twitching and you start writing a furious reply about how Harry would never do that. Voldemort saw the spell coming and Disapparated before it hit.

"Good, let the hate flow through you," he chuckled, "You're just as bad as I am, now, aren't you? How many of my lieutenants have you killed, after all? Actually, as I recall, the Weasley boy saw to more of them than you. That's why I had to visit him first, after all."

"Shut up! Avada-!" He stopped, nearly going blind from anger as Hermione grabbed him and Disapparated with him. "Hermione! Why did you do that? I nearly had him!"

"No, he was charging something big- it would've leveled the entire city," she said. She had such a look of weariness to her nowadays. "He was feeding off your anger- I know it's hard, but a cool head is going to be the only way to defeat him for good."

"I'm sorry," he said, realizing his mistake, "But, when he was talking about Ron, and Ginny…"

"I understand completely, that fool was my husband, after all, and she was my sister-in-law. But you remember what Dumbledore said, it's just what he wants. His weakness is love, remember? Which is why…" Voldemort interrupted this by warping in and firing off a green ray. The two wizards dodged, while the dark warlock fired another burst. "Harry, I'm about to do something," she gulped, "You're going to be so very mad with me. But trust me, you need to teleport as far from here as you can imagine. I'll buy the time you need."

"No!" Harry shouted, "You're not going to die too!"

"She's probably just in a hurry to die," laughed Neo-Voldemort. "It seems one of you pathetic rabble finally realized the futility of all this."

"Hey, Tom Riddle," said Hermione, her voice cracking a testament to her rapidly diminishing reserves of courage, "You've studied all kinds of ancient magic, right? That makes two of us. But have you heard of this? A Mystical technique originating from Japan, that is perhaps best translated as "Goodbye, Mr. Tien"?"

"Hermione, no!" Harry gasped. Seeing the look on her face, he finally took her advice and warped away. The last thing he saw was Voldemort, almost as stunned as he was himself, watching Hermione Jean Granger-Weasely turning herself into a supernova of magical energy.

…

Harry snapped back into focus. He had been walking into a wall the past ten minutes, lost in his very vivid memory of the future that was, compared to this present, extremely serious. In fact, other than that one terrible shoehorned Dragon Ball reference, it was downright dark and edgy. Wait, terrible Dragon Ball reference? That reminded Harry to head to Tonks's office.

Teddy was grading papers- specifically homework down by the Fifth Years on the most awesome way to decapitate a rampaging Minotaur. He was writing in red ink on one student's paper that erroneously claimed a Minotaur would be best apprehended through peaceful discussion, when obviously you could decapitate a Minotaur through peaceful discussion, you would both have to be operating in the fifth dimension in order for it to work. It was technically correct, the best kind of correct, but most Fifth Years couldn't be expected to operate within said dimension.

"The Basilisk has been let loose!" Harry said. "See what horrors your wait-and-see attitude hath wrought!"

"Calm down, Harry, it can't be that bad- he's trying to set an example, not kill everyone. Unless circumstances have changed," he muttered.

"Maybe you haven't noticed it, but Neville Longbottom has a damn robot arm! Of course circumstances have changed!" Harry was outraged, Tonks was being a much more flippant professor than he expected. "If we're not careful out there, students will be killed!"

"I've taken the necessary precautions. You'll have to trust me on this one."

"Teddy, seriously, the last time I was told to just trust an adult, it ended up being for Dumbledore's genius plan where Voldemort killed me, then himself."

"…Good point. Well, in that case, you want to handle this?" Tonks handed him his blade, "It's not the Sword of Gryffindor, but trust me it can slay basilisks in a pinch. Also, certain dark items, of a most Horcruxy nature," he winked like he was being subtle.

"You're not going to help?" Harry asked.

"I have this great plan, and to explain it all to you would ruin my chance to explain it to you later," said Tonks. "Look, I know it sounds like something Dumbledore has done on multiple occasions, and that's because it's very similar. Now, hurry."

…

Harry ran through the Great Hall, but found himself stopped in his tracks by Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle. "Oh no," he muttered.

"That's right, Potter! I was left out, of the ENTIRE first chapter! Do you have any idea how damaging that is to a person's self-esteem? Of course not. You're Harry "K.D. Lang" Potter! You're always the main character of every story, put into every chapter, and you always save the day! So I had a little chat with the Sorting Hat," Draco said, and Harry's eyes widened, "And he told me the funniest thing. Seems you don't exactly belong here. Seems you had such a funderful time in school you want to experience all of it again. And here's the kicker," Draco unsheathed the Sword of Gryffindor, "the Hat thought that my desire to defeat you, and become the real hero, was a very _Griffindor_ act, if you get what I'm saying?"

"What are you doing, Draco?" Harry asked.

"This story ends now- and from its ashes, will arise _Draco Malfoy and the Time Travel Related Pun_!"

"Stop talking in italics, you douche!" Harry shouted, taking out Tonks's blade.

"Ha, yes, a good old-fashioned sword-duel," Draco said, "Fitting for the hero and rival to square off like this. Crabbe, Goyle, this fight is between me and Potter only. Don't interfere," he hissed, "Come, Potter, we shall find the exit to that place called Paradise!" He leapt, swinging his sword like he was an uncoordinated twelve year old.

Harry blocked the blade, "We don't have to do this, Draco!"

"But we do! I've been training for months with Bloody Baron, and he taught me something your best friend Professor Tonks never could- The Secret Technique Demon Blood Slash!" He slashed his sword, and a red shockwave fired from the tip. Harry tried to block, but it passed through his blade and knocked him to the ground. "Ha! Now, I shall taunt you, like all heroes do!"

"Stupefy!" cried out Trevor and Hannah. They had fired off these shots without using their wands, and Draco only barely threw up a Protego to redirect these.

"Harry, we saw Professor Tonks- he was saying ominous crap and heading towards the bathroom," said Hannah, "And he told us to come here and help you out."

"Weird he knew you were in trouble, now that I think of it," said Trevor.

"Thanks for the help," Harry said, "Now how about we show these Slytherin losers what it's like to be Hufflepuffs!" He grimaced, wishing that Henrietta Hufflepuff had a slightly more threatening last name.

Then a man in back yelled "Everyone attack!" and it turned into a ballroom blitz. Sword and spell were in full cry, with neither side gaining any ground against the other. I guess in this universe Draco and his posse were competent, instead of being nonvillains. Seriously, for all the crap he talked, Draco was about as effective a bully as Neville. Hey Ron, your family is poor! Good job jackass, everyone else noticed that five years ago, why don't you come up with some new material?

Things were turning grim, however. "Burning Slash!" Draco shouted, and flames danced along his sword with each swing. Harry attempted a parry, but Malfoy swung with such force that it knocked the blade from his hands. "Ha! Ready to concede defeat?" Draco went flying backwards before he could taunt Harry some more.

"Somebody call for an exterminator?" Ron asked, his wand smoking from the fired spell. He was backed up by Hermione and Neville. "We've got your back, bro, this little wiener ain't stopping you."

"Freeze mamma-jammas! Expelliarmus!" Blaise Zabini leapt in from nowhere, dual-wielding wands that disarmed Ron and Hermione.

"Blaise, you son of a bitch," Draco grinned. "I trust this means they accepted our agreement?"

"Let this answer your question," said Cho Chang, who appeared with Luna Lovegood and…uh, the Patil twin that was from Ravenclaw. I want to saw Padma, but I really have no idea. Maybe it was Parvati…wait, one of them was in Ravenclaw, right? I'm going to say Padma. If you really care about canon, you've mashed the back button out of disgust long before you get to which twin is in Ravenclaw. A cursory glance at the internet says I was right anyway. "The Lovely Angels of Ravenclaw have agreed to your alliance, Dandy Lads of Slytherin. We shall join you in your battle against these rabble," she put her hand over her mouth and laughed.

"So, are there like, no dudes in Ravenclaw or something?" Hannah asked.

"Silence!" commanded Cho, while she took out a sword of her own, "You think you're so cool, the three of you! Always having wacky, irreverent adventures while some of my friends get abducted by some strange creature! Well no more!" The fighting grew even more chaotic, with the introduction of the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw groups, spells of varying power were fired every which way, and there were horses, and a man on fire. Brick killed a guy with a trident!

The fighting was interrupted when Harry heard the unmistakable hiss of the Basilisk. "What's it doing up here?" He gasped. "Guys, I need my sword- you all have to get out of here!"

"You heard him, Trev, we need to clear them out of here!" Hannah shouted, tackling Cho Chang to the ground.

"We've got you, Harry!" said Trevor, who was about to stun Luna away, when the two of them caught each other's eyes. "Who are you?" he stammered.

"Who are any of us? The grand riddle of time immemorial- sweet and terrible like a madman's lullaby. Peace, my friend," she said in a whispery voice. The both of them were locked, frozen in eye contact, when each was Stupefied by either Neville or Blaise Zabini, who spent the whole first two years becoming a total badass, apparently.

Harry grabbed his sword, and turned towards the noise instinctively. He suddenly remembered that was a terrible idea, seeing as it was an insta-kill snake he was dealing with. The Basilisk burst forth from a wall, but it was wounded, heavily. Its eyes looked to have been pulled out, so its death glare was useless. Harry leapt at the snake, stabbing it with his sword. The creature roared and went back into the wall, clearly expecting safety on this end. It dragged Harry along with it, and a flick of its tail sent Draco flying into the wall. His friends deserted him, running back to the Slytherin Common Room.

"Uh, what just happened?" asked Ron.

…

Harry held tightly to the sword, still lodged into the Basilisk's flank. He held tight as the snake wormed its way back to the Chamber of Secrets, using the hidden snake-passageways that apparently exist. The Basilisk was not long for this world, however, and when it reached the chamber, it weakly collapsed. The younger form of Tom Riddle, and the possessed Ginny Weasley, watched Harry ride in with confusion. "Oh, damn, it's going to be one of THOSE days," Tom Riddle sighed.

"Ha, I've killed your Basilisk, Tom Marvolo Riddle, or should I say, You Are Lord Voldemort?"

"Not, it's not you are, it's I am. I am Lord Voldemort," corrected Riddle.

"Right, like I said, you are Voldemort. Kind of a dumb anagram, though, it doesn't even work," Harry had the smuggest look on his face.

"Listen you! I'm not even going to ask how you know all that, when all I really care about is…How did you defeat me the last time?"

"Uh, me and a bunch of kids smashed your face in, is what happened."

"Kids?" echoed Riddle, "Kids!" He turned to Possessed Ginny, who shrugged.

"Perhaps there were more children than you were prepared for," said Ginny.

"Granted, but still. I've got an image to maintain, and if those damn wiener kids could kill me, I just don't know anymore. All right, enough of that- so Harry Potter, you may have killed my snake, but-"

Harry interrupted him, "I killed your snake butt?"

"How dare you make wordplay with the most powerful wizard in the world?"

"You started it, with your anagram crap," said Harry. Ginny giggled.

"You there, girl, finish him," Riddle waved his wand, and Ginny leapt into attack.

"Ginny! I don't want to hurt you! However, I also kinda have no choice. Stupefy!" The spell knocked her to the ground. "Now, as for you…"

"What are you going to do?" laughed Riddle, "I'm barely corporeal as it is! Unless you've somehow befriended the Ghostbusters (which would not be the oddest thing you've accomplished, come to think of it) you have no way of even…what, what are you doing with that book? I mean, I don't care, forget that book, it has no significance to me- No! Don't stab it!" Harry stabbed the book with Tonk's sword. "Aw. Lame, dude. Lame," said Riddle as he disintegrated.

"Cacaw!" Fakwes flew down into the chamber.

"Hey Fawkes, you mind givin' me and Ginny here a ride out?" Harry asked. Apparently Harry speaks Birdeltongue too, now, because Fawkes gave him a shrug like, "Whatevs, dude, I just know you're not riding that dead-ass snake up there."

…

After that, the year slowed to a dull crawl, given that the emotional climax of the year had occurred during the first few months of the school year. By the end of the year, people had almost forgotten about the massive battle between students from each of the Houses, and the giant snake that had been living under the school for a century. No, now the students were all talking about the new hit musical group the Lickety Switches, and how the members of the band looked strangely familiar.

Harry joined Professor Teddy Tonks as he packed up his things. "I don't know if you heard the news," said Tonks, "But I was fired. The curse of Defense Against the Dark Arts continues."

"But, how? You told Dumbledore about your role in the Basilisk's defeat, right? And he must have seen how much you taught us!" Harry protested.

Tonks laughed, shaking his head sadly, "Ah, but I committed the cardinal sin that anyone in Dumbledore's employ can do. I replaced his weed with oregano. Heh, totally worth it. You can really see why they used to call him Angrydore."

"That, uh," Harry wasn't sure what to say, "Well, that was a way to get sacked, I suppose."

"I also tricked McGonagall into kissing my naked butt, she was none-too-pleased with that."

"How exactly did you trick someone into doing that?"

"I don't want to tell you, I want you to try to figure it out on your own."

"In that case, I better give you this back," Harry tried to hand him his sword back, but he refused it.

"No, you keep it. I don't like it anymore. Besides, it will probably serve you better than it could me. You forgot to destroy the other Horcurx, didn't you?"

"Something came up," Harry said. It had- he planned to do it late one night, but Trevor had convinced them all to try AD+HD, which is just like regular Dungeons and Dragons except occasionally everyone has to take some ADD medication. Their newfound ability to hyper-focus left them in a confused state the following morning, where they had apparently written a ten page essay on the carrying capacity of a kobold's sphincter. They turned this paper in at the next Herbology class, and received a B+, only losing points because it was not related to Herbology in any way.

"So, yeah, hang onto that for a bit. I've got some other things to take care of anyways," he said, "Maybe I'll let you help with some of them- they're time-travel related."

"Cool, I'll hold you to that," he nodded, "I should get going, have to catch a train."

…

On the train ride back, Draco nursed his wound he suffered when the Basilisk flicked him into the wall. He had been left by his friends, but one person had come back for him. She sat in front of him, probably not noticing him, he thought, when she turned around. "Draco?" She whispered.

"Mh," he grunted, acting like he was so cool.

"Good to see you turned out ok," she said, "I can't believe all those kids from the other Houses ganged up on you, but you managed to hold them off pretty well. I'm sorry I didn't get to introduce myself earlier," she smiled, "I'm Astoria Greengrass."

"Hi," Draco muttered, feeling foolish that this girl had seen him at his weakest.

"Don't waste your time on him," said a kid bigger than Draco, "this punk was the only kid in that whole brawl to get hurt." Draco fumed, who would dare say such a thing to his face? If he weren't angry at Crabbe and Goyle right now, he would've ordered them to beat him up. "Come on, Astoria, we're all in the back of the compartment." He went back and sat down, and Draco could've sworn sitting next to him were Crabbe and Goyle.

"Sorry," she said quietly as she got her things, "That's just my…friend," she said like there was more to this, that she could not admit to him just yet, "Waldorf Hightides." She went back to the rear of the car, and sat with Waldorf.

…

Harry, with Hannah asleep on his shoulder, struggled somewhat to get out that sheet of paper. Next to the bulletpoint labeled "Events of Year Two", he placed a checkmark. Also on this paper were several crude drawings of the Horcruxes, and he crossed out the one representing Tom Riddle's Diary. He then drew a man peeking over a wall and wrote "Kilroy was here" underneath it, not fully understanding the significance of this, but it was a reference nonetheless, so he laughed.

…

NEXT TIME: One Horcrux down, five to go! As the various subplots I've introduced once again clash with each other for attention (I mean, the Dumbledore painting was hardly in this one), a mysterious visitor comes to Hogwarts! Is it Sirius! Except that joke doesn't work because it actually totally is this time holy crap. And there are more hats than Team Fortress 2 when Harry goes after the Ravenclaw Diadem and battles the Sorting Hat! And new teacher Remus Lupin has a terrible secret…a WEREWOLF secret! More stuff continues to happen, even though I don't know how I'll top the massive student battle from this chapter, so look forward to all of this and more in the next chapter of Harry Potter and the Time Travel Related Pun!


	3. Year 3 Guess Who's Dating a Werewolf?

Summer was finally nearing its end, and Harry Potter looked over the massive plan he had made for the following year. He figured actually planning something out had got to be better than playing it by ear. First, he would have to corner Scabbers, and force him to take his true form as Peter Pettigrew. After that, proving Sirius's innocence should be easy. He also planned on making a trip to the Room of Requirement, to take out the Diadem. He glanced over at the sword of Teddy Tonks. Despite having no idea how to care for or maintain the sword, it was in perfect condition.

He scanned the Daily Prophet each day for word of Sirius's escape, but it hadn't come yet. He was worried about it, but honestly not that surprised. He knew that no matter the circumstances, Sirius would not sit idly by when given a chance to escape Azkaban. He shuddered involuntarily, glancing outside to the darkening sky.

…

HARRY POTTER AND THE TIME TRAVEL RELATED PUN CHAPTER 3: GUESS WHO'S DATING A WEREWOLF?

…

Harry entered the train compartment, to find his five friends, as well as a sleeping Remus Lupin, talking excitedly. They stopped as he entered. "Hey hey, wiggedy wiggedy, HP's in the house!" They all stared at him even harder, "Ok, ok, I won't try to act hip anymore."

"It's not that," said Ron.

"Well, it wasn't, but as a related note, never do that again," said Hannah.

"You, have heard, haven't you?" Hermione asked.

"What," Harry said, excited to finally say it, "Is it Sirius?" He was so damn pleased with himself he did a little fist pump. The others looked at him even stranger.

"Why are you so excited about it? This was the guy who pretty much let your parents be killed," said Trevor, "He was a traitor!"

"And who do we all loathe, boys and girls?" asked JK Rowling as she stepped into the compartment.

"A traitor!" replied the kids.

"Excellent! So, don't betray your friends!" She opened the door to the next compartment, shouting into it "I'm looking at you, Marietta Edgecombe!" She then left.

"Look, you guys should know more than anybody," Harry explained, "Together we've fought off a group of the toughest Slytherin and Ravenclaws, not to mention how we defeated the Dark Lord way back when we were all 11. And even when I was alone I took out a giant snake and the younger form of Tom Riddle. I think I can handle a guy who is pretty much just a regular wizard."

"You're right," said Ron, "We're not going to let him get the jump on you, mate!"

"I know you may want revenge on him," said Hermione, "But you need to let the Ministry handle this."

Neville nodded sagely, "Don't let your past victories make you believe yourself invincible, Harry."

"Yeah, I guess," Harry said. This may be a problem. He knew confronting Sirius alone would be best- together they could stealthily grab Wormtail without any of Harry's friends interfering. That in itself would be a problem, though, as they probably would make sure he's never alone, where he could be targeted. He didn't get much time to dwell on this, as everything got darker. "Oh no," muttered Harry, as chills went up his spine.

"What's going on?" Trevor asked.

"Sensors indicate a powerful magical presence is approaching the train!" gasped Neville as he clicked a few buttons on his robo-arm.

"It couldn't be Sirius Black, could it?" Hermione sounded worried.

"You're supposed to say is it Sirius," Harry said quietly, trying to dig up a happy memory to prepare for the dementors' approach. The glass in the train iced over as one of the spectral creatures floated in.

"Sssssssssup guyssssssss?" The dementor hissed. Harry grunted as the images from his grimdark future flooded his brain. He saw Ron being killed by Neo-Voldemort, Hermione blowing herself up, and Neo-Voldemort digging up Harry's parents so that he can wipe his ass with their skulls. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lupin start to move, but before he got close. He felt himself about to pass out…

"Leave him alone!" Ron jumped from his seat, facing the dementor. Even though it was not technically a Patronus, the surge of courage he showed was enough to cause the dementor to lose its passing interest in the goings-on of this car.

…

"Are you all right, son?" asked Lupin. "Here, take this," he handed Harry some chocolate. "That was a dementor- one of the guards of the Azkaban prison." With a sigh, he continued, "I don't want to alarm you, but the reason they're here is because of the very high possibility that a deranged serial killer is gay…gay for killing you."

"What would you say if you were trying to alarm him?" asked Hannah.

"Oh, pretty much the same thing, just in a spooooooky voice," replied Lupin. "I'm Remus Lupin, your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. I understand the last teacher had some more…advanced methods than what you might have been used to."

"Also he had McGonagall kiss his butt," said Ron.

"That too. Well, the train should be coming to a stop," Lupin said.

"What makes you say that?" asked Neville.

"Well, we've just about run out of dialogue for this scene, and we need something exciting to happen, otherwise the readers will get bored, and go to one of those alternate universe stories where Harry and Hermione are totally banging each other."

"Hm," said Ron to himself.

"Ah nearly forgot," Lupin said to Ron, "That was some nice work, lad. I'd never seen a dementor retreat from someone who isn't showing a Patronus."

"What's a Patronus?" asked, uh, who hasn't spoken in a while, Trevor! Yeah, asked Trevor, adding "Is it edible?"

"Patronuses…Patroni…Whichever the plural is, are shields made of Burning Spirit that dementors really hate. Sometimes, if a wizard is particularly powerful, or if it's the movie version of the book, the Patronus will take an animal form."

"Oh, so it's a fursona? My brother has one of those," said Ron. WHICH BROTHER IS IT? It's Charlie.

Lupin put his palm against his forehead, "Kid, you just lost those points I was willing to give you for scaring off the dementor."

…

After a bunch of unimportant people got Sorted, Dumbledore began his speech. "Now, I know most of you are worried about the spooky dementors," he said, "And rightfully so. You look at one of those things funny and they eat the soul right out of your face. Of course, they're blind, so they don't know if you're looking at them funny or not, but still, best not to risk it. If you aren't Sirius Black, who for the record is probably nowhere near here at all, you're safe." McGonagall whispered something to Dumbledore. "What? They did?" He asked. She continued whispering. "On the train? Seriously?" He returned to his speech, "Ok, luckily, though, the dementors are being kept from the school grounds. Patrolling the grounds themselves are the Aurors," he nodded at the two wizards in the back, Kingsley Shacklebolt, the older, by-the-book wizard cop, and Nymphadora Tonks, the recently hired loose cannon. "They might be able to eat your souls, too, I wasn't paying attention, so give them some clearance too. Also, if any of our House Elves can hear me now, please HIDE not from them, MY friends, or they will WEED you out," he gave unusual emphasis on the words that I had capitalized.

"Oh crap!" Harry realized, "Did we resolve the Dobby sideplot last year?"

"Ugh," Hannah said, "Can we just say it happened offscreen?" and so it did. Harry tricked Draco into giving Dobby clothes with a phony mail-order scam. Draco had actually been somewhat mopey after his thrashing, like he had lost his position as Alpha-Slytherin.

"Also," Dumbledore continued, after receiving a knowing nod from Flibbertygibbet, "Your new Defense teacher is Mr. Remus Lupin," he gestured towards the professor, who was eating a piece of raw lamb, "and he has asked for one day off a month on the day of a full moon, which I have granted so long as he does not trick any other professors into kissing his butt. Professors like the ghost, or that plant one."

…

That night, someone grabbed Harry as he slept. "Oh shit!" He yelped, snapping awake. He grabbed his wand, but was restricted. Wait, was it Sirius? Only, this time he actually was evil? But no.

"Relax, just me," said Teddy.

"Dammit, Teddy, you scared the crap out of me!"

"And me, too," said the Dumbledore painting, "It is possible for paintings to crap their pants, you know."

"Sorry, just making sure everything goes according to plan," he said.

"I haven't made my move yet," Harry said. He didn't want to waste his last free night before school started on saving the timeline.

"Not that plan, my "continue existing" plan. Sorry if I seemed so reckless last year, Harry, I had to make sure I got replaced by my dad. And I had to let the Ministry know to send Aurors as well as dementors to Hogwarts, one of those being my mom. They have to meet, and eventually fall in love, or I'm screwed."

"Isn't that kind of a big risk? Why interfere at all?" Harry asked, then he felt like an idiot. Good, because if I was about to call him out on that if he didn't.

"Pretty big talk coming from you, Harry. Besides, wouldn't you want to see your parents while they were still alive and well?"

"He's right Harry, even if that was kind of a low-blow," said the painting. "However, Teddy, I would advise you to keep a low profile. Security has been ramped up, and barring some sort of Invisibility Cloak," Teddy nodded, and donned said cloak, "son of a bitch, never mind."

"Is that mine?" Harry asked, for it was almost unmistakable.

"Yeah, Dumbledore took it when you died, and gave it to the next boy adventurer that would be able to fight Voldemort. And after Neville died, he gave it to my mom for some reason." Teddy's words hit Harry in a strange way- which made sense, seeing as he was still being talked about as if he had failed his mission and died. Sensing his unease, Teddy changed the subject, "Anyway, got a lot of work to do. A lot of _invisible_ work."

"Hey, since you're going to be out and about anyway, would you mind trying to steal Scabbers for me? I'd really like to do something right for a change."

"Yeah, I'll try to swing by Griffindor Tower at some point, I'll pick up the rat for you."

…

One of the things Harry had forgotten about was Divination classes, which, if I were to hazard a guess, would be because said class was a total waste of time for everybody involved. They pretty much say as much, seeing as you're either a psychic or not, and listening to a perpetually drunk lady or centaur won't change that. At least on this run through, this NewGame+ of his life, he wouldn't have to deal with Hermione being smugly superior because she chose to take a different silly fortune-telling elective.

"Welcome, to the art of Divination!" Trelawney gesticulated wildly. "We're going to start off by looking at these tea leaves."

"What do you guys see?" asked Trevor, "Mine kind of look like a penis."

"You only see that because you're immature," scoffed Hannah, "Let me look at- hot damn, that is a penis," she said in surprise.

"Penises are good!" said Trelawney, "They represent change. Or things staying the same, if it's flaccid." She was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Oh, what is it?" Opening the door, she found a House Elf.

"Mr. Harry Potter is to see the Headmaster," squawked the House Elf.

"Ah, yes, I foresaw this," said Trelawney. Who knows, maybe she actually did. Stranger things have happened in this story.

Harry left the tower, heading to Dumbledore's office. In front of him stood the gargoyle guard. "Cheese Doodles," Harry bluffed. It worked, and the gargoyle moved out of the way.

"Ah, Harry, there you are," said Dumbledore, "I had meant to have this meeting earlier, but, well, you know how time flies," he eyed him as if trying to discern him. Hey, was Dumbledore a Legilimancer in canon? If so, maybe he was trying some of that right then. If not, disregard. "I know you in particular must be worried about Sirius Black…"

"I want to talk to you about Tom Riddle's diary," Harry interrupted. Might as well get something accomplished, right? Dumbledore looked surprised, like he expected Harry to beat around the bush for a while. "There was some very powerful magic in there, like, as powerful as a person. Could Voldemort have somehow…put his essence into it?" Harry tried to balance making it seem like he was just completely guessing yet also had the answers.

"It's…possible. Such magic exists, though it is very old stuff," he said, "Of course, underestimating Tom Riddle has only led me to where we are today, so I will look into it. As for the reason I called you in here," he continued, "I…forget what it was. Ah yes! Dr. Demento is patrolling the grounds, because of that serial killer Whyso Sirius. But the thing is, you never can bet on Black," he winked.

"Sir, I'm confused, do you know what you're talking about or don't you?" Harry asked, not planning on sounding like such an ass as he did.

"I'm not quite sure," said Dumbledore. "In any case, you are dismissed."

…

"So, what did Big Al want with you?" Trevor asked as they ate lunch. "By Big Al I mean the D-Man."

"And by D-Man…?"

"Dumbledore."

"Oh, just the same stuff everyone's been telling me about Sirius Black. And yes," Harry said to JK Rowling, "I know he betrayed my family, so you don't have to remind me, but why upon his escape from prison, would he do exactly what everyone expects him to by coming after me?"

"They're just looking out for you," said Hermione with a yawn, absentmindedly adding, "Bless you, Ron."

"Thanks," said Ron, but he paused, something was off. Then he sneezed. Hermione's eyes widened, but she acted like nothing was wrong.

"Are you some kind of psychic?" Hannah asked.

"Haha, what? No. I guess my Arithmancy is paying off," Hermione grinned smugly, "Maybe if YOU all took it with me you could be impressing each other with your prediction powers."

"Oh, Hermione," Harry said, "A Time Turner? Really?"

"Getting into college is difficult, ok? If I don't get enough good credits, I'll only be able to get into some Muggle college like (INSERT THAT ONE COLLEGE EMMA WATSON GOES TO IN REAL LIFE HERE. I DON'T KNOW WHICH COLLEGE IT IS, AND WILL NOT LOOK IT UP BECAUSE THAT IS LIKE A HUNDRED LEVELS OF CREEPY)". Man, that is a lot of words in caps lock for a joke that, let's be honest, is not even that good.

"Time Turner, eh? They lease those to students?" Hannah grinned, "Trevor, I have the perfect plan for total mayhem and mischief…"

"You have to have it appealed," Hermione said.

"…Damn!"

"It's for preventing people from just causing trouble with it. If one were to cause a paradox, the very universe might be destroyed!" Hermione said, channeling Professor Farnsworth. As she said this, an alternate Hermione was walking through the Great Hall, drinking some coffee.

"Anyway," said Trevor, "What class do you guys have next?"

"Care of Magical Creatures," said Ron, "Hagrid's a total bro, but I don't know about him as a teacher. Also those damn Slytherin wiener-kids are going to be with us."

"Draco will probably do something stupid and get himself killed," Harry rolled his eyes.

"I don't know, if anyone does anything, I'm betting it's that Waldorf kid. He seems like a bad egg," said Neville. "What do you guys have?"

"Does it really matter? It's not going to be shown," Hannah said. Which was true. Unless I have the next class be Lupin's, in that case Hannah was just lying because she was still unhappy about not getting to use a Time Turner.

"True," Neville shrugged. "Oh, you guys hear about the dance?"

"No," said Harry, this actually was a complete surprise.

"Oh yeah," said Trevor, "I think I heard about that. Something Dumbledore came up with to keep spirits up, so the dementors will stay off the grounds. It's going to be later in the year."

"Pfft, that's stupid," Hannah rolled her eyes, "Hey Neville, know what would be funny? If you and I went to that, as a joke. Everyone else would be taking it all seriously, and we'd be like, you guys are lame, we're just making fun of you guys while we're here."

"Uh," Neville's robotic arm whirred.

"Who will you take, Ron?" Hermione asked with great interest.

"Hmm," Ron thought this over very hard, "Cho Chang."

Harry spat out his pumpkin juice, which to me seems like a normal reaction to drinking something that looks like orange juice but tastes like mashed pumpkin. Hermione looked about seconds away from calling the alternate Hermione to help her beat the tar out of Ron.

"What? Because she helped the Slytherins last year?" Ron asked, missing the point, as some things never change. "Evil chicks are kinda sexy. It's a law or something."

"I know what you mean," sighed Trevor as he looked at Luna at the Ravenclaw table. She was giving her breakfast sandwich a massage. To completion.

Harry found himself seeing Ron's point, though, for at least in this timeline, Ginny was technically evil as well. He at least had the sense to not blurt this out like an idiot. "I see Ron's point, Ginny's technically evil, and I would totally raise three children named after my parents and dead mentor with her." Dammit, kid, I just went to bat for you, and you make me look like an asshole.

"Wow Harry, you're kind of a freak," said Hannah. "Hey Dickbutt," she said to Draco, who was sulking slightly close to them, "Who would you take to the dance?"

"Shove it, mudblood," Draco said, but there was no malice behind his words, merely a sort of designation, like he figured, he's Draco, he has to say this kind of crap so you remember he's Draco.

"Wait, I'm not a mudblood," she said.

"Well, shove it whatever you are," said Draco sadly. "I'm going to sit in the Slytherin Dorm and cry for a while."

"Yikes," said Harry, "We really wrecked him, huh?"

"That little wiener deserved it," said Waldorf, who seemed to materialize behind them, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle. "He got whacked 'cuz he's weak. Only the strong and evil can rule in Slytherin, which is what I am. I guess that makes us rivals now, Potter, Weasley, Other Weasley, Granger, Longbottom, and…" He looked at Trevor, "I don't know your last name."

"Nobody does!" said Trevor happily.

The bell rang, and…wait, does Hogwarts have bells? I figured it must, because it's a school, right, but I don't remember them being mentioned. Knowing how Harry Potter works, they probably don't have bells _per se_, but some random magical item that functions identically to a bell. Like a chimera statue that shrieks when a period is over or something.

…

Now they were in class with Professor Lupin, who was doing the whole Boggart thing. "Ok, today we're going to learn about a Boggart," said Lupin, indicating the cabinet in the room, "It takes on the appearance of whatever you fear, and…yes?"

"What if your fear is sort of…intangible?" asked Trevor.

"Like what, for example?"

"Say I'm afraid of like, drowning for example. Would it turn into a whole bunch of water? Would it turn into a version of me that's drowning?"

"Are you afraid of drowning?" Lupin asked.

"No," said Trevor.

"Then fifteen points from Hufflepuff, for wasting everyone's time." Harsh. "Anyway, the way to defeat a Boggart is laughter, so you can use the spell Riddikulus to make it goofy. All right, Drowning Boy, you can go first."

"You know, this is kind of weird, because I'm not actually sure what scares me the most…unless," Trevor wondered as the cabinet opened. The Boggart leapt out, in the appearance of a large, wolf-like version of Professor Lupin. "Oh no!" He gasped, the Boggart had known his deepest fears- that one of his professors would turn out to be a werewolf or something and kill him. Lupin coughed nervously as Trevor prepared the Riddikulus. The spell turned the werewolf into a regular Lupin, who was shirtless and rubbing his nipples while flicking his tongue. "Oh God it didn't work! It's still terrifying!"

"Yeesh, I think the Boggart is just going to stay in that form to scare all of us," Hannah shuddered.

The creature took notice of Harry, and transformed itself. "Oh crap," said Harry, as it turned into Neo-Voldemort.

"What's the matter, Potter? Still can't beat me? Even after your little trip back in-"

"Riddikulus!" Harry fired the spell, focusing as hard as he could on making it funny. Neo-Voldemort was suddenly in women's clothing and talking in a high-pitched voice, which from what I understand is the absolute pinnacle of British comedy. You know, this gag would probably work a lot better if it didn't actually happen in the books. Lupin blasted the creature with another spell, sending it back into the cabinet.

"Was that…?" Lupin started, almost afraid to ask.

"What was that indeed?" asked Nymphadora Tonks, who stood at the doorway to the class.

"Ah, yes, Miss Tonks," Lupin stuttered, "Just a low-level Boggart, to train the students."

"That's Officer Tonks," Aurors are just wizard cops, after all, "And you didn't think about what might happen should a Boggart who feeds upon fears should meet the Boy Who Lived?"

"What was I supposed to do, not train the boy? He's in as much danger as anyone!" Lupin had apparently forgotten the entire class was still there, watching this argument.

"If the Boggart gained enough strength from fear of You-Know-Who, it could have run a rampage in the castle. This low-level Boggart now becomes a great threat, and who knows how many it could kill before someone finally puts it down?"

"Tonks," said Kingsley Shacklebolt, "what are you doing?"

"Auror business," she said stiffly.

"Interrupting a class is hardly Auror business. Remus Lupin is a highly trained professional, and if Dumbledore felt he's good for the job, I have no doubt he would be able to stop a simple Boggart," he said. "Besides, I doubt Sirius Black would attack a class in broad daylight. I suggest we switch up patrols, you can walk the beat in Hogsmeade."

"But," she started, then shook her head. "Yes sir," she walked out of the room.

"I'm gettin' too old for this shit," said Kingsley, and there, now that he's said that, it won't matter if he never appears again, because now he's had his payoff.

…

"You're doing it tonight," said the Dumbledore painting, "No excuses."

"Hey, I know, I know," said Harry, "I was just waiting for Teddy to show up." Everyone had agreed that now that the canon Tonks had appeared and it was no longer funny to call Teddy Future Tonks, they would call him Teddy.

"Sorry I'm late," Teddy said, pulling off the cloak. He moved with a limp, and he held his stomach in pain. "I think my plan might be a bit screwed up."

"Yeah, your mom chewed out your dad over his lesson plan," Harry said, "If you want to secretly slip them both some Love Potion, you might want to start."

"That's Plan C," Teddy said, "Felix Felicis is Plan B. Plan D is I get someone to Imperious them, and get them to make a baby me that way."

"Why do you need to get someone to Imperious them?" asked the painting.

"Uh, because they're my parents. I'm not going to make them have mind-control sex with each other, that's just…ugh," he let out a pained sigh. "I really hope we don't go to Plan D. And the less said of Plan F the better."

"Well, in any case, let's go hat-shopping," Harry said, unsheathing the sword.

"Oh boy!" said the Dumbledore painting.

"You know I didn't mean that as actual hat-shopping, more like a badass way to sum up the situation," said Harry, "And yeah, I know saying hat shopping isn't badass, but the subject doesn't really lend itself well to that."

"You could've said something like, let's haberdash it," said the painting. "It's not much better, but as good as you're going to get."

"No one says haberdash, let alone haberdash it." They argued like this the whole way to the Room of Requirement. They walked by, thinking they needed to find the room where everyone had hidden stuff, and the room obliged.

"Not so fast," said someone, "Or perhaps I should say, not so past," it was the goddamn Sorting Hat, resting on a pile of books, drinking a goblet of wine somehow. "At last, Harry, you make your move. I thought sending your little girlfriend to Team Evil would have forced you to show your hand before now, but you always were a dull boy," the hat laughed, "Never much aptitude for Ravenclaw, in this or any timeline."

"Now, I'm confused," said the Dumbledore painting, "I've had the Sorting Hat for like, a hundred years. Why are you evil all of a sudden?"

"That is a long story, of betrayal, heartbreak, redemption, and tigers," said the Hat solemnly.

"Do we have to hear it?" Harry rolled his eyes.

"Yes!"

"UGH," Harry threw his hands up, before asking, "Do we have to listen?"

"I suppose not."

"Woo-hoo!" Harry shouted, then his eyes glazed over as he did the real-life equivalent of mashing the A button to skip all the dialogue.

"Do you understand?" The Hat finished his speech.

"No," said Harry. He slapped himself in the forehead as the Hat began to tell his long story all over again.

"Aw, come on!" said Teddy.

"Sorry, I was mashing A too fast," Harry muttered as he proceeded to do this again, this time stopping when the conversation was over, "Yes, I understand."

"Good, then you understand why you need to die!" the Hat leapt into battle as only a hat could. Poorly. It flung itself at Harry, who swatted it out of the air.

"Well, mission accomplished," said Harry.

"Wait, you can't destroy it!" begged the Dumbledore painting, "Then how will we Sort people? I mean sure, Sorting is kind of obsolete and biased, but if we don't keep it up then we have to restructure the entire school system, and Harry, I do not have that kind of time."

"Maybe I can give you the answers," said the Ravenclaw Diadem, "Put me upon thy head, and your brain will swell until it bursts with knowledge."

"Man, Voldie was really phoning it in with the defenses on this one," Harry rolled his eyes.

"Luckily," said Teddy, "I have heard of just the magic that will allow us to recreate the Sorting Hat so it may fulfill just its original purpose, without any evil inherent. All I have to do is-" his eyes blanked and he collapsed.

"Uh oh. Dumbledore, what's wrong?"

"Uh, gee, I don't know, maybe the whole existence at risk thing? The Hat may have been a jerk, but it was quite accurate about how you never think things through."

"Ugh," Teddy slowly got up, and it seemed to take all of his strength, "That's pretty rough, I don't recommend it. Sorry guys, I don't think I have it in me to do the spell necessary to recreate the Hat."

"You know, you could put me on," said the Diadem, "I'll put a spring in your step! And vigor in your bones! I may cause your eyeballs to explode, but who knows, maybe I won't!"

"Shut up Diadem," said everybody.

"Wait a second," said Dumbledore's portrait, "I may just be able to Deus ex Machina a way out of this for us. You see, the Hat can see inside you when you put it on. So you have to put yourself on it, to see inside it. Be warned though, once you do, you're gonna see some serious shit."

"Huh, took us way too long for a _Back to the Future_ reference," said Harry.

"Oh, just wait," a future Harry poked his head into the room, "I just came from the end of the chapter, and you will have all the references you could ever want."

"So, are you ready for this?" asked the painting. "Who knows what you might encounter inside? The possibilities are endless, and it's frankly a little dizzying to ponder."

"I'll do it," said Harry, "So that we don't have to fundamentally change the way school is run!" He walked over to the Hat, placed it upright, and sat on it.

…

"Where am I?" asked Harry, who was in a white void. "Wait, I remember this…I'm at King's Cross," and so he was. "Hm…and in front of me, is a big switch that has the Sorting Hat's alignment on it," and before him spawned a metal switch on the wall, with settings being GOOD and EVIL. He flipped the switch. "Ok, I'm done here."

…

Harry awoke in the Room of Requirement, still squatting atop the Hat. "Did it work?" asked a groggy Teddy.

"Let's see," said the painting, "Hat, are you still kind of a dick?"

"Heavens no!" said the Hat, "Why would I be kind of a dick? I just want to Sort the children into the Houses, each one of them as good as the last!"

"Uh, is it kinda weird to anyone else that we wiped his mind?" Harry asked.

"Harry, that's thinking way too deeply into this. This is just a dumb little story about time travel and how it alternates between ruining and fixing everything. Take your serious thoughts and ideas to one of those 2500 word oneshots about your angst during Order of the Phoenix," said the Dumbledore portrait. "Besides, you've still got work to do."

"Oh right," he said, taking the sword, "Hey Diadem, time to Die-a-dem!"

"Ok, that's terrible. Look, just put me on your head, and I'll give you infinite knowledge so you can make a better pun," said the Diadem, adding, "and make you explode your brain." The silly crystal tiara was not given a chance to poorly defend itself any further, as Harry destroyed it with one swift slice of the sword.

"Man, I've been putting that one off for a long time," said Harry, "but the only problem is that was the easiest one to get. How am I supposed to get the locket, or the ring, or the cup, or Nagini?"

"Save some of those things for the other chapters," Teddy said, "This one's stuffed to the brim as is."

"Crap, that reminds me, did you find Scabbers?"

"I've been a little preoccupied, but don't worry, I'll try it soon." Harry was about to mention that it was this procrastinating attitude that led to the Basilisk's release last year, but he realized this would be terribly uncool to do. You want to be cool, don't you? So, he kept quiet.

…

The dance was soon approaching, for the committee that planned it had come up with a theme. And once you have the theme, that's like ninety percent of the work. Harry was going to let himself enjoy the dance, then sneak out at the end to meet Teddy, who will have caught Scabbers, and call out Sirius. The Dumbledore painting was their point man, who had confirmed Sirius was in the area but apparently was not willing to risk getting caught by the dementors or the Aurors. Teddy had been working overtime to thaw the relationship between Lupin and Tonks, and he had managed to get them both chaperoning the dance.

"So, you ask Ginny?" asked Trevor.

"She said she already had somebody," Harry sighed. Teddy wasn't the only one who wanted some parts of this to play out the same. "So, I got no one."

"Same here. Neville said he wanted to enjoy the dance without any irony. What a jerk, right?" Hannah said, "Hey, Harry, why don't we go as a joke? You know, screw those others for taking this seriously and not going with us."

"Why not? What about you, Trevor?"

"Luna said yes, so I'm going with her. At least, I think she said what approximates as yes to her. She actually said something like the bulwarks of notoriety are the last bastion of hope, ne'er its destructors. But she was smiling, so I took it as a yes."

"Ok, I'm not the only one who thinks it's weird that she talks like she read a thesaurus while drunk, right?" asked Hannah.

"Not the weirdest thing I've ever seen," shrugged Harry. They finished getting ready, and in lieu of dress robes which sound like the dumbest things ever, they were just wearing normal fancy clothes. One of the things I liked about the movies was how they had everyone in more casual stuff, instead of goofy-ass Ren Faire robes all the time. Sure, it ruined the gag where wizards would dress like freaks in Muggle society, but that gag was ruined already because it relied on wizards never seeing a nonmagical person ever. Seriously, Ron's Dad, you don't even know how Muggle money works? Never mind that you apparently know (comparatively) a lot about them for your job, but you don't know which number is higher?

The Great Hall was transformed, thanks to the tireless efforts of…oh, who am I kidding, they just used magic, into what was pretty much the Great Hall but with all the tables moved out. The theme was that of an Enchantment Under the Sea dance, so there were blue streamers held up and such. "Hey, check it out," said Cedric Diggory, "I spiked the punch bowl." He held up an empty bottle of the finest, cheapest wizard vodka.

"Damn Cedric Diggory, you're the coolest," said some random dude.

"All right, everybody," said Dumbledore, who was standing up on the stage, "This dance looks to be a rousing success! The dementors don't even seem to care that we're here, and as long as we all have fun, it should stay that way. Of course, our chaperones are here to make sure you all don't have too much fun, heh heh heh," he laughed a kind of creepy old guy laugh, while Hogwarts Professor Number 4 gave him a weird look. "What?" he asked, "You all know how I had my first gay experience at a school dance, right?" I think I prefer the canon Dumbledore who never talks about his personal life. Sensing a wildly inappropriate story coming on, McGonagall cut the magical microphone as Dumbledore explained how it was the summer of '69, 1869, and described the cold metallic arms of his robot lover.

"So, nothing came about with Hagrid teaching, huh?" Harry said. He and his running crew had commandeered a small table, though Ron was absent and Luna was present.

"Not really, it was surprisingly uneventful," said Hermione, who had gone with Neville to spite Ron.

"Things only seem to happen at random times in the year, and even then, only when you're around Harry," said Neville.

"Sup guys?" asked Ron as he swung by the table with his date. "Sorry I'm late, but she was taking a leak."

"Ron!" said Padma.

"It's true, baby, you know it," Ron grinned, and she giggled.

"Where's Cho Chang?" Hermione asked with a bit of taunt to her voice.

"She already was going out with somebody. But hey, I got her Number 2! And she has a twin, so, you know," Ron raised an eyebrow, "Got that to look forward to." His visit was short-lived, for at Padma's insistence that they go out on the dance floor, they were off.

Hermione was silently fuming, as Luna spoke softly, "I feel so dirty when they start talking cute, I want to tell him that I love him but the point is probably moot."

"Ok, that was just from the song Jesse's Girl," said Hannah, "What's your deal, kid?"

"Oh now I've said too much," said Luna, who quickly added, "I haven't said enough."

"That was a song too, by that friggin' nerd band! I'm onto you," Hannah hissed.

"Oh, there's Ginny," said Harry, "She's with…Draco!" I had planned on a really dumb gag where there was a record scratch sound effect, and it turned out to be real because Professor Sprout bumped into the record player. Then I remembered there needs to be an actual band here for the scene to work later. This is apparently the special director's commentary version of this chapter.

"Damn, Draco and Ron's sister," Trevor gave a low whistle. "I expected better from both of them."

Suddenly, Professor Snape burst into Great Hall, "They've caught Sirius Black!" He said, and he seemed pleased as spiked-punch with the news.

"What!" Harry spat, "Dammit Teddy!"

"Well, this is great news! A perfect time for me to introduce the entertainment for tonight, the Lickety Switches…cover band, Lackety Bitches!" Dumbledore announced, "Now, back to my story about Bone-O-Tron…" his mic was cut again.

Harry bumped his way through the crowd on the dance floor to Teddy, who was under the Invisibility Cloak but near his parents. "Uh, Professor, Officer Tonks, I need your help!" Harry sputtered, trying to play something by ear. "I…I…uh," he glanced at Teddy, who had taken the stage.

"Cut Level One," Teddy said the Latin version of this, hitting the guitarist on his hand. This guy was the only dude in the band, like the guitarist from Hole. Which has to suck, when you think about it. No matter how hard you rock, you're still the token guy in the chick band.

"Ow!" the guy said, "Something cut up my hand pretty bad!"

"Have no fear!" Teddy said, entering from offstage, decloaked, "I'm a pretty awesome guitar player!" He took the guitar from the other guy and started playing. The Lackety Bitches shrugged, he was ok, they guessed, so he could play.

"Out with it, Potter," said Lupin, "What do you need us to do?"

"I need you," he said, grinning at Teddy with a knowing nod, "To rock out."

"I hardly see why you need us to do that, but ok," Lupin shrugged, as he and Tonks began to dance together. Harry could tell that they had both been hitting the punchbowl pretty hard, as Tonks nearly tripped over her dress.

"Hey, I've got an idea," said Teddy, who felt himself nearly not existing, "Let's get some blues riff on B, watch me for the changes, and, eh, try and keep up." He then began to play that great 1993 smash hit, I saw the Sign, by Ace of Bass. "I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign, never gonna tear you up, never gonna run around and hurt you." Ok he didn't have the lyrics down, but it worked ok.

One of the bandmembers was on the phone, "Ulf! Ulf Ekberg! It's your cousin, Charlotte Ekberg! You know that sound you're looking for? Well listen to this!" She held up the phone to Teddy's jamming, then went back to speaking to her, "What? What do you mean you already wrote this song? And you're putting an album out? See, Ulf, we need to talk more often, because then this happens."

Fueled by liquor and girl-pop, Lupin and Tonks shared a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss. Teddy smiled to himself, he had succeeded. Well, he had succeeded in part one, in any case. He turned to a furious Harry, and dropped the guitar and went into the crowd.

"So, he's just abandoning us? What a dick," said the drummer.

"Ok, that's great we both avoided a time paradox by referencing _Back to the Future_ again and allowed you to keep existing, but we have to hurry! They have Sirius, and-" Harry was interrupted.

"Nonsense. We have all the time in the world," He winked.

"Don't wink you jackass, we are out of…oh," said Harry, "You sly boots."

"I've fashioned a Time Turner that's, well, let's call it a Time Returner. You can use it to go back to the night we fought the hat and get Scabbers, then use it again to come back here."

"Why then?"

"There's no time to explain, just use it already!"

"But you just said," Harry started.

"No time!" Teddy repeated, shoving it into his hands, "Oh, and, uh, you may want to get your friends to go with you back then."

Harry sighed, "Won't I just have to explain things to them?"

"Explain what?" asked Hannah.

"What the-? How long have you been there?"

"Long enough to hear the words "Time Turner". We're going back to wreak some havoc, right?"

"Sort of! Get Trevor, and let's go."

"Trevor just wants to talk to his moonbat girlfriend. Let's just do it."

Harry looked at Teddy, who nodded approvingly. "Fine." They grasped the hourglass, which was red instead of whatever normal color they are. And suddenly…

…

Ok, maybe it was bad to do a "suddenly" transition then ellipses to indicate a scene transition. Oh well. It was now a few weeks ago, and Harry and Hannah appeared in the Great Hall. "Awesome!" Hannah looked at the walls, there were now hastily fastened crepe paper or streamers or whatever. Indeed, the Enchantment Under the Sea theme was just a twinkle in Party Committee Leader Penelope Clearwater's eye. "It worked! All right, what do we do? Whose grandfather do we need to kill?"

"What? Nobody's! We need to catch a rat, with four claws on one of his paws instead of five."

"That sounds like a real pain in the ass," Hannah sighed, "Do we know Accio?" Harry shrugged. "Let's say we do. Accio Rat!" She zapped a spell off somewhere.

"His name is Scabbers," Harry offered.

"Accio Scabbers," she said, to no effect. They wandered the castle, firing off their rays of returning everywhere. They ended up by the Room of Requirement, as luck would have it, and Harry could hear his own muffled voice. There was also Scabbers, listening closely to what was going on. "Accio Scabbers," Hannah said, bored, but was shocked when this time he was lifted up and sailed to her hand.

"All right! Hold on a second," he poked his head in the door and said, "By the way, I'm from the end of the chapter, and we just outright stole a scene from _Back to the Future_, and Draco is dating Ginny will madness ever cease?" He didn't remember what he said back when this actually happened, but it's not like this paradox would bite him in the ass. "Sorry, had to fill a plot hole. So- ready to go back?"

"Eh," she shrugged, handing him the struggling rat.

With a second click of the Time Returner, they were heading back to the present.

…

…But not really, as they were, according to the hourglass, still early. "That must mean…" Harry thought aloud.

"What?" Hannah asked as he started hurrying off. "Hey! Slow down you jag, I'm wearing heels!" She ran after him.

"Where am I going?" Harry wondered- he was going back to the Great Hall, but he needed to see an Auror to present Scabbers to.

"I said, stop, goddammit!" Hannah said, "At least let me take my shoes off before you decide to sprint off again."

"Sorry, I just need to," he was almost surprised to see Kingsley Shacklebolt there, "Ah! Officer Shacklebolt! This rat, he's really…" Harry's eyes lit up, "Sirius Black! You see, he changed his form permanently thanks to a Metamorphmagus, so he resembles Peter Pettigrew, if anyone."

"Hm, there is a spell I know to force an animagus to take human shape," said Kingsley, who was evidently not quite old enough for _this_ shit. "Yiffinhell," he said, shooting a turquoise ray from his wand that caused Wormtail to take his true form. "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch," he said. "Sirius Black. Your cell in Azkaban is a little lonely, but I'm sure we can do something about that."

"What! No! I'm not Sirius Black, I'm Peter Pettigrew! You have to believe me!"

He quickly stunned Wormtail, and bound him in magic ropes. "The boy already told us. You may have changed your form, but you should know, once you go Black," Kingsley donned a pair of sunglasses, "You never go back."

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Kingsley removed his glasses, "I have to inform the headmaster of this. Potter, Potter's friend, thanks, you're a credit to your age range. I'm taking both of your badges for this," he paused, "Not that last one. Sorry, after a while I zone out and let the black police officer role take over me." He left, first stopping to tell Snape the news.

"So that's why Teddy was able to do everything so calmly, he knew we'd already succeeded!" said Harry.

"So, is it always this boring? It seems like all we do is make sure we don't step on the other timeline's toes," Hannah said.

"Maybe that's for the best," Harry said darkly, sounding very much like a thirty-whatever just then.

"Yeah, I guess. So, wanna head back?"

He nodded, lost in his own thoughts. Don't worry though, they were just about tigers this time. He clicked the button, and they were in the same location, a few minutes later. They went back to the Hall, and Teddy nodded. "You sure played that one cool, Teddy, seeing as we just saw to "Sirius Black's" capture," said Harry after Hannah went to brag about time-traveling to Neville, Trevor, and whoever would listen (which was nobody).

"That is due to my old pal Felix," Teddy showed him an empty vial, "Had to take the whole thing, there was a LOT I had to bullshit my way through."

"Next time why don't you slip me some of that? Or at least tell me, I nearly had a heart attack hearing they got Sirius."

"Speaking of, the Dumbeldore Painting already explained what was going on to him. It's still a little rough- he probably shouldn't show his face, even with Wormtail in jail, but he won't be a fugitive as they already think he's safely locked away."

"So, can I see him?" And then Harry had a reunion with Sirius, with all of the touchy-feely bullshit that implies.

…

In the grimdark future, Neo-Voldemort's coughing grew fiercer. "Are you all right, my lord?" asked Bellatrix, who had become a vampire in order to better serve her master.

"I'm fine," he lied, refusing to show weakness, even to the one who had given the most for him. To show himself weak would be to prove himself unworthy of her devotion. What was happening to him? Potter had not made noticeable progress in months, but he could feel a wave hit him, as if he had somehow been struck at his very being. "That being said, has Malfoy finished the preparations?"

"I don't believe so, the worthless lout," Bellatrix spat. "I heard his boy was still gathering the materials abroad. I will tell him to hurry."

"Indeed," said Neo-Voldemort, sitting down in his chair. Something had to be done, he realized, or he would once again, be reduced to nothing.

…

It was the last day of school, and everyone was eating in the Great Hall, because seriously, the only way to spend time when not in classes is feasting. What is this, the Redwall series? "Well, I'd like to congratulate Remus Lupin, for finally breaking the curse of the Defense position," said Dumbledore, "And would therefore present him with this small gold medal I made myself," he went to give it to him, but Lupin refused.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this. I have to resign, because I've been lying to everyone. I'm…in love with a government official." Everyone gasped, this was somehow more horrifying than if he were a werewolf. "Officer Tonks and I started out rough, but we grew to appreciate the finer points of each other's personalities. I liked how she could change her body at any time, so I could smack some double D hooters around. And she liked the way I howled at the moon, and had a weakness to silver bullets. So, the curse apparently remains."

"Well, now I have to destroy this medal I had made," said Dumbledore, "Are you sure you can't stick around?"

"Well, it's not right for a Ministry employee and a teacher to have a relationship," said Snape, "in fact, no one should ever have relationships ever, unless they find a way to bring just Potter's mom back to life." Snape is vehemently anti-shipping.

"I'm sure," said Lupin, "and to make sure you let me resign," he unbuckled his belt, "Say Professor McGonagall, could you pucker your lips and close your eyes for a second?"

"I don't know, I've been burned before doing this," she said.

"Come on," he said, and she complied. He dropped his pants and shoved his butt into her face, saying "Bark at this Moon, baby!" The crowd of students erupted into cheers, while he grabbed the magical microphone and said, "Peace! I'm out!" He dropped the mic, and the cheering grew louder.

…

"Two down," Harry said, crossing out the Diadem picture on his sheet of paper, "Four to go," he made a checkmark next to the Year 3 bulletpoint. He wondered if he had deviated too far from the events of his previous year 3 for it count, but luckily he wasn't playing based on accuracy.

…

In the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, the cabinet housing the Boggart stood silently. The creature, not destroyed by Lupin but not packed up and taken with him either, stirred in the darkness. "What's a Boggart to do?" mused the creature, named Humphrey Boggart. "Born only with the power to scare others away…"

"HUMPHREY BOGGART OF EARTH," said an unknown voice, "YOU HAVE THE POWER TO INSTILL GREAT FEAR. WELCOME TO THE YELLOW LANTERN CORPS."

NEXT TIME: Well, I don't really have anything planned yet, so I'm going to guess that Harry's attempts to stick to the original timeline fall short and he ends up doing whatever's easiest. This could be the preview for every chapter after this too. Will Harry be able to stop Voldemort's revival? Is the Goblet of Fire tournament still going to be a thing? If so, did I waste the whole set-up for that dumb, overused _Back to the Future_ joke, seeing as I could do it in the next chapter for the Yule Ball and be done with it? And what about Neo-Voldemort, in the future? I don't know where I'm going with this, but really, what about him?


	4. Year 4 A Tournament of Lies

At the old manor, there were the sounds of two people talking over their plan, and a giant snake slithering around. Luckily, local caretaker Frank Bryce was too deaf to hear any of this nonsense and slept soundly in his bed.

HARRY POTTER AND THE TIME TRAVEL RELATED PUN CHAPTER THE FOURTH: A TOURNAMENT, A TOURNAMENT, A TOURNAMENT OF LIES

"I really hope this works," said Harry. He and the Dumbledore painting were outside Grimmauld Place.

"I'd think a man who sent himself back through time would be a little less skeptical," said the painting, "I was the Secret-Keeper for its location, so that should qualify me to tell you it, even if I'm technically just a painting."

"You know, I've always wondered. What's the deal with the paintings? Are you like, Dumbeldore's memories, or are you more like that Abraham Lincoln robot at Disney?"

"Asking questions like those is just going to disappoint you when I just shrug my shoulders and say I don't know. Anyway, let's try this out." They approached Grimmauld Place, and Harry's heart skipped a beat when Number 12 actually showed itself to them. "See, told you it'd work."

"Time to smash a locket," Harry grinned.

"Eh, better than haberdash it," the painting sighed. Ignoring, apparently, that it was he who suggested saying haberdash it.

The Black house was abandoned, not yet called as a meeting place for the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius, who had no fond memories of the place, ignored it as a potential hiding spot. I guess despite him being a running joke in this story, Sirius himself is probably not going to appear in it proper. So, I'm not really sure what Kreacher was supposed to be doing in there. I guess talking to the Mrs. Black painting.

"All right, let's get to looking," said Harry.

"Who's we? I don't have any arms," said the painting, "But I'll be happy to watch you search and keep your spirits up by singing a jaunty tune." He then began to sing one of those songs that had an upbeat tune but whose subject matter was actually pretty horrible when you look at the lyrics. That's right, he was singing the greatest hits of the band The Police.

…

Daylight was breaking when both Harry had found the locket and Dumbledore had run out of Police songs that he knew. "Excellent work! And I'm sure my songs about sex workers and stalkers helped you along! Be careful, though, this Horcrux will have real defenses to it."

"Yeah, I know, I was there when it was first destroyed," Harry readied the sword, when a black mist shot from the locket. "Aw, seriously?"

"Don't stab me, stab that asshole portrait! He could've made all of this so much easier! Also, here's him and your girlfriend making out," the locket made a vision of Ginny and the Dumbledore portrait kissing. I don't even know how that is supposed to work.

Harry then unleashed it, the single joke he had been waiting for, the pun that would sever the locket's defenses so he could slash it, "Shut the hell your face!" He shouted, stabbing the locket with the sword.

"Aw shit, why'd you do it?" The locket exploded.

"That's…three," Harry said, counting them off. "So, just the ring, Nagini, the cup, and Voldie himself."

"Yes, that's right," said Dumbledore, who paused to count it out for himself. Maybe they should teach math at Hogwarts. "I may be able to arrange it so that my human self gets the hint to go after the ring, and you can probably get the snake and Voldemort himself at once, leaving just the cup as the real puzzler."

"Yeah," said Harry, trying to think up something, "In any case, I should get going. School's starting before long," he said.

"I know," said the painting defensively.

…

The Great Hall was bustling with activity the first night of school. Harry knew that this year's gimmick was the Triwizard Tournament, so he played along with all the older students and staff who said things like, "Oh, there's something REALLY COOL going on, but I can't tell you what it is!" Harry, however, was not going to play this game.

"I hear they're bringing back the Triwizard Tournament this year," said Harry casually to his friends.

"What's that, some kind of interschool championship to determine who gets all the magic?" asked Trevor.

"Sort of," said Harry.

"Neat," said Hannah.

"All right everybody, settle down," said Dumbledore. It was time for him to introduce the new Defense teacher, who hopefully wouldn't be a Death Eater impersonating Moody this time. Granted, Harry took no steps to prevent this possibility, but wishful thinking will work in a pinch. "This year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is Professor Moody. It's ok to call him Mad-Eye though, as long as you do it behind his head," he stared at the professor, "His weird, misshapen head. Anyway, I've also got a SOOPAR SPESHUL announcement regarding this school year- we are going to be hosting the first ever Hogwarts Decathlon!" This led to confused murmuring, especially among the students who were positive it was going to be the Triwizard tournament.

"What? Why isn't it the Triwizard Cup!" asked Trevor angrily.

"A minute ago you didn't even know this existed," said Hannah.

"I know, we were in the running to join the Triwizard Tournament, but apparently our application got mixed up with someone else's, because the schools competing in that are Beauxbatons, Durmstrang, and Pigbutts," explained Dumbledore. Pigbutts was another prominent wizarding school, albeit one with a student body made entirely of Piggledeedees. There, young pig wizard Harry Porker had all kinds of adventures with his friends Hamione Granger and…uh…Bacon Weasley, I guess. Ron's name really doesn't lend itself well to terrible pig puns. I guess you might say something something not kosher. Yeah for that one I had the end of the joke but didn't care enough to work out the middle because as you can see, not a lot of payoff. "Anyways," Dumbledore continued, even though he had not just gone on a tangent about Pigbutts, "The Hogwarts Decathlon is a series of events that will test all of your wizarding skills. However, we were only able to scrounge up enough money to cover the insurance costs of four students, so one champion from each house will be selected."

"Oh, so it's just like the Triwizard Tournament anyway," said Harry.

"Nuh-uh!" said Dumbledore, who heard him I guess, "It's way better! But in any case, time to Sort the children!"

"Hooray! I love Sorting the children, and in general doing things that aren't antagonize Harry Potter!" exclaimed the Sorting Hat. He then went on to sing a song about how the Hogwarts Decathlon was a terrible idea, guys, seriously, and that they need to unite in order to discover the hidden secret of Hogwarts. Luckily no one ever listens to the Sorting Hat's songs, or there would be no conflict at all in this chapter!

However, one very important child got Sorted as well. "Schmelvin Mitchellstork! Gryffindor!" said the Hat. Schmelvin nodded, and headed to the table. But that will hopefully pay off much, much later.

"Ok, now to select the contestants for the Hogwarts Decathlon, and for one I hope that it isn't just Harry Potter and his friends and rivals…Psyche! We're going to do that later. Enjoy your first day!" Dumbledore laughed maniacally, hitting a switch on the table that caused the chair he was sitting on to slowly recede into the ground while smoke filled the air.

"Well that was weird," said Mad Eye Moody. Harry studied him carefully. He sincerely hoped that he was not Barty Crouch Jr. under the effects of Polyjuice Potion. Unfortunately, he had no way of knowing for sure. Slipping some Veritaserum into the flask of an incredibly paranoid man would be near impossible, and that was his best idea. Maybe, though, Voldemort would not attempt his return this year. He had used the Triwizard cup as a portkey the last time around, which was a bit of a lousy plan, Harry could tell. He wasn't complaining, for it made the Dark Lord a more manageable foe, but Tom Riddle had a flair for theatrics that at times burdened common sense. A sensible master of evil would have made his Horcruxes random items of no real personal significance, and cast them into the sea or in a desert. And that same sensible overlord would have used any old portkey, the first chance he got, to get Harry to that graveyard.

Wait a minute… "Hermione," said Harry, "Do you still have a Time-Turner?"

She shook her head. "No, I ran into myself one of those days, and we had a long conversation about what I wanted to do with my life. I told me, Anything you have to bend reality to do is not worth doing."

That was too bad, Harry thought, though maybe he could get Teddy to lend him a Time-Returner again. Maybe he shouldn't rely on Teddy and the Dumbledore Painting so much, he thought, but then again, there were still some things that would likely be near impossible without the help of others. He had plenty of help too, his first time around, and then he had the disadvantage of not knowing what to do. An idea hit him as for how to get into Gringotts. It was a long shot, but maybe it would work…

…

That night, he pulled out a slip of parchment and began writing. "Dear Kingsley Shacklebolt," he said, because he always read his letters as he wrote them, "I am sure you know about the legendary lost treasures of Hogwarts. It has come to my attention that one of them may have been stolen, and is placed in the Lestrange family vault at Gringotts- the goblet of Henrietta" he scratched that out, remembering Kingsley would not understand a future discovery, "Helga Hufflepuff. I think such a valuable artifact deserves better than to rot away in a criminal's vault as she serves out her life sentence, and that it should be placed in the finest wizarding museum. I know you will likely mistrust my words, but I was informed _by phoenix song _that this was the truth." Yes, he somehow wrote that in italics. The phrase "by phoenix song" was used by later Aurors and the previous Order of the Phoenix as a way to refer to Dumbledore. In Harry's future, using it meant that the information you were giving was accurate and, perhaps most importantly, confidential, and you were to treat the words as if Big Al had said these words to you himself. In this case, Kingsley would interpret this to mean Dumbledore had figured this out, and told Harry to send it, as the Minister of Magic would get suspicious of Dumbledore and his top Auror exchanging secretive letters. Pretty clever, Harry congratulated himself, you're doing Hermione proud with this one. A shudder as he accidentally invoked images of the future he was preventing. He wished that those would have quit by now, but each time he saw them, they were still as terrible as they had been when he first saw them.

…

It was the second day of school, and Dumbledore was giving a speech, "Ok, sorry, I forgot the plot couldn't progress unless we actually pulled the contestants," he explained sheepishly. "So, there we go. From Gryffindor, we have," he pulled a name from a hat. It was not the Sorting Hat, it was the Pulling Hat, who was also evil, but its plans ran parallel to Harry's so they didn't have to deal with him. "Ron Weasley!" Ron got up and did the Ric Flair walk up the stage, to thunderous applause from Gryffindor's table and Padma Patil screaming for him to take his shirt off. "All right, settle down. From Ravenclaw, we've got," he pulled the name, "Cho Chang!" Cho nodded and took her place on the stage, and Ravenclaw seemed pretty jazzed about it. "Froooooooooom Slytherin," Dumbledore said, acting like a boxing ring announcer, "Draco, the Snake-o Maaallllfffoooooooooooy!" Draco looked shocked, and took the stage, to confused cheers from Slytherin. They all expected it to be Waldorf, or, hell, maybe Ginny to prove she was really evil, not this fallen Slytherin. "And from Hufflepuff," he stopped pulling the name, "Let's not kid ourselves. We all know it's going to be Harry Potter, Harry, get up here," It was a good thing he said that, because Harry had already made his way up there.

"Good," said Trevor, "I was worried it was going to be Cedric Diggory or something."

"Aw, dude," said Cedric sadly. "Well, I guess the only important canon Hufflepuff is doomed to obscurity in these alternate universes. Oh well," he took off his shirt, where he had painted "YO CHO" in big letters and then, in smaller letters, "And Harry I guess".

"The first event, just like in any good decathlon, will be a 100 meter dash. However, there will be," Dumbledore sighed, "I don't know, magic and shit during the race. And we'll start it, uh, I guess when the plot needs to progress some more."

Dinner was over, and the students dispersed. "Man, I'm not really sure about going up against Ron," said Harry to no one in particular, "He's my friend and all, and I don't really care about winning, maybe I should quit and let someone else have the glory."

"You can't do that, you fool," said Moody, "That would ruin everything the old man's planned," adding quickly, "by old man I mean Dumbledore. Also, you'll get the Quitter's Curse."

"Yeah, turns out I also loathe a quitter," said J.K. Rowling, who was sitting at the rear of the hall and counting her money.

"What does that do?" Harry asked, he heard such a thing existed, but not its effects.

"Your dick falls off," said Moody. Harry gasped, and withdrew a picture of him, Ginny, and their children. The children started to slowly fade, like their existence was threatened.

"Ok, I won't quit," he said, and his children in the picture returned to normal. "But I'm not happy about this." And it could be Moody was forcing him along because he was once again just Barty Crouch.

Trevor was waiting for him near the table. "Hannah already went back to the dorm, you coming?" He asked.

"I want to stop by the Owlery first," he said, "I'm expecting a letter."

"All right, see you then," Trevor left. It was a bit odd, Harry thought, that he never met Trevor and Hannah his first time around. Granted, he didn't spend too much time with the Hufflepuffs, but he figured he would have least heard of them, like Ernie MacMillian. Maybe Hannah Weasley was really Hannah Abbott, and that part of his traveling back in time changed her family history that her mother married someone else.

…

The Owlery was filled with owls and bird shit, as it tended to be. Harry found a message for himself, and tore it open without a second thought. "Dear Mr. Potter," read the letter, "I'm getting too old for this shit. Nonetheless, thanks to your tip, a successful raid on the Lestrange vault went about early this morning, with the blessing of the goblins. The Hufflepuff goblet was retrieved, and it is going to be delivered _to the talons of the phoenix_," Kingsley could write in italics too, I guess, "for safekeeping. There was something off about it, and if anyone could determine its problem, it's him. Enclosed is the standard 10 Galleon reward we offer to anyone with tips that lead to successful case closure. You've done a great credit to the Ministry of Magic, and should you want it, I will gladly write you a letter of recommendation to whatever you decide to do upon graduation. Signed, Officer Kingsley Shacklebolt."

That went well, Harry thought, better than he thought, since if Dumbledore were to take possession of the cup, it would be easier to destroy. He also suspected that his obvious hints he had dropped to the old wizard had convinced him something was afoot. He had to rely on the Dumbledore Painting for now, who had assured him he would get Dumbledore to check out the ruins of the Gaunt house. After that, it was just the matter of locating Voldemort himself, as well as Nagini. His stomach turned. Could he really finish this before graduation? He'd have all the heartache avoided of the war with Voldemort, and with Bellatrix Lestrange still safely in prison, there was no Horcrux for her to accidentally create, nor a method for her to revive her body by making it a tool of the vampires.

…

In the Slytherin dorm, Draco sat in a chair, staring at the sword of Gryffindor. He was surprised that he was allowed to keep it after all this time- the Sorting Hat gave it to him as a means to defeat Harry Potter. But Potter was still alive, and the Hat seemed to have changed its tune entirely regarding the Boy Who Lived. In any case, it was probably a good thing he had it- they would be allowed the use of their wands and blades for some of the events of the Decathlon. Yet Draco could not muster the hatred necessary to defeat Harry Potter. It seemed Waldorf Hightides had taken that from him as well. Maybe, though, this was a good thing. Could it be that Draco was never the hero of the story because he was too evil? Most of the stories that featured him in a major role would downplay his evil…well, except for _My Immortal_, but the less said of that the better.

The Bloody Baron appeared in front of the scion of House Malfoy. "Come, young Draco, you are to train if you want to succeed in the Decathlon." Draco nodded dutifully and followed the ghost to the field to train.

…

Harry and Ron were training together, running in the field and occasionally breaking to fire some spells at each other. Hermione, Neville, Hannah, and Trevor were watching them, shouting off ideas of which spells to shoot or when to go back to running. Ron never got a side-weapon like the others, so if they got into a melee clash he just used his bare fists. RON WEASLEY- TOTAL BADASS. Harry swung his sword, and Ron parried it by punching the blade. Granted, it wasn't pure brute strength- deciding to become a more prominent character this year, Ron trained in the mountains of Japan over the summer, just punching the crap out of oni. This had intensified his magical energies (obviously he beat enough of them to gain a level or two) so that he now could direct the flow of power much easier. Wandless magic was Ron Weasley's bitch.

"You've gotten better, Ron," Harry said respectfully as his blade stayed against the _Protego_ spell around Ron's fists. He twisted, deflecting Ron's punch and throwing forth his own palm with a distinct stabbing motion, "Santa Monica!" A flash of blue lightning hit Ron before he could react, but he stood his ground. He performed a roundhouse kick that would do any shoto clone proud, and it caught Harry off guard and sent him to the ground.

"Pretty good, Harry," Ron panted, "Did you just make that spell up?"

Actually he stole it from Mortal Kombat. Just kidding, Raiden said something else during the lightning attack. It was his flying forward thing where he shouted Santa Monica. At least that's how it was in the old game, I'm guessing the newer ones took out his goofy sayings. "Yeah, I did," said Harry, because he is a liar. Were his clothing not protected with a maintained Aquamenti spell, his pants would almost certainly be on fire.

"You think we're ready for this?" Ron asked, "I mean, Draco has a lot to prove, and Cho Chang is really good with that katana, her being Japanese and all."

"I thought she was Chinese," Harry said.

"Come on, she can't be Chinese. Her name is Cho Chang. That's too obvious. That would be like naming a Latino kid Pablo Picante."

"Anyway," said Harry, "I think that's enough for now."

"Maybe," said Ron, "I think I'm going to spar with Neville a bit more, but if you want to quit," hearing that word made Harry squirm, "go ahead."

"When you put it that way, I think I have another half hour or so left in me."

…

It was the day of the first event. You may be wondering why I haven't done that thing where they go through one of Moody's classes, but the problem with Moody was he was both competent and not a werewolf. I mean, I could do all sorts of things where he does things that seem evil at first but he has a good reason for them, but that's kind of what I did with Lupin, where he would do werewolf things and no one figured out he was a werewolf. So yeah, Moody isn't showing up much because I can't come up with a gimmick for him…maybe if he were a hardcore furry?

Moody entered the stands, wearing a full Dalmatian fursuit. "Uh," blinked Neville, "Professor? Why are you-?"

"CONSTANT VIGILANCE!" screamed Moody as he sat down.

"Hey there, sailor," said Charlie Weasley, who was in a dragon suit. You know what? This is worse than him having no gimmick at all.

"Welcome to the first event of the Hogwarts Decathlon!" bellowed Dumbledore, "The Magic 100 Meter Dash! These four champions of their respective Houses, must race each other to the finish. However, standing in their way are the terrifying Blast Ended Skrewts!" McGonagall whispered something into his ear, "Really? Dammit, Hagrid, I go to bat for you every year, and this is how you repay me? Ok, apparently the Skrewts all killed each other, because that is how they mate. I know you're thinking that doesn't make sense, and it seriously doesn't, I'm with you a hundred percent on that one. Ok, standing in their way now is, uh, several other students who will be making scary wind noises!"

Taking the field were now the Slytherin Three, Waldorf Hightides, Crabbe Claw and Gar Goyle, as well as Schmelvin Mitchellstork, THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN THIS STORY. They stood at about the seventy meter mark, and proceeded to make scary wind noises as promised.

"And go!" Dumbledore said, though he was still mad about the Skrewts. Who knew creatures that communicated, ate, slept, and mated via explosions would have such short lifespans? Well, apparently Hagrid, and he left everybody high and dry with this one.

They all took off running, trying to stop each other with an occasional Jelly Legs Jinx or a Hey Hey You You Suddenly There's a Banana Peel In Front of You spell, but Harry focused on running. He kept his feet moving quickly enough that any fired curse hit the ground where his feet once were. And since none of these wizards learn how to lead their shots by playing Space Invaders, Harry was leaving them behind.

But ahead of him, zounds! It was that master of nefarious deeds, Waldorf Hightides, and he was making spooooky wind noises. "Whoooooooooosh" he whispered through his cupped hands. "Whoooooooooooo-ooosh!"

"Gah!" Harry shielded his eyes, and slowed to a trudge as he battled the imagined winds. He slowly took out his wand, and yelled, "Not My Daughter You Bitch!" which was the name of a spell that dispelled winds. There was a long story for that, and the reason why this spell had killed (or almost killed but whatever) Bellatrix is that she was originally a wind spirit. Of course, J.K. Rowling edited that part out of the original draft because it created a plot hole about one of the Weasley cousins. And if you got that joke, congratulations, also, NEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRD!

"Gasp!" gasped Waldorf, because he never learned you're not supposed to read the lines that are denoted by asterisks or parentheses, "How did you do that?"

"I'm Harry Friggin' Potter," he replied coolly, lighting a cigarette. Then he Stunned Waldorf and raced to the finish.

"And first place goes to Harry Potter! Big freakin' surprise there!" said Dumbledore, "Yes, I'm still pissed about the Skrewts. That just killed my buzz, and I'm not going to be able to get it back in, it's gotta be at least ten minutes. But the battle still rages for Second Pla- nope, Weasley got it. Good on you, Weasley. Those other guys can go suck one for all I care."

"You did good, Potter," said Moody from within his fursuit, "Real good."

"Uh, Professor, I'm not entirely comfortable with you talking to me while you're wearing that. Also, why are you wearing that?"

"Used to be a pretty hardcore furry. Stopped being one when the race started, and, well, haven't had time to change since then."

"Oh," Harry was averting his eyes, "Could you change now?"

"I can," he said, and he left.

"Well, I wonder what the next event will be."

"The next event will be a battle of wits," explained McGonagall, because Dumbledore had left the field angrily. "The four champions will battle each other, on four Apple 2e computers, in the game of Oregon Trail. First one to Oregon, or, in case everyone dies of dysentery, the one who gets furthest will win."

Harry gasped. He didn't say gasp, he just did it. A battle of wits would favor Ravenclaw, and whenever he played Oregon Trail he would just hunt constantly because that was the only real game aspect to it. He needed to train, while first place had gotten him four points, but Ron was right behind him with three. Draco had gotten third place, and his Slytherin chums were not too happy about that. And Cho Chang was furious with her terrible loss, because Schmelvin had tripped her when she tried to pass, so she ordered that a peasant be brought to her that she may decapitate him.

…

Meanwhile…

"Eh, guess we're not going to be in this chapter," said Teddy, who was hanging out with Humphrey Boggart. "Wanna catch a movie or something?"

…

Harry was going to return to his dorm, when the Head of Hufflepuff, who I think was Professor Sprout, stopped him. "The Headmaster wants to see you," she said. Professor Sprout was a lady, right?

"About damn time," said Harry, who just wanted to see how Sprout would react to that. Unfortunately he was disappointed as Professor Sprout suffers from partial deafness and did not hear it. So he went up to the Headmaster's office, whispering "Penis penis penis penis penis" into the Gargoyle's ear. This was the password, oddly enough, and Harry moved on.

"So," said Dumbledore, a haze filling his office, "That was pretty good at the race, there, Harry. But I wanted to talk to you about something else. For you see, a very handsome painting informed me I should look at the ruins of Voldemort's house. And, because I have nothing better to do with my time, I did. I found this," he put the ring on the table. It didn't look like he had tried to destroy it yet. "Ordinarily, I would chalk this up to God smiling upon me, in all His hideous, indescribable glory," Dumbledore's religion was that of the Western Baptist C'thulans. Have you accepted the squid-faced, unimaginable savior into your life? "But then I remembered I hadn't sacrificed nearly enough," he stopped himself, "of my time and energy, to deserve such a thing. Then, I get a letter from Kingsley Shacklebolt," uh oh here we go, thought Harry, after he thought how inappropriate it was for a school official to be endorsing his religion like that, "thanking me for my knowledge and aid in the recovery of the lost cup of Hufflepuff, and also for being discreet enough by having you send him the information instead of doing it myself."

Harry waited. Surely Dumbledore had figured everything out by now, he was probably reading Harry's mind this very instant, well, he would have no satisfaction in learning anything important from doing that.

"Is that the song Jesse's Girl?" asked Dumbledore. Harry nodded. "I like that song."

"I liked it better when I thought the titular Jesse was a girl instead of a guy, though," said Harry.

"Really? Did you not ever listen to the lyrics?"

"Just the chorus, sir."

"You know what song I really like? Take on Me," said Dumbledore, with a dumb grin on his face.

"Dude, dude, I mean, sir, stop right there, I know what you're saying," Harry had a dumb grin on his face too.

"Man, have you ever friggin' seen that music video?" Harry shook his head, "Oh, dude, we've gotta…_Televisio_!" Dumbledore summoned a TV in front of them, and put in a video cassette. The music video started playing.

"It's all sketchy and shit," said Harry in a dreamlike way. "Wait, I thought Hogwarts makes technology not work?"

"Harry, keep in mind, I am me," said Dumbledore with a grand flourish. The blotts were nowhere to be found though. "If I wanted to, we could live life like those Old Spice commercials, or those other commercials that just rip off the Old Spice commercials." Harry nodded, even though this is causing a plot hole about both how they can know about future ad campaigns as well as one about a Weasley cousin.

They watched the video for Take on Me five times in a row, the last three times they were trying very poorly to sing along with the lyrics. But, that was all over by now, "Well, it's getting late," said Dumbledore, "We've got Event Two of the Decathlon tomorrow, and I forgot what I was going to tell you anyway. Oh! Now I remember," uh oh, thought Harry again, "one of the prizes is going to be this ring and the cup of Hufflepuff, because I don't know what I'm going to do with them otherwise."

"Sir, maybe you should just give those to me, and have the television and music video tape be the prizes," suggested Harry. Better to have those Horcruxes safely in his hands then risk one of the others getting a hold of them and accidentally wearing the ring or drinking from the cup.

"That's a good idea, the winner can get all four!" said Dumbledore, "Oh, I've got a tip for you," he leaned in close, "Always be the banker from Boston. That extra money will help, even if doing so lowers your score. Good night, Harry! May C'thulu decide against killing you horribly!"

Harry, familiar with this religion from his future, nodded and returned the traditional goodbye. He exited the Headmaster's office, and was very tempted to head down to the Great Hall and order a sandwich the size of a house.

…

It was in one of the dungeon classrooms were four Apple 2e computers sat, each one of them sitting on a screen welcoming players to Oregon Trail, and instructing them to hit the spacebar to continue. The Four Champions of Hogwarts took their seats- Draco and Ron goggled at the mysterious devices in front of them, having never seen a computer before in their lives. Harry was familiar with them from his time in the future, and also because he had received Dudley's old Apple computer as a child when Dudley decided he wanted a Linux. He didn't really want a Linux, he just liked having that option should he ever decide he wanted one. Cho Chang was also familiar with the device, and no, not because she was Chinese, you racist. Everyone hit space, and built their party.

Harry at first thought it would be a nice though meaningless gesture to name everyone after his group of friends. However, he luckily remembered that most of the game involved these people dying horribly, and did not want to open any old wounds because an 8-bit square he named Ginny died. So, it was his current fourteen year old maturity that won out, as in his five person was group was HARRY, BUTT, TITS, POOP, and PENSI, because he made a typo and only noticed it after he hit Enter. He loaded his videogame wagon with food, ammo, medicine, and other supplies, and he was first out of the gate in the race to Oregon.

Not to be outdone, Ron set his pace to grueling and his rationing to small to make up for lost time. Rookie mistake, Harry thought as one of Ron's party was felled by fever.

"Oh come on!" said Draco, as a thief had stolen some of his supplies. He hit spacebar in frustration, triggering a hunting scene. After killing several deer, though, he again shouted out in frustration. "I can only carry 99 pounds of meat back to the wagon? This is bullshit!"

"Please, Mr. Malfoy," said McGonagall, "There are children present, and they're not going to learn any of the _cool_ swear words if you just say bullshit."

"Ok, I'll do my best," said Draco. He then said an ancient wizard swear word that I would reproduce if I had Cyrillic characters on my keyboard. The watching first years stared in awe, and a few of them wrote it on a slip of parchment. As soon as they had, though, the parchment burst into flames.

The challenge went on, with Harry, Draco, and Cho hot on each other's heels. Ron had practically lost when failing to caulk the wagon and float had taken most of his supplies and a handful of his surviving party, when he as party leader caught the dreaded dysentery. When informed of his avatar's death, Ron solemnly wrote himself an epitaph, "Here lies ron / peperony and chease". He bowed out of the challenge. Last place had only earned him one point, so he was tied with Harry at four points.

"Professor Flitwick!" Cho cried out, "I choose to spend thirty points of Ravenclaw's in order to hinder my opponents!" Everyone gasped, was this something she could do? Yes. It was.

Two men Harry had never seen before appeared behind Draco and himself, and the next thing he knew, he was landing very hard on the ground on top of his shoulders as the man performed a German Suplex on him. The guy hindering Draco chose instead to do a Spinning Piledriver, and, while the boys were dazed, the two men bumped fists with one another and disappeared back to wherever it was they came from.

Cho Chang stood up, laughing with her hand over her mouth. She had done it. Somehow, she had reached Oregon. "What?" asked Harry, "How did she do that? Draco, how long were we out?"

"Three hours," said McGonagall, "We thought you both were dead." They were about to ask why they didn't do anything if they really thought Harry and Draco were dead, but the boys realized something. The race was still on. They scrambled to their computers, vying for second place.

"Professor Snape!" cried out Draco, "I hereby spend thiry points of Slytherin in order to hinder my opponent!"

Snape looked up from his newspaper, "Eh," he said.

Draco's eyes burned, "I hereby spend a million bajillion points in order to hinder my opponent!" Everyone gasped. Invoking such a number at Hogwarts was taken very seriously, even though it probably shouldn't be. So Snape was forced to put down his paper, and he slowly walked over to the power cord of Harry's Apple 2e, and unplugged it. Draco had won. Well, he had won second place, which was almost as good as winning.

Harry was still in the lead with six points, though. Draco and Cho were tied at five, and Ron had four. "Great job everybody," said Dumbledore, "That wasn't really boring to watch or anything, all those people who left just really had to poop or something. It is Burrito Night, after all. And those people who are asleep were just stressed our from all the excitement. But anyway, congratulations to Miss Cho Chang, who unfortunately did not put any stereotypes to rest by being really good at a computer game. I will inform you of the next event," he sighed, "Right now. It is a four way duel between you all, and it will be in the Quidditch field. It will be the final event of the Decathlon, and first place will award you two hundred and fifty points."

"Uh," started Harry, "Then why do you call it a Decathlon if there's only three events? And the last one is weighted so that the first two events are pointless?"

"Look, if we called it the Hogwarts Triathlon, everyone would know it's just a ripoff of the Triwizard Tournament. As for your second question, I didn't hear it. This event will be held whenever I damn well feel like it, so start your preparation now."

…

Much later, when Dumbledore felt like it, they were holding the final event of the Dec…Triathlon. In the middle of the Quidditch field, a giant steel tower had been temporarily erected for the purposes of this event. The battle would be held up top there, because it would be the most dramatically exciting. Each stood, armed with their wand and weapon of choice, eyeing the other. That it was a free for all introduced an element of strategy- would they forge temporary alliances with one another to take each other down? Harry was Ron's friend, but he couldn't help but feel Ron was looking forward to getting some glory for once. And Draco would stop at nothing to defeat Harry and prove himself the Alpha Slytherin once again. Cho had proved herself too with those suplexing/piledriving fellows that no one was yet quite able to understand. At the center of the arena was a raised dais, and surrounded by a magical barrier lay the trophy. The barrier would disperse when only one stood.

Everyone was watching, but… "Where's Professor Moody?" asked Hermione.

"And where's Luna?" asked Neville.

"Also," said Trevor, "Where's Schmelvin Mitchellstork?"

"And while we're naming people who aren't here anymore," said Hannah, "Where the hell did Trevor just go? I mean, he was right here. He just asked where Schmelvin was."

"Begin!" called Dumbledore, and the four began battling. Spell was followed by spell, followed by a locking of blades. Draco flung himself into battle with Harry, leaving Ron and Cho to fight amongst themselves.

"Cho!" Ron shouted, "Why didn't you go to the dance with me last year!" She dodged his attack and fired a close range Stupefy, which was deflected by the spell around his fists.

"Because, I deserve a higher class of wizard as my man-bride," she said. She was quick, quicker than Ron expected. She struck him the pommel of her blade, and he fell backwards. He reached out, just barely grabbing the edge preventing him from a fall to his…not death, they had teachers waiting to Hover charm anyone who fell, but it would be really embarrassing for Ron to get fourth place twice in a row. "When you see the _shinigami_," Cho taunted, stepping on his hand, "Tell him Cho Chang sent you!"

"What's a shinigami?" asked Ron through grit teeth. Sometimes, you just have to know the answer to life's little questions.

She rolled her eyes, "It's a Japanese death god."

"Aha!" said Ron, not talking about Take on Me this time, "So you are Japanese!"

Her eyes burned with rage, and she reared back her heel to drive it into his hand, "I'm Korean, asshole!" Before she could stomp him, though, she fell forward. Harry had blocked Draco's sword attack and fired a Stupefy at the same time when her back was turned. He fired some Santa Monica lightning at Draco to distract him, while he grabbed Ron and pulled him up.

"Sorry about that, mate, but if it's any consolation; you're too good for her. Hey! You know who's hot? Hermione!" said Harry, who desperately wanted Ron to marry her so that their kids could be friends with each other.

"Yeah, she's not bad," Ron said, "But we can talk about that later. First let's send this Slytherin punk packing!"

"Heh, if you think this is the first time I've had to beat off two guys you're sorely mistaken," laughed Draco. His eyes widened, "That came out wrong! I'm straight, you guys."

"He seems awfully defensive, eh Ron?"

"He must have something to hide, eh Harry?" They often did this little routine, inspired by Fred and George. I would have shown this earlier if I had not just come up with this detail.

"It's too bad, Ron."

"What is, Harry?"

"That it's him against us, Ron."

"Indeed, Harry."

"Shall we use our Combination Art, Ron?"

"Oh, undoubtedly, Harry," they got into a pose, and were about to attack, but Draco laughed.

"Ha! A Combination attack? That pales in comparison to what the Bloody Baron taught me- the ultimate attack of the Snake Kempo- Fiendfyre!" A torrent of flames shot from his palms, and it twisted and roared at the other boys.

"I somehow doubt Madam Pomfrey's ability to save us from this one, Ron," Say what you want about Harry, he commits to the bit.

"Indeed, Harry. Shall we run?"

"We shall," they ran from the flames, but Draco was steering them with his blade. The Bloody Baron appeared behind Draco, laughing. "Draco, do you really want to do this? To kill us?"

Draco grinned, "Was I too obvious?" the flames died down, and he spun, facing the ghost, "Sorry, Baron, but I'm going to pull my Heel-Face Turn a little earlier than I thought," he leapt at the ghost, "I've decided against being the main character!" He said as he slashed his sword, the ghost holding his own with a spirit rapier, "Because there's something even better than that! Becoming the redeemed former rival!" Another sword slash, this one connected (somehow) on the ghostly foe. "Because if there's one thing I know, it's" he connected again, "Bitches!" slice "Love!" slice "The Bad Boy!" He cut through the Bloody Baron cleanly, and the ghost dissolved. The Slytherins booed, he had (somehow) killed their House ghost, and stopped being evil. Well, all but two Slytherins booed, as Ginny and Astoria Greengrass smiled. It was true. Bitches love the bad boy.

There was the sound of slow, sarcastic clapping. "Excellent work, Draco, if you had killed Potter there I would have had to tear you apart," where was that voice coming from? Probably some invisible jerk, that's who.

"Are you seriously threatening the now heroic Draco Malfoy?" asked Draco cockily. "Who can be such an idiot to threaten me here, after I just dispelled a ghost?"

"And besides, who'd be dumb enough to threaten us up here, with everyone watching?" asked Ron. Indeed, Dumbledore was watching them, and he knew they could see him, even though he couldn't hear them. He did shout out "Go Harry!" but that was it.

"That's a good point," said the voice, but let's be honest, it was Moody, "Luckily, I have outgrown the flair for dramatics that proved my downfall." Wait what. Harry, Ron, and Draco warped somewhere else. The floor had been turned into a Portkey.

Back in the stands, Mad Eye Moody sat down, "I was in the can, what'd I miss?" he asked.

"Uh," Hermione's eyes widened.

"Same here, I was grabbing a hotdog. Where'd everyone go?" asked Schmelvin.

"Hate to add to the growing list of missing people, but where'd Hannah go?" asked Neville. He clicked a button on his robot arm, "She's not showing up on my scouter. Neither is anybody who just vanished! Man, it's too bad I just found out about this function."

"Neville," said Hermione sharply, "Can it tell the destinations of Portkeys? We need to find out where they went!"

"Huh? Probably. Up till now I was just playing Angry Birds on it, but apparently it can do other things."

…

…

…

"Kill the spares," a voice hissed.

"Ugh, we tried that the last time. It didn't work out that well," said the voice from before.

"There are enough of us here," said another voice. "We could deal with them the old-fashioned way."

"Ugh," Harry opened his eyes. "Oh, shit," he was in the graveyard where Tom Riddle Sr. was buried. This was bad. Teddy said he hailed from a future where Harry died right here, this very night. He wondered how this would happen without the Triwizard cup, but unfortunately, the more things change, the more they stay the same. He was bound in place, and he didn't need to be told that so were Ron and Draco.

"Aw, wakey wakey Boy-Who-Lived," said Trevor, who was standing with a different cloaked figure beside him. The cloaked figure had a fetus-Voldemort in his arms. "Surprised to see me?"

"A little, yeah," said Harry.

"You're that Hufflepuff Potter was always hanging out with!" said Draco, who despite his newfound heroicness, still spat the word Hufflepuff as if it poisoned him just through his knowing it.

"Honestly, Draco, how did you get into the House of Slytherin if you lack the cunning to understand my handiwork," said Trevor, "This was the best example of the Alabama Long Con wizardkind has ever seen."

"So, are we not killing the spares?" hissed fetus-Voldemort.

"In due time," said the cloaked figure, "this was a pretty good plan, after all, who cares if we violate a few Evil Overlord rules and gloat about it?"

"Just so we're clear," said Draco, "I understand the plan completely, but, Potter and Weasley, you know, they're not the brightest, so they need the plan explained to them" he was pretty obviously lying, but hey, he just turned good five minutes ago, give him a break.

"Yes, of course," Trevor rolled his eyes, "You wonder why I never told anybody my last name? I only went by Magical Trevor, even in the school records. That's because, if they had seen it, they would see my full name is Magical Trevor Isjustafakename ImreallyvoldemortLOL," he paused, "That Tom Riddle anagram I came up with when I was sixteen was about the best I could do. But I came from the future as well, specifically, the one you had created by going back in the first place."

"My head hurts already," whined Ron. He and Draco were likewise shocked at him mentioning how Harry was from the future.

"In that timeline, you were successful, so Voldemort, right before he was defeated, created a false body, a homunculus, thanks to work published by the then still-alive Professor Snape. It was complex alchemy, to say nothing of the spell that transferred the remnants of his soul into that homunculus- i.e. me. You thought creating Horcruxes was difficult," he laughed, "I doubt Dumbledore himself could recreate that spell. But desperation is sometimes our greatest ally. I disposed of the old Voldemort, and sent myself back in time to, well, here, four years ago. I pretended to know nothing, even temporarily Obliviated myself a few times, so you would suspect nothing. For it was here that I would learn the power that I knew not before, and finally vanquish you."

"The power he knew not? Harry, what's he talking about?" asked Ron.

It was love, Harry thought, but how would he-?

His question was answered before he had to ask it.

"Trevor, dear, do we have visitors? I've baked them a marvelous die," said Luna Lovegood. "A die," she explained, "is a pie. But instead of boysenberry, you use poisonberry," she giggled, "clever, huh?"

"Ah, yes," Trevor grinned, "I trust you all know Luna Lovegood? A fitting name, considering what she taught me, and how I can use it to rule the world forever!"

"Hey, can we get this moving?" asked Fetusmort.

"Indeed. Oh, you can reveal yourself to them too, now," said Trevor to the cloaked man who dumped Fetusmort into the cauldron. The cloaked man nodded, and removed his hood.

"Neo-Voldemort?" Harry gasped, sounding broken at this point. It was the more youthful Voldemort from his future, the same one that took Ron and Hermione and Ginny and his kids. This was all just too much at once…

"I thought something was up- we were watching you, you had done nothing, but I was growing weaker. Then I realized it," he said.

"Ok, this is getting confusing," said Ron, "You're You-Know-Who too?"

"Voldemort, dammit! I'm right in front of you, this is as scared of me as you can possibly be, just say my name!" shouted Neo-Voldemort. Ron was wincing, like the implications of all this had reached him and was shaking him to his core.

"Think of me," said Trevor, "as Voldemort A, who was made in the future by Neo-Voldemort A. In a different timeline, Neo-Voldemort B, the gentleman before you, went back in time to tonight rather than create a homunculus. And Voldemort B is being made as we speak," he cut Harry's hand, and dripped his blood into the cauldron. The bone was added in offscreen.

"Wait, though, you need the sacrifice of a servant!" said Harry, until it dawned on him.

"Luna," Trevor said, and Luna walked over to the cauldron.

"For you, my love!" She said, cutting off her own hand with barely a wince. Trevor smiled evilly, replacing her hand with a robotic one he magiced into existence. She tested it out, her eyes wide with glee. "It's perfect, my lord! Better than Longbottom's!"

"She doesn't sound like that batty Lovegood girl," snarled Draco.

"Much like Dumbledore seems a fool at times, so too did Luna. And she performed remarkably, never breaking character or making anyone suspicious."

"Don't flatter yourself, Trevvy-boy," said Hannah, who walked into view, "Any girl that talks like she read a thesaurus drunk is suspicious to me."

"Ah, yes, the only piece of the puzzle that remains," Trevor dropped his voice, "But, like all pieces, you just have to be put in your place," he fired an Avada Kedavra, wisely choosing her as a target instead of the boys who were bound in place. It didn't matter, though, as she wasn't there where the spell landed. "She's going to disrupt the ceremony!" Neo-Voldemort and Luna drew wands, the reborn Dark Lord creating a shield around the cauldron, which was almost done. Harry and his friends were freed from their bonds.

"Gh!" Harry grunted, "Thanks for freeing us, but how are we going to get out of here?"

"We don't want to leave," said Hannah from…somewhere, "Not yet."

"She's totally barking mad," said Ron, who took cover behind a gravestone.

"Maybe, but if we've got to trust her or those three Voldemorts, that's an easy decision," said Draco. He tried to fire an Avada Kedavra of his own, because being a redeemed Dark Hero means he gets to tap into his evil sometimes. The AK missed, though, so no big deal.

"Gotcha bitch!" shouted Hannah, who fired a spell Harry didn't recognize. It seemed to miss entirely, yet the Voldemorts took it pretty hard, and the cauldron was shaking and bubbling, and even tipped over. A fumbling, half-formed Voldemort came from the cauldron, laboring to breathe. It was eventually clear- the spell was not targeting any of the Dark wizards, but one of the threads holding them together. "An Illusion Charm on your little pet snake," Hannah said, as Nagini's twisted body came back into view, "Clever. Or, cunning, I should say, isn't that what Slytherin used to be about?"

Trevor growled, he recovered from the blow the destruction of the Horcrux quickest, and fired randomly. He stumbled, however, missing his shots.

"Must be tough losing a Horcrux so close," she taunted, "And when we get back, we'll destroy the cup and the ring, and then it's just your poor abused souls preventing you from entering the Afterworld. Although, you all may be just destroyed enough to not even get to go. That will certainly suck, if you're the only guys too lame to go to the after life."

"You won't get back!" cried Neo-Voldemort as he had Luna take care of the weaker, recently revived Voldy. He shot a cluster of spells, but by the time they even got close, all four of them were safely far, far away. "Is that true? What she said?"

"She was bluffing," spat Trevor, "No human knows what happens when you die."

"Father discovered the path to Afterworld," Luna said quietly as she tended to the wounds on Voldemort. "It's always where you least expect it."

Though used to her occasional babbling, Trevor took this as serious, "Is that true?" She nodded. He bit his lip. "Perhaps we will go on a little excursion. I've learned all I could at Hogwarts anyway," he chuckled, "But our brother is in need of assistance. Come Neo, we should aid him," Regular Voldemort looked at them. He knew that if he were in this situation, he would have killed the weaker version of him. He should have known better than to expect mercy from himself, but…

…

…

…

They reappeared as if they had never left, on top of the tower. "Ok, guys, you have to let me win, it's important for stopping the Voldemorts."

"Go ahead mate, I'm still reeling over this," said Ron. He and Draco half-heartedly Stunned each other.

"And Harry wins! Man, it's like he's the main character or something up there," said Dumbledore, who appeared next to him, with the prizes. "Here they are, one television set, one Aha music video, one ring, and one cup."

"Set those last two on the ground," Harry said, and Dumbledore did. Harry stabbed them with the sword, and both exploded into black ink. Panting, he looked at the Headmaster, "Sir," he said, "We've got a LOT to talk to you about."

…

"And this is all true?" Dumbledore asked after a very long pause with his eyes closed. He had been quiet so long they thought the shock of the news had killed him. "Twice now, the Dark Lord has been through these halls. I can barely call myself a proper Headmaster."

"Uh, sir," Harry said hopefully, "Seeing as this is the Shit Gets Real chapter, maybe you could end it with something a bit lighter? I mean, might I remind you that at this point in chapter three Lupin was getting McGonagall to kiss his naked butt?"

"That's true. I suppose telling you Moody got fired because he was stealing Professor Flitwick's clothes in order to put them on himself and pretend he was the Incredible Hulk wouldn't be enough?"

Draco snickered, but that was it. "Eh, not light enough. Maybe if you…" Harry raised an eyebrow.

"Fine," Dumbledore sighed, "Look at your hands, now back to me, I'm the wizard that your wizard could be like. Back at your hands, it's tickets, to that thing you love," tickets were indeed in their hands, each one said something different upon it, "back to me, back to your hands, the tickets are diamonds," and so they were.

…

"Hey!" Harry said as they left the tower to Hannah, "I almost forgot to thank you for saving our butts back there."

"Oh, no problem," she said.

"No problem! You faced down two and a half Dark Lords, and you taunted them!" Ron said.

"Yeah," said Draco, "And you seemed like you knew what they were going to do. Are you from the future too? Be straight with us."

"Oh, heavens no," she said, curtseying, "I'm just a simple Hufflepuff girl, with more luck than common sense."

"Hannah," Harry said, "What are you?"

To his surprise, she was up close to him in no time at all. She kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Wouldn't you like to know?" she said in a sing-song voice, then she left.

They stood around, not quite sure what was going on. "Anyone else get a boner when she kissed him?" asked Draco.

…

In a mysterious corner of the countryside, their deed was finished. "Lord Mechamort," said Trevor, "Riiiiiise."

Mechamort was the half-formed Voldemort of this timeline supported by machinery. "My wand," he said drunkenly, "where is it?"

"It seems in your rage," said Trevor softly, "You killed it."

"NooooooooooOOOOOOOooooo!" cried Mechamort.

"So, uh, what do we do now?" asked Neo-Voldemort.

"We are at an advantage, believe it or not," explained Trevor, "They may have destroyed all our Horcruxes, but the three of us combined are more powerful than they can imagine. And with Luna as our Dark Queen, we are unbeatable when she unlocks the secret of Afterworld."

"You guys are forgetting one thing," said someone. It was Schmelvin Mitchellstork. "You aren't getting anywhere if I can help it."

"Some First Year thinks they can stand against the Voldemort Alliance?" laughed Mechamort. "I'll handle this."

"Heh, you think Harry Potter was the only one whose parents loved him?" it was Schmelvin's turn to laugh. He spread his arms out wide. "Whichever one of you wants to take the first shot, be my guest." They would have simply destroyed him, but… "Foolish Voldemorts!" He cried, "I am Schmelvin Mitchellstork! THE MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER IN THIS WHOLE STORY! Thunder crashed.

R.I.P SCHMELVIN MITCHELLSTORK

Born Early in this Chapter

Died Just Now

"peperony and chease"

NEXT TIME: Wow, I really should have quit while I was ahead when trying to end this on a lighthearted note. Luckily, though, like Goblet of Fire was sort of the Shit Gets Real book of the series and then Order of the Phoenix went back to school bullshit, pretty much the same thing will happen in the next chapter! Will I fulfill this promise of having a breather chapter? Will Dolores Umbridge also get fired because she made McGonagall kiss her naked butt? Will I continue to excise characters like Hagrid and Sirius because I feel like writing scenes filled with jokes only I would get much better? Hell, here's a real question, will I actually end that chapter on a lighter note? Find out next time, on Harry Potter and the Time Travel Related Pun!

…

Harry felt uneasy on the train ride home. But tradition was tradition. Events of Year Four received a checkmark, even if he didn't really feel like he deserved a check for his performance. Onto the Horcruxes. He crossed out the snake, the ring, the cup, and the locket. Looking at things like that, it was a busy year. But he added crude drawings of another Voldemort and a half, and Trevor. So all the progress he had made was almost undone by that. He sighed, and on the back of the paper, he wrote "Additional goals- find out who or what Hannah is, save Luna," he paused, and added, "beat Oregon Trail."


	5. Year Five 500 Days of Filler

The New Order of the Phoenix were huddled in their meeting room- which was Harry's room at his house. "I don't like this," said Teddy Tonks, "We have no idea who she is or what she's capable of."

"She's against the Voldemorts, that's all we need to know," said the Dumbledore Painting.

"My doppelganger is correct," said Dumbledore, "We need to take every ally we can. One Dark Lord nearly took over all of Britain. The three of them joined forces could nearly take over all of three Britains. Say," he said to the painting, "What exactly is our relationship? Like, when I get older, you age but I don't, or, what, exactly?"

"Me, you're going to learn very quick that I often answer questions with a shrug of my shoulders, and it's going to get really frustrating for you really quick."

"Really? See, I always answer questions with circuitous language and half-truths."

"Guys," said Harry, "we can talk about this later. The more important questions are A) what are we going to do? And B) seriously guys, what are we going to do?" He took a breath, and calmed down, "Anyways, I think we can trust Hannah for now. If she were trying to screw us over, she would have done something by now."

"Just like how Trevor spent four years being your new best pal, only to end up being Voldemort?" Teddy rolled his eyes. Harry grunted angrily, but he had to admit it was a good point. "How do we know she isn't an even more powerful Dark Witch, who's just using the situation to build support?" Seeing the skeptical looks of the others, he continued, "I don't want to say she sent her soul back in time, but let's be honest, here, Harry and Voldemort both did that. I mean, once you've taken that leap, you can't un-take it. Suppose she comes from a different future, one we can't possibly comprehend. By then, magic is feared, it has survived but is only practiced by witches, and special knights are created to destroy the Sorceresses. Hannah, the Ultimate Sorceress, figures the only way to win this war is to compress time."

"Where are you going with this?" asked Draco. He and Ron, present at the night of Voldemorts' revivals, were allowed to join as well. Hermione was in the Order, but as a support role- when they were on the battlefield and needed to save, they would call her frequency. Neville was offered a role, but turned it down, on account of the sore spot of his parents and everything. This only served to make him more tragic and mysterious, so they wanted to have him join so much more than if he had volunteered.

"I forget. But anyway, the only way to defeat her, is to get ourselves really injured, then we use an item called Holy War to make ourselves invincible and we spam Limit Breaks. Ok, not the only way, but the cheapest. Now, let's start refining cards!"

"That's…assuming an awful lot. Whatever happened to Occam's Razor?" asked Harry.

"I think he left it at my place," said Dumbledore.

"No, I mean, the easiest solution is probably the correct one. She's just an unusually powerful young witch with a strong sense of justice, who didn't want to see her friends die."

"Yup," said Hannah confidently, "That's me to a tee."

"…HOW DID YOU GET IN MY HOUSE!"

HARRY POTTER AND THE TIME TRAVEL RELATED PUN CHAPTER FIVE: SHIT GETS EVEN REALER

"I understand if you all have some questions," she nodded, "and so long as you all recognize that I have the right to not answer if I so choose, I will gladly let you ask me as many as you want."

All eyes turned on Harry. As far as anyone, he probably had the most to gain from asking her anything. He decided not to waste this rare opportunity. "Wasn't this supposed to be a breather chapter?"

She grinned.

HARRY POTTER AND THE TIME TRAVEL RELATED PUN CHAPTER FIVE (for real this time): 500 DAYS OF FILLER

"Wait," said Dumbledore, "Now we can't do anything to progress the plot? We just have to do filler because you want to?"

"Of course not," she said, "Because Harry wants to."

"So, what does this mean for me?" Harry asked.

"For your whole fifth year, none of the Voldemorts will be able to push their plans along. However," she said carefully to make sure Harry got this part, "should you work on a plan against them, this will become void and they will be able to act. So you must tread carefully, Harry Potter."

"I'm ok with this. Order of the Phoenix was pretty filler until the end when Sirius died anyway," said Harry.

"Dude! Spoiler warning!" said Ron.

"It's not going to happen this time," Harry said through grit teeth.

"Oh. Carry on then."

"All right then," said Dumbledore, who eyed the witch carefully with his blue shining ocular orbs of vision. He suddenly had the answer, and knew everything about her, but he didn't say because Dumbledore is kind of a dick sometimes. "So we need to kill time, essentially, and run down the clock for another year. In the meantime, I would suggest that all of you befriend someone from Ravenclaw. Hint, hint," he winked.

"How does that help?" asked Draco.

"Slytherin," Dumbledore pointed at him, "Gryffindor," he pointed at Ron, "Hufflepuff," at Harry, "There's one missing."

"I've got it!" Teddy stood up, as I guess he was sitting before, "I'll go into the past and make Hermione go into Ravenclaw!"

"Teddy, what was messing with the past got us?" asked Ron, who added, "Seriously, bro, fill me in here, I'm still reeling from all of this."

"It's risky," he admitted, "especially because I can only travel through time when I'm absolutely shitfaced drunk. And when a drunk, screaming naked guy barges into the Granger household demanding she go into Ravenclaw, that probably won't end well."

"Why will you be naked, exactly?" asked Hermione, who had appeared in the room the second people started talking about changing her destiny.

"Look, when I get drunk, I get like, crazy-hot. So I usually take my clothes off. I'm just saying this so we can plan around it."

"Harry I do not like this idea," said Hermione. The unseen audience broke into uproarious laughter, as this was practically her catchphrase. Sure it didn't feature much in this story, but to her credit, neither did Hermione herself.

"Well, we've all got a lot to think about," said Dumbledore, "However, everyone except for Hannah and myself need to leave this room immediately."

"But it's my room!" Harry whined. Oh great, is he going to whine throughout all of this year five too?

"Out," said Dumbledore. The Dumbledore Painting stayed behind, "You too, easel-boy."

"Aww," the painting groaned, and Teddy carried him out of the room.

"Now, as for you, Miss Spirit of Hogwarts," said Dumbledore.

"Wait, is that true?" asked Harry.

"What? I thought you all left?"

"No, you just told us to leave," said Draco, "Like, two seconds ago. You have to give us some time. I mean, I, the Great Draco Malfoy, can Apparate despite my young age, but, you know, plebians like Weasley have to walk."

"Well, since he just ruined the only plot twist of this chapter, you guys might as well stick around and let me explain," said Hannah, "Yeppers, I'm Hogwarts."

"I have a question," said Ron, who took a deep, thoughtful pause, "What?"

"It's simple. The grounds of Hogwarts are loaded with old magic. I should know, because I am some of that magic, given human form. Sometimes I like to pretend to be a student and go through classes, and I usually just mess with people. Then, in my seventh year, I fake my death and then judge my class based on how good their memorial slideshow of me is."

"Well, that explains at least one thing," Harry nodded as if he had just said something very wise. "But why did you show up in this timeline, and not in the other?"

"I totally did, though. Not my fault that unless something happened in Gryffindor you pay no attention to it."

"…Good point," said Harry.

"Wait, you were in Gryffindor the first time through?" asked Ron.

"Yeah."

"Then how come you didn't go through it again this time?"

"Look, this whole story started off based on a stupid gag about how it's really popular for fanfics to do what-if storylines about me getting Sorted into different Houses, and no one ever did Hufflepuff because it's the joke house. So there'd be things about me going into Slytherin and battling my dark side, and that one story where I'm a rationalist and talk to all of my teachers who have become Strawmen about how being a super-smug eleven year old is just the tops I went into Ravenclaw. And there was that one story where I go back in time only I decide, screw it, going through Gryffindor was fun enough the first time let's do it again! It's nothing against you, Ron and Hermione."

"I also have a question for the Spirit of Hogwarts," Hermione began, "…Is _Hogwarts: A History_ accurate?"

"Eh," said Hannah, making a dismissive, "sort of" gesture with her hand.

"And another thing," said Teddy, "How come you decided to just sort of chill out and let Harry do most everything around here?"

"You should know the answer to that," she said, "You see, the short form of this is, I am not the Hero, Harry is. We secondary characters are given an accumulation of points we can use to bail him out, but if we use too many of them, we die."

"Sweet Wizard Jesus," Harry gasped. "In the first timeline, Dumbledore A must have used up his points when he showed me about Horcruxes. Sirius, too, considering that just being a father figure to me at all marks you for death. So you were waiting to play your hand, in case something bad happened and you needed to save me?"

"Yeah. The thing is, nobody knows how many points they have, and you can lose them for the most arbitrary reasons." Just for explaining this, she probably lost about a million bajillion points. Lucky for her these things scale worse than JRPGs these days so she still had about a googolplex and a half to go.

"So, in chapter seven we're all going to start dropping like flies, eh?" said Draco, faking a yawn, "Boy, I'm tired. Wake me when it's the epilogue."

"Come on, now," said Dumbledore, "We don't have to stop helping Harry just because it might lead to our gruesome, painful death. Anyways, you'll all be safe this year. I have hired only the best Defense Teacher to aid you in your sixth year at Hogwarts."

"Sir, it's only my fifth year."

Dumbledore shut his eyes, counting to himself. "Shit. That means it's Umbridge." Harry was about to protest, but he did not relent, "Some things never change, Harry."

…

"Is this really the place?" Mechamort asked, a metallic rasp in his voice. Death Valley. It was hardly a suitable location for one of the most powerful Dark Wizards to stand, let alone three of them. Death Valley had held that name for a long time, even before people were aware of magic, they knew that the place was filled with the illest of omens. And I don't mean illest like what a hypothetical '90's rapper might say. Speaking of '90's music, there was this band called Better than Ezra. I like to imagine that they called themselves that because there was a local band just called Ezra that the lead guitarist of Better than Ezra used to be in. They kicked him out, and then he was all, "So what, I'm gonna make my own band!" and so he called his new group Better than Ezra, and then they wrote that song "Good", which in typical '90's fashion, has borderline incomprehensible lyrics. Look, I warned you this chapter was going to be filler.

"Did anyone else just think about Better than Ezra for a bizarrely long amount of time?" asked Neomort.

"Well, I started by thinking about Death Valley, but yeah, sorta transitioned into college rock with the barest minimum of a segue," snarled Trevormort. You know, segue is one of those words that never looks like it's spelled ri- "GAH!" He shouted, "Sorry, felt another tangent coming on. Are you sure this is the place, beloved?"

Luna, her skin paler than normal and a red glow to her eyes, nodded. "The ancient people knew such a place existed somewhere on the planet, even if they did not know where, exactly. This," she gestured grandly in front of the unforgiving wasteland, "is the gateway to the Afterworld!"

"Luna, honey," Trevormort said, "You said that the gateway was put in the last place anyone would suspect. Given the name, Death Valley would be the first place you'd suspect."

"Is it? No," she shook her head, studying a nearby rock, "Too obvious. No one would seriously expect it. Even I'm having doubts, honestly, but Father spent the best years of his life searching for the place. He wanted to find a way to escape with Mother, to bring her back to the world of the living. Evidently he missed the moral of his beloved tale of the Hallows."

"Hall-what-now?" asked Mechamort.

"The Hallows," Trevormort explained gravely, "ensued Potter's victory over us the first time through. We would have surely been lost, if not for the efforts of the most devoted Madame Lestrange," he paused, "That reminds me, what of our old followers? With our efforts devoted to ghost-hunting and Wormtail incarcerated, we should regain our allies."

"In due time," Neomort said, "I want to first make sure this is truly no fairytale. If Afterworld truly has a physical gateway located here on Phyxlgraph" (Author's Note: Wizards call Earth Phyxlgraph. Not because it's the planet's true name or some shit like that, they just figure they should call it something different than what Muggles do because they have to reassert how soopar speshul they are by being wizards) "then we can do the unthinkable. We shall literally conquer Death by going into his house and punching him in the dick, and live forever as unkillable god-kings!" They all joined in an evil laugh.

"Unless I betray you first," thought Mechamort.

"Unless I betray you first," thought Neomort.

"Unless I betray you first," thought Trevormort.

"You know I wish I had Jesse's girl! Dun-na na nanana," thought Luna, as she swayed and tapped her toe to the silent beat.

…

Harry shuddered, "Hannah, you're sure your Stall for Time spell worked? Like, really worked? Because I just got the feeling the Voldemorts are doing stuff. Weird stuff."

"We might have accidentally progressed the plot. I don't know. I'll check later," she shrugged.

"Later? Why can't you do it now!"

"Because I'm busy answering some weinerkid's every waking question! Seriously, it's all, Hannah, use your poorly defined powers to tell me if Trevormort's doing anything or if he's still taking a dump! And, Hannah, what does water smell like? And, Hannah, what if oxygen makes our voices deeper and our voices on helium is how we really sound? And friggin' Weasley and his, Hannah, your name rhymes with Banana!" She glared at Ron.

"It totally does, though!" He protested.

"So, you chose your name, right?" Draco asked, "So why did you choose to be a Weasley, a family with a history of gingerness and obesity, when you could have been part of the glorious Malfoy line, a line filled with sexy cousins and legendary sycophantry?"

She rolled her eyes, "Ok, the next person to ask a stupid question just because I may know the answer to it has to spend an hour of non-sexual tickling with Hagrid."

"Can you really do that?" asked Draco, who suddenly realized, "Oh, shit!" He was suddenly in Hagrid's cabin. "Uh oh, I've read a lot of Dragrid stories that started out this exact way."

"Aroo?" Fang whined an inquisitive sounding whine.

"Wait, I don't mean I read them, I just, shut up! You're a dog!"

Back with the others, Dumbledore had done his SO WACKY thing where he recites Chuck Norris jokes instead of giving a speech. I know, I know, I can hear you groaning from here, but keep in mind that in 1995 these jokes were hip, or they would be if they existed. Actually I don't think humanity would have reached levels of irony needed to appreciate those jokes by '95. But then, what happened next was so bizarre that luckily Lee Jordan and either Fred or George were giving ringside commentary.

"Another great speech from D-Man, wouldn't you agree?" said the Weasley twin.

"Pop pop! I agree, even if I don't get why jokes about the dude from Walker Texas Ranger is so great are supposed to be funny. But anyway, Big D is rapping up his speech and, BAH GOD! Defense Against the Dark Arts professor Delores Umbridge has taken the stage!"

"Yes, it started off with a simple introduction by Dummerdaw hisself, but she has taken the stage and the magic mic from him!"

"Bah God, ref, stop the match! Bah God!"

Umbridge held the mic to her mouth, "Your dear headmaster told me to come in and clean this place up, and I can see why! This school is the biggest loser-factory in the world!" The students booed. "The only jobs open to a Hogwarts graduate are government drone and Dark Wizard! And your Quidditch teams are the worst!" She removed her pink blazer, revealing a jersey for the Durmstrang Wildcats, while the students booed. But she reveled in their jeers, putting a hand to her ear as if she couldn't hear them.

"Bah God, Umbridgmania will not be sweeping through the halls of Hogwarts tonight! But, what's that? Harry Potter! THE REIGNING WORLD CHAMP, THE BOY WHO LIVED, HARRY FRIGGINDEE POTTER IS TAKING THE STAGE TOO!" Lee Jordan shouted into his mic.

Harry took the stage to thunderous cheers from most of the school, but there was a smattering of "Potter sucks" chants from within the crowd as well. Harry acted like they were all cheering, though, because any attention is good attention. Umbridge looked derisively at him, but he took the mic. "Look DelorASS DUMBridge, you can't stop here, this is Potter Country, baby! Headmaster Dumbledore may have allowed you to stay here and teach, but you're crazy if you think we're gonna let you run slipshod all over us!"

"What are you saying, Potter?"

"I think you all know what I'm saying!"

"Did you hear that, Fred/George? Harry Potter has just challenged Professor Umbridge to a Despite All My Rage, I Am Still Just a Rat in a Cage match! Hogwarts hasn't seen one of those since the day when Harry's pappy, good old "Jimmy James" Potter and his Marauders challenged Severus "Poopbutt" Snape and his pals the Invisi-Goths to one way back in '72!" I'm assuming this is when Harry's dad went to Hogwarts. Again, if you cared about accuracy you'd be long gone by now. And hey, maybe it'll be like the thing with that one Patil twin where I ended up being right. And cursory check of the internet- YES! Suck it! He would've been a Second Year, but that's pretty legit. I swear I'm not looking these up in advance to make myself look…well, not smarter, but a better retainer of useless facts.

"The rules, for everyone at home and those of you traveling, allow for equal teams made up of between one and four challengers. It's a Luchador-style tag match, and while wands are allowed, they only released into the arena after the first round, where they are attached to the Official Hogwarts Bear. After getting your wand from the bear, you are free to fight with it."

"And despite the name, it's not a cage match," added Lee, "The powers that be decided that a single paragraph's derail about nineties music was not nearly enough."

"Great song, though," said Fred or George.

"Right you are, Fred/George."

"You know," said Slytherin student Jonathan Statler, "these guys aren't half-bad as ringside announcers."

"Yeah, they've gone and made it all the way bad!" said Waldorf Hightides.

"Dohohohohohoho!" They both laughed.

"I accept your challenge!" said Umbridge, to the collective gasp of the students, "And when I win, your happy ass is getting transferred to Pigbutts! That means no more of your beloved Bacon Thursdays!"

"Ok, I agree," said Harry, "But when MY TEAM wins, you have to force Professor McGonagall to kiss your naked butt!"

"Oh goddammit people!" McGonagall threw her hands up.

"Fair enough," Umbridge offered a hand, but when Harry reached to shake it, she pulled it back and ran it through her hair, prompting more boos from the crowd. She went back to her seat, making a mental note that whatever she did, she would prevent him from taking part in the match. According to the rules I just came up with, this would mean Harry lost and he'd be on a one-way ticket to having a Kosher meal the rest of his life, while Piggledeedees would capture him, Ron and Hermione and label them with a 1, 2, and 4 so that Headmaster Dumbleboar would spend ages searching for human number 3. "Professor Snape, I trust you will help me in making sure Potter fails to attend the match?"

"Nah, me and him are pretty cool since he told me he thought that if anybody his dad was the poopbutt between me and him."

"Really? Because someone told me he actually thinks his dad was a pretty cool guy, he just told you that because he wanted you off his back for a few years."

Something in his mind told Snape to trust her word, but yet, "I don't believe you."

"Really? Maybe I'll just tell my source to drop by, and tell you exactly what Harry Potter really thinks of you."

WHO IS UMBRIDGE'S MYSTERIOUS SOURCE? WILL HARRY FIND A RAVENCLAW STUDENT TO JOIN HIM IN UNITING ALL FOUR HOUSES? WILL THE VOLDEMORTS REENACT ANY GIVEN CASTLEVANIA GAME AND KILL THE GRIM REAPER? FIND OUT IN CHAPTER FIVE…JUST SLIGHTLY LATER ON.

…

Harry slept off a long day of interviewing potential friends from Ravenclaw. This was going pretty poorly, because the only people he knew from Ravenclaw were Cho Chang and Luna, and unbeknownst to him but Luna was off in the American southwest farting around with the Voldemorts. Hey, Luna and the Voldemorts would make the worst Harry Potter band name ever! And anyway, Cho was not very receptive to joining them because Ron had tried for a while to get with her, if I'm remembering my own story correctly. He thought about recruiting Ginny, but remembered she went to Slytherin, even though that subplot just sort of petered out with no real payoff. Oh, speaking of payoff…

"Time to die, Potter!" said Humphrey Boggart, taking the form of what everyone in Hogwarts was most truly afraid of- the Headmaster's sex life. He looked like Dumbledore, except he was completely naked except for a pair of underpants so uncomfortably tight that it would have almost been better if he were really naked.

"Ridikkulus!" shouted Draco, who busted into the room. Humphrey Boggart hissed as his form was forcibly changed into what Draco finds the funniest- the working poor. "HA! My father makes more money scratching his ass than you'll make in the next year!"

"Curse you Malfoy!" the boggart hissed and exploded. Its yellow power ring faded, because the gag of him being a Yellow Lantern was what also made it so that I pretty much had to use him again.

"Draco, you saved my life!" Harry said.

"Yeah, I know, I probably drained like fifty character points saving you there," more like a trillion, but remember, there's no upper limit on these things, "Still, the dashing Draco Malfoy whose farts smell of freshly baked cookies has been charged with making sure you survive to battle with Umbridge, so I shall see to it that you do."

"Umbridge? Why not the battle with Voldemort…s?"

"One chapter at a time," Draco said. "You're lucky I was here at all. I had a few questions for Lady Hogwarts. She agreed to answer some of them without whisking me away to Hagrid's hut if I did it when she allowed, which turned out to be tonight at 3:17 a.m."

"Lucky for me indeed," said Harry. He went back to sleep as if his life was not just nearly ended by a horrible creature with a terrible pun for a name.

…

The next day was Potions class for the Hufflepuffs, and Harry had to admit it was a shame that things had changed. Obviously, it sucked hardcore that one of his new buddies ended up being Voldemort, even if in hindsight it made no sense, almost as if this run of his life had no prior planning done and was just written out by the cosmos completely on the fly in between actual writing that the cosmos took slightly more seriously. And then his other new friend, after outing herself as the school spirit given human form, really blew off her classes. So Harry sat by himself in the potions dungeon, thankful that at least things hadn't gone south with Snape. And cue…

"Potter! Where's your Potions partner?" Snape barked.

"Trevor transferred to the school of being Voldemort, and Hannah…well, I'm not really sure if I can say why she's not here."

"The Headmaster informed me of certain allowances we are to give her. You, however, are to be treated as any other student. So pair up with a partner or I'll have you out of here so fast your head will spin."

"Ok, jeez," Harry said, "Where'd all this come from, Professor?"

"I heard what you said about me," Snape hissed.

Harry gasped. This was pretty bad. Also what was pretty bad was that the only person who didn't have a partner already was Scott Bigglesby, who was just the worst. "Hi Harry," said Scott Bigglesby, breathing through his mouth.

"Shut up Scott," Harry sighed and pulled out his Potions book. Someone had let it slip to Snape. But who had Harry told? Trevor and Hannah, for one. And Ron. And Hermione. And Neville. And half the school during Year Three's Karaoke Competition, but Harry noticed Snape's absence during that. And he had written an anonymous letter to the Daily Prophet calling himself Concerned at Hogwarts about how Snape was a major creep.

"Harry. Hey Harry. Harry. Hey. Hey. Hey. Harry," said Scott Bigglesby.

"What?"

"Can I borrow some wolfsbane extract?"

Harry sighed and gave him some. "POTTER!" Snape jumped up. "Were you giving your partner material?"

"Uh, yeah?"

"A hundred points from Hufflepuff!" Snape bellowed, as if this was still Year One and anyone actually gave a fart about house points. "And I want you to give me a twenty page essay about how everyone must be prepared for class, and if they aren't, you should not help them!"

"Oh, come on! Why are you singling me out? I mean, Henry Finkledink is peeing into his cauldron!" Harry hated to snitch on a fellow student, but this was pretty Chronicles of Riddick-ulous. Finkledink was indeed urinating into his potion mixture, turning and giving a happy thumbs-up to his classmates.

"Yeah, but he discussed it with me, and he really has to pee. And, snitching, really, Potter? An additional essay, about how snitches get stitches, but I want this one set to the exact timing and meter of one of David Bowie's songs. And not Space Oddity, you better give me a deep track if you want higher than a D this year."

Harry resigned to his fate, focusing his thoughts on who could have spilled the beans.

"Resigning to your fate? Potter, here at Hogwarts we never learn to pick our battles!" Snape roared.

"OH COME ON!" Harry shouted.

…

Harry sat unhappily in Umbridge's office. Snape had sent him here in lieu of the headmaster's office, which at least cleared things up a bit. Somehow Umbridge had learned that Harry called Snape a greasy stalker butthorn, and informed him. "Headmaster Dumbledore has appointed me to be in charge of student discipline," she explained as she poured him some tea.

"Isn't that a conflict of interest, given our situation?" Harry asked.

"Ha!" She laughed, pouring herself some tea, "I am willing to let our issues with each other begin and end with the wrestling match. If you can't keep this separate, that's your problem entirely. That being said, your outburst in Snape's class was inexcusable, as was incriminating another student just because he felt the call of nature during a lesson. So I hereby place you on Double Secret Probation, an idea that I came up with and certainly did not steal from _Animal House_. One more screw-up from you, and you'll be expelled from Hogwarts," she grinned as she saw the anger on his face, "Oh, don't worry. I hear Pigbutts Academy for Gifted Youngsters Who Are Pigs has lovely weather this time of year."

"So that's it. You're trying to get rid of me, because you know I can beat you!"

"I highly doubt you'll be able to beat my team. I trust we are going with a four-man rumble, correct? As my team is already made."

He was going to ask who her team was, but it's not like she would tell him anyway. "Fine," he agreed, he just needed to recruit a Ravenclaw, then like Dumbledore said all his problems would be solved forever. He had come pretty close with asking Padma Patil, but when he told her this would make her more of a major character, she immediately threw up from the stress of possibly having more lines, so that wouldn't work.

"Good. Now run along, Potter, and I better not see you in here again."

He went to Dumbledore's office. He wanted to make sure she didn't actually have the power to expel him. Rather than give the gargoyle a password, Harry just stared it down until it moved aside. "Dumbledore, sir," he said, "Does Umbridge really have full disciplinary powers?"

"Of course not, that's riduckulous," said Dumbledore, "I would have to give my stamp of approval to a special form allowing that, and the only thing I've stamped recently was this form that would allow teachers to just really phone it in if they're hungover," he gave Harry said form. "So don't worry about-"

"What's this other form stapled to this one, then?" Harry asked.

"Oh dear," Dumbledore sighed, "I only ever read the first page of anything. If it can't hook me by the bottom of the page, I'll either throw it in the trash or stamp it. I'm almost afraid to ask, what does that page say?"

"Delores Umbridge is to be given emergency disciplinary powers, because I, Albus (Long String of Goofy Middle Names) Dumbledore am a big dumb idiot with bits of food stuck in his beard," Harry read. Dumbledore stared silently while he grabbed a bit of roast beef that got lost along the way from his plate to his mouth.

"Well," Dumbledore said, "Luckily, I can veto any of the rash decisions she might make-"

"And also, I, Dumbledore, currently in sound mind and health, regret to write that immediately after stamping this that will no longer be the case. I will be mentally incompetent, so Delores Umbridge will oversee any final decisions," Harry continued.

Dumbledore snapped his fingers. "I've got it. SUMMON THE ORDER!"

…

The New Order of the Phoenix had gathered in Dumbledore's bedroom. The headmaster's eyes twinkled because that is the only action they are capable of taking, and he said, "Gentlemen," he said, "and lady," he said to Hermione, "and lady who is actually the school itself," he said to Draco, because he was not wearing his glasses and everyone kind of looked like blurs to him, "We need to get Professor Umbridge laid."

Everyone immediately called "Not it".

Dumbledore took a long pause, as if this was not the response he had been expecting. "Fair enough," he said. "Unless anyone has a better idea of how to deal with this problem, I suggest we go back to uniting members of the different Houses. What progress have you made there?"

"Ugh," answered Harry.

"You just…you know, Harry, I don't want to suggest that I could do better, but if I sent my soul back in time to fix everything, I would, you know, actually fix things. I wouldn't waste all of my time befriending Hogwarts and Voldemort, only to suddenly realize oh crap, I forgot to do anything I planned to do. Like, do you want things to happen the same way they did the first time? I mean, you said something about Bellatrix Lestrange finding some kind of amulet? Have you even done anything about that?"

"Well, that was something she did later on, she didn't even learn about it until after she came back to life. At least her and Neville actually got to fight each other this time, which was neat because it put a nice cap on his character arc. But anyway, she's still safely in prison."

The nearby television suddenly had a breaking news report, which shocked everyone because of the numerous things wrong with this idea. But this is way more dramatic and convenient for them to learn this now instead of two weeks later when the Daily Prophet stops talking about celebrity babies and does some real reporting for once. "This just in," said Wizard Equivalent Brian Williams, "Numerous former Death Eaters have escaped from Azkaban Prison, leading many to question, seriously? Our spooky ghost-patrolled prison in the middle of the English Channel can't keep a couple of middle-aged Brits from escaping."

"Welp," Harry threw his hands up. "Now I gotta deal with this shit."

"We could send out a team to deal with them now," said the Dumbledore Painting, "Teddy, myself, and Hannah could move now and recapture them."

"Uhhhhhhh," Hannah began.

"What?"

"If I stray too far from the Hogwarts grounds, I weaken considerably."

"Now hold on a tic," said Ron, "You helped us last year, and that was in some graveyard, it wasn't on school grounds."

"Yes, and maybe you remember how I was in a huge hurry to kill the snake and get out of there instead of sticking around and finishing off a Voldemort or two? If I was stuck in an extended battle out there, I'd run out of the magic that keeps me existing and then you three would be feeding the worms right now."

"Maybe Potter and Weasley would, but I, the grand and fantastic Mr. Malfoy, whose penis women have assured me is not as small as they were expecting, would live up to my family name and curry favor with the Dark Lord," Draco said confidently.

"That's not how I remember it," said Hannah. Draco did not answer.

"I can handle Bellatrix," said Teddy.

"I might be able to finagle some support for you from the Old Order," Dumbledore said, "As long as you don't tell them who you are. Knowing Cornelius Fudge, he's either dodging the issue or sending out a crack team of Aurors right now." Ok, I was going to do a thing where Fudge was questioning Dumbledore's birth certificate, but, damn if that's not a dated joke. And this is coming from someone who made two different references to '90's music. So yeah, Fudge is pretty legit in this universe, I guess. Way to go, Fudgey, it's taken you only fifty-thousand fanfics, but you're finally being given what could be construed as a positive light. "Ok, I guess Fudge is taking care of business, so we only need to step in if they screw this up."

"Also given the like crazy amount of subplots, I get the feeling at least one of these will be resolved anti-climactically, so hopefully it'll be this one," Harry said. "Oh, by the way, anybody know who told Umbridge that I don't care much for Snape?"

The room grew quiet. "Oh, dear," said Dumbledore.

"What does that mean? What's happening?"

"There's only one person who could have told her, Harry," said Hermione, "And I'm afraid, you're not going to like the answer."

"So, in typical Dumbledore fashion, we're not going to tell you," said the Dumbledore Painting, "And if any of you at home think you've figured it out: LIAR! This plot comes completely out of nowhere!"

"It's probably best if you not worry about that right now," said Hannah, "You've got a lot on your plate."

"Yeah!" said Draco, "Hey, when Harry leaves, we should all discuss who this mysterious person is amongst ourselves, the people who do totally know, am I right?"

"Anyways, Harry, getting back to business," said Dumbledore, "I may have the answer to our House problem," he hit the button on his intercom, "Gargoyle, please send up Miss Weasley."

"She's already there," came the gargoyle's voice.

"I meant the other one," Dumbledore sighed.

"So did I," said the gargoyle as Ginny entered the office. She looked around the room, increasingly confused, when Dumbledore launched into the biggest bullshit brigade of his career.

"So, when we Sorted you, the Hat was going through a rough spot. Broke up with its hat girlfriend, I believe, but the point is, you may have been Sorted incorrectly."

"What? How could it read me incorrectly?" Ginny asked. She was not dressed in the normal Hogwarts uniform but instead was wearing all black-clothes and she appeared to have an eyebrow piercing. Oh God, it's _My Immortal_ all over again! "My life up til now has been a lie?" She shuddered, "Slytherin is all I know, boss."

"Well, uh, you were supposed to be put into Ravenclaw, and-"

"Those nerds! Impossible! I'm a bully, not a nerd!" She started sobbing uncontrollably, "Potter," she sniffed, "Potter, give me your lunch money." He did, but she saw the look on his face. "Don't pity me! Don't you dare pity me! Fear me, dammit!" She broke down crying. "How can you let them do this, boss? You typecast us the first day we walk in here, you put the nerds with the nerds, the bullies with the bullies, well what do you expect to happen! That may have been who I was back then, warden, but today? I'm Slytherin to my very core." She regained her composure and silently left the office.

The shocked silence was finally broken by Dumbledore. "Welp, that was my idea."

…

"I can't believe it!" said Lee Jordan, "Could it really be so? Are we out of content already? Because here we are, at the Despite All My Rage I am Still Just a Rat in a Cage Match between Harry Potter and his team versus Delores Umbridge and hers! With me as always is either Fred or George, I never figured out which one and by now it's too embarrassing to actually ask them. How are you doing tonight?"

"I'm doing great, Lee," replied the Weasley twin. "And we've got a real slobberknocker tonight between these two titans of the school wrestling circuit. Harry Potter, personal friend, by the way, is son of Dirrty Jimmy James Potter, Seven Time Gryffindor Champ and Three Time All School Champ. If he's half the brawler his pappy was, we've already got our match of the year."

"Right you are, Fred/George. If you're a fan of watching fifteen year olds fight middle-aged women, this may very well be the best night of your entire life! It's teams of four, and due to the rules of this match, only the captains of each team needs to be revealed, and those are Potter and Umbridge."

"One could easily guess the identities of Harry's crew, but the real question is who has Umbridge swayed to her side with siren song?"

"Siren song implies she's hot, Freddie or Georgie."

"Well that was not intended. She's not a looker, that Delores."

"AND HEEEEEEEERE COMES POTTER!" Harry leapt into the ring, wearing a black Luchador mask with yellow lightning bolts on it. "Listen to that crowd reaction! They love him down there, even Slytherin, even if they're not willing to admit it."

"They've all had classes with Delores. They know how she rolls, and they don't like it. A victory from Potter would mean no more of her oppressive rules, like making wearing pants mandatory in the classroom, no matter how tired you are."

"And in the other corner, it's mean old Dolly Umbridge herself!" She had on a ridorkulous pink leotard and cat mask. There were boos throughout the crowd, but she looked to be energized by their dislike for her. "Now, Luchador rules means that they do not have to necessarily tag their partner in order to tag out. Of course, given the special event rules, the other team has no idea who your team members are, so you can keep up that initial surprise going to catch them off guard. You can get knocked out by pinfall, submission, DQ, or de-masking. Now, let's go to Referee McGonagall to start us out."

"All right," said McGonagall, "I want a clean match. No below-the-belt, only an appropriate amount of non-gender-specific off-color-language, and seriously, if one of you makes me kiss your butt, I will flip my shit. It will not be pretty."

Ding!

Ding!

"There's the bell! And they're off!"

"Do all these chapters have to end with a fight or some kind of conflict?" Harry said to himself. "I mean, I guess they're just copying the way each book ended…does that mean next year won't have a real fight, just Snape killing Dumbledore and peacing out?"

"Snape kills Dumbledore? NO! You bitch! You bitch!" Umbridge shouted, because the ring is supposed to be a spoiler-free zone.

"Hey! No gendered insults!" McGonagall shouted. Harry took this as a chance to bounce off the ropes and deliver a clothesline.

"Oh! Nice hit from Potter! Is it wrong to enjoy this?"

"If it is, Lee, I'm going to hell with you. Harry is just relentless in his assault, pounding away with all the unchecked rage of a hormonal teen! He's got her against the turnbuckle now! Could Umbridge's fight be over right now?"

"Harry looks like he's setting up for his Finisher, The Potter Punisher! He's going to…no! No! He's decided that it's not going to be this easy for her, and he's calling his partner in!" Harry leapt over the ropes as Ron entered the ring. Ron was wearing a Gryffindor Red mask.

"And it looks like my little brother, Ron Weasley, also known as the Ginger Tornado! The Ginger Tornado is known for his fantastic second-place finish at the Hogwarts Decathlon last year, while Harry secured first. Umbridge has recovered, but GT's going for a DDT!"

"Bah God! She slipped out of that hold as if it were nothing! Dolly's an agile old girl, that's for sure. She's not going to let them get the best of her, if she can help it!"

"You know, she's not calling in any of her teammates."

"You have to wonder, is this part of a strategy, or is her team just letting her take this punishment? Wait a minute, what's going on?"

Delores punched McGonagall in the back of the head, knocking the old woman unconscious. "Oh! Dirty playing, Umbridge! I'm not McGonagall's biggest fan, but even I respect her authority as the referee! They're calling in the second ref while McGonagall's taken off to the side to be checked out. And the second ref, oh, not good for Harry, it's Professor Snape!"

"Yes, Harry and the Potions master were until this year on quite good terms, but something soured them months ago and the two have hated each other since. Snape has made it clear his personal opinions, so I can't trust him to treat this match objectively. And- hold up, Snape is announcing something!"

"My first act as referee," said Snape, "Is a rule extension! This is now a Euclidean Nightmare match!"

"A Euclidean Nightmare match? This was Umbridge's ace in the hole the entire time! This means she can grab her wand now instead of waiting until Round 2, while Harry's team, who is currently in the lead, cannot!"

"I have to say, this kind of dirty-fighting spits in the face of everything I love about this sport, but it was Umbridge's best possible move. She's up against a young team, who are hungry for blood. There's no way she could outwrestle them, but with wands entering the equation, the odds are tipped in the favor of the more experienced magician! Speaking of Magicians, did you read that book? I heard it was supposed to be like our adventures, but more grown-up, and the thing turns into a Narnia rip-off halfway through!"

"Dude! Spoilers! Oh, boy, HEEEEEERE COMES THE BEAAAAAR!" The Official Hogwarts Bear was released just long enough for Umbridge to steal her wand, then she cast a Stupefy at Ron immediately, sending him flying. "Look at the Ginger Tornado fly! How quickly she's turned this match around, she's now beating him mercilessly!"

Ron grunted as the woman's fist slammed into his face. There was little he could do, he waved for help from his corner. "And who should be coming to Ron's aid than the Black Rider of Slytherin himself, Draco, the Snake-o from Waco! These two used to hate each other, but these former rivals are teaming up against Delores Umbridge, the most horrible woman in the world!" Draco flew over the turnbuckle, but she grabbed him and slammed him into the ground. "Ooh, that's got to be emasculating for the Black Rider. I sure hope Astoria Greengrass, former flame of Waldorf Hightides who is rumored to have a thing for Malfoy, didn't see that!"

"But I thought Greengrass and Hightides were gonna be forever?"

A deep sigh from the other commentator, "Well now we've gone and explained the joke."

Draco was reeling, but managed to pull himself up. Harry immediately tagged back in. "That's good work from Potter. He saw his boy had taken a bad hit, so he leapt in there himself. That's selfless team leadership I wish we saw more often out here."

"Potter also figures he's toyed with her long enough. He needs to pin her now, before she gains any momentum."

Harry dodged a Stupefy and leapt at her in a flying tackle. He gripped the bottom of her mask. "My goodness! Potter, out for blood, going to shame Umbridge by de-masking her!" He yanked the mask off, and threw it into the roaring crowd. "Look at him showboat! He's doing, yes, that's right! He's doing the Carlton Dance from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air! And look at Harry go! It's Not Unusual, for him to feel happy about that win. And now we get our first look at the rest of Umbridge's team of housewives and cat-ladies."

Rather than either of those entering the ring, however, Trevormort calmly strolled to the curtain, used magic to pull the ropes aside, and he entered the ring. "Bah God!" said Lee, "Magical Trevor, perhaps best known for when he turned out to be a homunculus with a badly-destroyed Voldemort soul, has entered the ring to fight on Umbridge's behalf!"

"The implications are unreal! To think that of all people Voldemort could team up with, he chose Umbridge! The Dark Lord is not a man known for his discriminating taste, apparently! Logically, the other members of the team are likely the other two Voldemorts, Neomort and Mechamort, and things have suddenly become much grimmer for Harry's team!"

"Hello, Harry," said Trevormort. "Did you enjoy your time off?"

"I thought we were on a filler break for a whole year!"

"You didn't know it, but last Burrito Night, you accidentally progressed the plot by saying you wondered what Ganon was up to."

"That's ri-deus-ex-machina-ulous," Harry said, "I was just referencing those CD-i Zelda games, because, you know, everyone's heard of that thing!"

"Well, what your beloved Hannah forgot to tell you was that regurgitating old memes counted as plot progression, thus forfeiting your attempts at running the clock."

"She's not really my beloved Hannah," Harry said, "I mean, she is kinda cute, but she's also Hogwarts magic given flesh, so I'm not really sure how you would have sex with that. And the last time I asked her about that, she made me give Hagrid an hour of non-sexual tickling. That hour just craaaawwwwlllllls by, let me tell you. Also, I'm kinda trying to keep my lovelife straight in the timeline, so that means despite engaging in an eye-opening but ultimately unsatisfying threesome between myself, Ron, and Hermione, I marry Ginny in the end."

"Well, in any case, there's a match going on, and they're not here to watch us talk," Harry fired off a wandless spell, hoping to catch him off guard. Trevormort easily dodged, and raised his wand, "Avada-!"

"Bah God! Trevor was attacked by the Hogwarts Bear! Riding in to his rescue was none other than…who is that?"

"I'll tell you who it is, Lee! IT'S MY ITTY BITTY BABY SISTER JENOVRA WEASLEY!"

Ginny leapt off the bear, having retrieved her wand, and she blasted Trevormort with a Purple Nurple Jinx. "So you reconsidered?" Harry asked her.

"No, still Slytherin to the bone. But I know sometimes, there's a nerdlinger so nerdy," she twisted her wand, intensifying the spell, "that all bullies have to join together to stop him."

"Aw, come on, Bear! I thought we were cool!" Trevormort groaned. He pulled himself up, fighting off the jinx and stumbling. "The others must not have finished yet."

"They're not here?" Harry asked.

"We're not attached at the hip. I'd stay and chat, but it seems your side is once again intent on not making this fair," he said as the teachers all aimed their wands at him. "But I've seen what I've needed to see, done what I've needed to do. So long, Harry, it's certainly been…SNAKES TO KNOW YOU!" He Disapparated as everyone fired their curses, and where he once stood was a mass of snakes. They hissed.

"Oh, come on, snakes, be cool," Harry hissed at them.

"Fair enough," said the cobra commander, and all the snakes left.

"Well, that was easy," Harry said, and he and Ginny left the ring.

"I don't believe it!" shouted Lee Jordan, "Do you believe in miracles! Harry Potter wins against Voldemort again! The Cowboys win the Super Bowl! The Cowboys win the Super Bowl! The Cowboys win the Super Bowl!"

"Oh no you don't!" said Snape, "This match is still on, so you both are DQ'ed! And if you don't get a man in the ring in ten seconds, your whole team is out!" Draco hurried into the ring.

"Well, even though the emotional climax is passed, we still have a match to finish," said Fred/George. "Though Trevor did say his team was not the other Voldemorts, so who else is on Umbridge's team?" as it turned out, the rest of the ream was pretty lackluster. First up was Mrs. Norris, who to her credit did scratch Draco pretty badly, but he was able to quickly pin her because she was a ten pound housecat. Then it was Marietta Edgecombe, and after a quick match Draco managed to de-mask her, revealing that she got a set of cursed zits that read "I LIKE IT IN THE BUTT" across her face. It was probably for the best that no one asked how exactly she got those magic pimples.

"Well there you have it, Harry and his team win against Umbridge, and, bah God! McGonagall has regained consciousness! And she's saying something!"

"I have decided that I'm going to reverse the decision! The parts of the match that happened while I was unconscious are now void!" McGonagall said despite the boos.

"The first ref has reversed the decision of the second ref! So, in the context of the climax, in other words, the heroes won, but for the purpose of the story they technically lost! The title does not change hands!"

"Oh for-!" Harry shouted.

"Well, I unfortunately admit my defeat. Hogwarts stinks anyways, I might as well go out with a bang," Umbridge said, dropping her pants.

"Hey, wait, you can't trick me into doing this," McGonagall said, kissing Umbridge's naked butt, "There. I did it of my own volition. I took that power away from you." Everyone laughed.

…

Trevormort returned to his home base, his nipples still hurting from how Ginny was twisting them. Luna immediately brightened upon seeing him return, running up to him and nuzzling her face against his. "I'm so glad you're back, my love," she said.

"That was risky," Neomort admonished. "You could have ruined everything by dying there."

"Please," Trevormort shrugged, pouring himself some wine. "Hannah wasn't there, Dumbledore wasn't there, McGonagall was unconscious, Snape took no action and in fact aided me, I was perfectly safe. What was Professor Sprout going to do? Grow plants at me? Besides, it all worked out."

"You tricked him?" asked Mechamort.

Trevor gave a snort, "He's an idiot, Mecha. Gullible, too. I simply told him he had progressed already, and he leapt to attacking me. I doubt he realized that until he attacked, I could not fight back, due to the unique restrictions of that stall spell. But he broke it wide open for us, and now we can move forward with our plans," but that was enough expositing for now, "So, where is this "source", anyway, and why does she want Potter dead?"

"I don't just want him dead," said the woman, "He has chosen to destroy my perfect design. Such disrespect will not be taken lightly! I brought him into this world," said JK Rowling, "and so be it, I will take him out!"

…

On the train ride back, Harry added a bit about how they still needed a Ravenclaw. He was about to not put a checkmark next to "Events of Year Five" but then he remembered that the last time he did jack-all and got Sirius killed, so this time he did nothing but at least no one died.

…

At St. Mungo's Hospital, Neville sat by his parents. "Dumbledore's made a New Order of the Phoenix," he said to them. "I've…decided against joining it," he looked away from them, feeling shame even if they couldn't understand him. "I just…I can't. I'm afraid of dying. I'm going to be alive to check you guys out when they've got the cure for you." He looked into his mother's eyes. She looked lucid, even though he knew that was just a pipe dream of his. She seemed to be telling him something. "You want me to join? For the good of the Longbottom name?" He could've sworn she nodded, and that his father smiled, not in an unaware-of-what's-going-on-daze, but a smile a proud father would give. Neville booted up the computer on his robot arm. "Sorry, Gran," he said into the speaker, "But I've got some business to take care of, with the Order of the Phoenix!"

NEXT TIME: The story starts winding down! Great, it only took me like two years, am I right? So subplots that have been kind of meandering will finally start coming into a head, as I haven't really decided if everything ends in chapter six or seven! But come along and find out with me, won't you? All this and, don't want to get any hopes up, but maybe the best thing you've ever seen, same Harry Potter time, same Time Travel Related Pun channel!


	6. Year Six Too Many Voldemorts!

"Come Harry," said Dumbledore, "Let us go catch a gentleman's disease from that stupid whore, Adventure."

"There are literally a billion better metaphors you could have used," Harry said.

"Probably. All right, let's go recruit our horrible fatty fat professor." They Apparated together, reappearing on Slughorn's doorstep. "I must warn you, Harry. Professor Slughorn is a grotesquely fat human being. There is a chance that after seeing the blob of stained t-shirts and man-boobs you will find it difficult to believe in a loving god." Dumbledore knocked on the door, and, talking in a high-pitched voice, said, "Housekeeping." No answer. He spoke in a more youthful voice, "Pizza guy, duuuuude."

The door swung open, and there stood Horace Slughorn, who looked like the movie version of Slughorn. "Uh, sir, is this really him?" asked Harry.

Dumbledore gagged, "Yes, Harry, I know it may be hard to believe this is in fact a human being and not a Hutt from a Star Wars film, but yes, this lump of heart failure is Professor Slughorn."

"Albus I told you, I'm not going to rejoin the school until you take back those things you keep saying about me," said Slughorn.

"I'm sorry, but you were the one who chose to look like that," he said.

"Sir, he's not that fat," Harry said.

"Thank you, son," Slughorn said. "Maybe if I get that apology I asked for, I'll consider joining your staff."

Dumbledore sighed, "I'm sorry."

"Ok, I'll do it. I'll sign on as Potions Master," Slughorn said.

"Excellent! Now, we just need you to-"

"Psyche!" He slammed the door. Then he opened the door, hung a sign that said "Solicitors will be turned into dogs or something" on the doorknob, and slammed the door again.

"Huh," said Dumbledore. "Well…huh."

HARRY POTTER AND THE TIME TRAVEL RELATED PUN CHAPTER SIX: TOO MANY VOLDEMORTS!

Hermione Granger opened her eyes. "Where am I?" She asked. She was in a beautiful, ethereal, logical landscape. Geometry was perfectly Euclidean. Everything was behaving as it should.

"You are in Logical Dream World," said a voice she couldn't quite place. She couldn't person or thing it either. Indeed, it was a voice that seemed immune to any noun whatsoever. "This is the extremely rare type of dream, shown only to the most logical of people because Wizard Jesus those guys can't handle a metaphor to save their lives. Seriously, I could explain this whole thing in like a two-second vision and then you'd be back to that dream where you're taking a test in Arithmancy but forget to wear clothes, but nope! Here we are."

"Why are we here, then?" asked Hermione.

"HERM-ON-NINNY GRANGER," boomed the voice, "YOU ARE IT. YOU ARE THE LAST OF THOSE FOUR GUYS WHO ARE GOING TO BE SO SPECIAL."

"You mean Harry, Ron and Draco? But the last person had to be from Ravenclaw."

"DUDER," boomed the voice again, "THE RAVENCLAW WAS INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME," the voice stopped booming, "See, here in a sensible dream sequence you'd pull a raven's talon from your stomach or something, but we were afraid you'd take that to mean this whole thing isn't serious. And it is. Deathly hallows. I mean Deathly Sirius. I mean, well, you know what I mean. Talk to Dumbledore when you wake up."

Suddenly, Professor Arithmanco appeared in front of her. "Everyone, you may begin your test…now."

"Oh no! I haven't studied!" gasped Hermione, who then busted out laughing, "Seriously? I'm friggin' Hermione Granger, my gimmick is that I study all the time." She then began to ace the test, stopping only to perform a quick "Enclothio" to put on clothes once the dream tried to play that card.

Hermione woke up, realizing with a start, "Sweet Sally Struthers! Hermy Jean is going to be a main character again!"

…

Somewhat later, Hermione burst into Dumbeldore's office. "Headmaster!" She said, "I know that we've like, never had a direct conversation, the two of us, but I had a very specific and logical dream! I am the fourth piece of the puzzle, the student from Ravenclaw!"

"Wha-? Oh! Yes! Just as I deduced," lied Dumbledore, who was just about to suggest to Harry that he ask Cho Chang again. "You fit all the criteria of a Ravenclaw student. Clever, insanely smug, ruins funny movies by quoting them over and over, and you're a girl!"

"So, what do I do?"

"First off, you can join the rest of them in the Special Main Character area. It's stocked with punch and cookies. Not good cookies," he warned her, "Just so you don't get excited. They're pretty bad, honestly. They were in the back of my pantry, and I figured they had to get used somehow, it may as well be here."

"Ok," she said. "Oh, and sir? What are you going to do about Defense Against the Dark Arts?" Oh come on, Hermione, I was going to just never mention that again and hope nobody noticed.

"Quit asking about that," haha, wow, Dumbledore, that's like the first time you've ever been cool. "All will be revealed," he did a mystical hand gesture, thus losing those cool points he had just been awarded. Tough luck, Dumbles.

…

After a completely arbitrary amount of time had passed, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Hannah and Dumbledore were outside the Headmaster's office. "Now, I have searched for the entrance to the lost secret of Hogwarts through all manner of books," explained Dumbledore as he led them on. "My attempts at asking the spirit of the school herself just led me to experiencing a rather awkward hour with Hagrid. Anyway, it really is the lost secret of Hogwarts," he said rather unhelpfully. Upon reaching a place where the path forked, he produced blindfolds.

"Oh God I've read lots of Draco/Dumbledore fanfics that start this same way," whined Draco.

"What, in chapter six?" asked Ron as he put the blindfold on.

"Yes. All the cool stories don't start at the beginning, but in chapter six. It's called in medias res, jackass, read a book for once," Draco said.

"So, we're just ignoring that Draco has read fanfics where he and the elderly headmaster engage in sexual intercourse?" asked Hermione. You can tell she's Hermione because she talks like no real person would.

"Yes already, get with the program, Granger," Hannah rolled her eyes, but half of them already put on blindfolds so no one could tell.

"All right, everyone's blindfolded?" asked Dumbledore as he too had his shining ocular vision balls covered. "You see, in order to find the lost secret, you must be lost yourself."

"Boooooooooo," everyone booed. This was disappointing. And I think stolen from a Goosebumps book or something.

"I know, I know, but this plot was introduced two chapters ago, you have to know it was going to be disappointing. I don't have to remind everyone how Humphrey Boggart ended, do I?"

"You should," said Draco, "That was the only time I got to beat something. I mean, last chapter I jobbed to Delores Umbridge. Umbridge, people!"

"Now, now," said Dumbledore, "Everyone shut up and start walking with me."

"How are we supposed to tell where you go, though?" asked Harry.

"You know, the book made it sound so much easier."

"We're here," said Hannah.

"Hm, that was easy," Dumbledore removed his blindfold. They were in front of a large door, with four handles. "Oh, I guess there's not a Headmaster handle. The book lied on that part. Miss Hogwarts, I'm assuming you can take things from here?" She nodded. "Well, I'm off, to talk to your new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor!"

"I still can't believe he hired a swarm of live bees to teach us," said Ron.

"I still can't believe the bees are more effective than Umbridge was at teaching us!"

"That's our Hermione!" Ron laughed. "Hey, Harry, we were supposed to say that together."

"We were? You didn't give me any kind of sign to say it."

"He did," said Draco, "Surely I, Draco with the eyes of an eagle and the surefootedness of a billygoat and the social cue knowledge of one of those sign-language knowing apes, was able to…What were we talking about?" No one really cared, so he dropped it.

"All right, let's open us a door!" Harry said. Each of the four gripped a handle, while Hannah hung back. "And, push!"

They stumbled into a wide room that was seemingly empty. "This is the core of Hogwarts," Hannah said, sounding very authoritarian. She then pointed at her belly, "You'd be about here, if you really were inside me," she raised a finger to shush Draco, "No clumsy sex jokes."

"Awww," Draco whined.

"Ooh! Inside you? More like in-sex you!" Ron blurted out, then raised his hand as if he deserved a high-five for that. His friends rightfully left him hanging.

"Ugh," groaned Hannah, who shot an aside to Hermione, "How do you put up with that guy?"

"I find his stupidity charming," she blushed.

"Uh oh," said Harry, "I've read a lot of Ron/Hermione canon that starts like this. Anyway, what are we supposed to be looking at here?"

"Oh, right. Y'see, the Four Founders of Hogwarts were not just powerful wizards and witches. They were the original Four Heroes, the intergalactic defenders of Earth."

"Going to preemptively call bullshit," said Draco.

"Let me finish. The Coalition of Human-Like Aliens, a collection of aliens who pretty much just look like people except with goofy hair or blue skin or any other effect that can be reproduced cheaply, attacked Earth long ago. I forget the reason why. The Four Heroes then built the Super Robot Hogkaiser in order to fend off the attackers. The aliens retreated, vowing to come back one day."

"And that's why we're here?" asked Harry.

"What? No. They're prophesized to come back, yeah, but in like 300 years. So we can use Hogkaiser to beat up Voldemort. After the Four Heroes were victorious, however, they got drunk and decided to build a school around their giant robot."

"You know," Hermione scowled, "The dream told me this was going to be a logical adventure. This is a tale of ancient aliens and hidden robots, and why is our technology so much better just from Harry going back in time?"

"It's the Butterfly Effect," said Hannah.

"Oh, right, like in the alternate ending where Ashton Kutcher kills himself!" said Harry.

"Dude! Spoilers!" Everyone shouted.

"This will definitely give us a fighting chance against the Dark Lord, eh?" Ron nudged Hermione, who looked to be charmed by him yet ashamed of it.

"Exactly! Unless his Death Eaters have found the ruins of the aliens' weapons and repaired them!" said Hannah, who added cheerily, "By the way, guys, is the title of this chapter "Harry Wins, The End, No Moral"?" She didn't wait for an answer, "No!"

"That wasn't rhetorical?" asked Draco. That was rhetorical, however.

She sighed. "Just get in the damn robot." The robot rose slowly out of the ground. It sort of looked like a castle, with turrets for shoulders, and it had the face of a robotic boar. The cockpit in the robot's chest opened up, and the four students entered.

"You're not coming with us?" asked Harry.

"Nah, I don't like it in there," she said.

"Oh man! This is so cool!" Ron said, fiddling with some controls.

"No, this is kinda stupid. Like that wrestling thing in the last chapter," Hermione rolled her eyes, "Just because it happened in Saint's Row doesn't mean we have to imitate it. I mean, are we supposed to be imitating Skyrim now?"

"Well, earlier today I did kill a dragon and absorb its power," said Harry. "By the way, if Hagrid asks you, Norbert ran away, got it?" He looked at the controls a bit closer, "So, how do we run this thing?"

"I'd assume the wheel for steering, then the buttons for specific attacks," said Hermione.

"Cricket, Hermione!" (Cricket is possibly British slang?) "How did you know that?" asked Ron.

"Seriously? There's a wheel, and like five buttons. Sometimes I think the only reason people think I'm smart is because you guys are friggin' morons," damn, major character Hermione is smarmy. Hey, wait, she was a major character in the books and wasn't smarmy at all! I think this fanfic about Harry going back in time to fight Voldemorts and robots may not entirely be canon!

"Hm," Harry fiddled with the wheel, and the robot mimicked his movements. "Yeah, seems legit. Though, a thought occurs. How are we supposed to get this thing out of the school? I don't see anyway to do that, excepting of course to just fly straight up."

"But that'll destroy Ravenclaw Tower!" whined Hermione, "As an honorary Ravenclaw, I'm against that."

"Oh, screw those nerds!" said Draco.

Harry was presented then with a choice, to destroy Ravenclaw Tower or not to. Hey, a choice making an actual difference in how the story will play out? I guess they're not imitating Skyrim after all! Hiyooooo!

"Or we could take a third option," suggested Ron.

"Oh yeah, never thought about that. Let's do that," Harry hit the button labeled "Third Option," and the robot began to move on its own to a track. The behemoth machine gingerly laid itself down on the track as if it were getting into a hot bath. The magnet system working the rails came to life, and rocketed the Hogkaiser out of the secret exit underneath the Hogwarts lagoon.

The machine soared through the air, when it was accosted by another giant robot that appeared to have a snake-head. "Blast!" swore the enemy pilot, because for some reason once sci-fi enters the equation there go all the real swear words, "I had hoped you hadn't found that yet!"

"Who are you? One of the Death Eaters?" asked Harry.

"Haha, yes, I am Amycus Carrow, one-half of the dreaded Carrow siblings, and I have been sent here in my Snaku to destroy that accursed Hogwarts school once and for all!"

"Wait, even us purebloods?" asked Draco.

"Yeah, we've been informed to just cut our losses entirely. We can always start anew," said Amycus as his machine readied its fists.

"Did he seriously call his machine a Snaku? Is this going to be one of those things where later on there's a callback to this that makes it all make sense while being really, really stupid?" asked Hermione.

"Hermione, please, you're killing our buzz," said Harry. Ron looked to be charmed by it however and somewhat ashamed.

…

Meanwhile, on the moonlit plains of Midwestern America, Neville grinned. His long search had finally come to an end. His special assignment with the Order had come to its logical head. He was going to wrap up his character arc. Across from him stood Bellatrix Lestrange. "So, you've tracked me down."

"Harry knew about your plans," Neville said, "He knew that- hey wait, how are we at moonlit plains? I thought it was daytime in the other scene, and the time zones aren't that far off."

"Ha, poking holes at the plot won't help you now, boy."

"Well, yeah, but pointing out there are errors may at least grant some forgiveness in making them."

"What? No, it makes them worse! Like, you know there's a problem but you're too lazy to fix it."

"…Ok, yeah, I see where you're coming from. But anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted…"

"What are you talking about?" asked Bellatrix as wind swept around them. As if to correct the time difference plothole it was now suddenly the early morning. "You were the one who interrupted yourself."

"Was I?" His robot arm whirred. "Well, forget it, who cares. Harry knew how the Voldemorts would send you to find the Amulet of Marakesh, a mystic artifact capable of repairing even the most damaged of souls. And so, here I am, to stop you, and avenge my family!" There was the distinctive _shiink_ sound as the blade on his robot arm unsheathed.

"Ha! Your family?" Bellatrix cast a quick spell, and a sword formed in her hand. "I bet your grandmother never even told you what happened to your parents!"

"Uhhhhhh where are you going with this?" Neville's eyes widened, "Oh no, no no no, please don't-"

"No! I am your mother!"

…

"Boooooooooo!" Harry booed.

"Why did you just do that?" asked someone, it really doesn't matter which one said it.

"It's as if a million tiny voices cried out, and thought that parodying Star Wars was hip again."

"Yikes," said Ron, "But that Carrow fellow won't let us sit around and mangle Star Wars quotes! Let's get him!"

"I kind of figured you would awkwardly twist a reference into that, but you showed restraint in that case," said Draco, who unfortunately added, "I guess what I'm saying is, good job, kid, but don't get cocky!" Draco is the worst.

"I would have guessed that by being effeminate and British you'd be emulating C3P0?" Hermione said to Draco, because non-canon smarmy Hermione is kind of awesome.

…

But enough about canon- meanwhile, where Neville just found out Bellatrix was his mom. "Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. You see, when your grandmother said your mother was tortured into insanity, she was telling the truth. Except it was the Dementors who tortured me, not any Death Eaters. I had defeated the Longbottoms, with the help of my brothers, but I was caught nonetheless. Your father was nowhere to be found, and the Ministry worried putting another wizard through an orphanage would create another Dark Lord, so they gave you to [Whatever Her Name Is, Probably Something Really Silly] Longbottom with the hopes she would raise you right."

"Wait," He said, "But then who's my dad?"

She laughed, "That secret I'll take to my grave!" She fired off a spell, which he coolly redirected.

"To your grave? Oh, it's Professor Snape, isn't it?"

She attacked again, angrier, "It was a one-night stand! It was really awkward and he kept calling me Lily!" The two leapt into battle.

…

Speaking of battle, the Hogkaiser just punched the everliving balls out of Carrow's Snaku, soundly destroying it. "I expected a bit more from that," said Harry.

"That should really be the title of this story, by the way," Hermione said. "Harry Potter and You Know What, I Expected a Bit More From That." She leaned back in her chair.

"Hey how come we need four pilots but Harry's the only one who's actually doing anything?" asked Ron. Ron I assume has been asleep up to this point because that's how everything always went. Boom, roasted.

"Don't you see?" said Hannah, who calmly strolled out from behind one of the chairs. "It's only the Four Houses working together that can get the Hogkaiser running, even if admittedly only one of the Houses actually does any of the work."

"I thought you weren't coming with us?" asked Ron, who was soundly ignored.

"Separately," Hannah continued, "Each House is a bit of a wash. You've got Gryffindor, who are brave, sure, but so reckless I'm always surprised when a year goes by and someone didn't get killed or injured severely. There's Ravenclaw, who are smart, but use that as an excuse to be lazy. Slytherin, well, let me just put it this way, Draco here is the first decent Slytherin in a hundred years, and remember that last year he jobbed to Delores Umbridge. Hufflepuffs are probably the only decent House around, but since they're told to value teamwork it keeps one of them from rising above the rest. But when these four mindsets are put together," she paused, "You get a huge pile-up of clashing personalities and everyone at each others' throats. But when these mindsets are united, there's nothing that can stop them. And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Christmas."

"I get it now," lied Harry who was just staring at Hannah's rack the whole time, "We've got to do it!"

"Yeah!" agreed Ron, who was taking a page from Harry's book and thinking about tigers and thus also had no idea what he agreed to.

"So how come all of this was left out from _Hogwarts: A History_?" asked Hermione, who because she's Hermione hung on every word.

"Would you really believe it, though?"

"I would," said Draco, and he then he said a bunch of silly things that he supposedly shared characteristics with. This is the unofficial self-parody chapter. Also during that infodump Draco was wondering if deaf people hear themselves think.

"Ok, so we defeated one of the Death Eaters, now what?" asked Harry, who because he had a rough childhood did not immediately think of a million ways to tool around with a giant robot.

"The Order might be battling other members of the Dark Lord's forces," said Hermione, "We should radio them and see if they need support."

"Sure," said Harry, who called up Teddy, "This is Ground Control to Major Tonks. We're floating in a most peculiar wa-ay, and the stars look very different, toda-a-ay.

"Ugh," groaned Teddy, "Harry, now's not the time for schtick."

"Is there trouble?" asked Hermione, sounding worried.

"Yeah, call me the Buddha, because I'm busy as Shit-out-thar."

"What?" sputtered Harry, Ron, and Draco.

"Shit-out-thar, it sorta sounds like Siddhartha maybe kind of, and he was the Buddha."

"Too esoteric," Hermione shook her head.

"Didn't you just say there's no time for schtick, anyway?"

"Yeah, true enough. There are a few of those guys with really big robots, Neville's fighting Bellatrix, the Dumbledore Painting is fighting the Grindelwald Daguerreotype, I think Ron's dad swallowed a fly, it's madness! Get down here as soon as you can!" He paused, adding calmly, "Or don't. Whichevs." The fact that he just said "whichevs" as a shortened form of "whichever" makes me suddenly not care if he gets killed off. THIS IS BUILDING DRAMATIC TENSION!

"We've got to get there right away!" said Harry, "But we're going to need a little theme music…"

"I'm not singing," said Draco immediately, who added, "Well, I suppose, if my dulcet tones are the only things that can fix this mess we're in, then I guess I have no choice. FINE I'LL DO IT!" Music began playing, "Taaaaaaake onnnnnnnn meeeeeee!"

"No, no, I have this covered," said Harry, who took out a CD titled "Harry's Time-Travel Mix" and put on track number six.

"No one man should have all that power!" came the voice of Kanye West and Harry looked pumped as all get out as the four students drove the robot.

"So we're back to emulating Saints' Row again?" Hermione sighed, "You know, you guys could have told me that this is what adventures are like. I would have appreciated the warning."

…

"This is bad," Teddy said. He, the Dumbledore Painting, and Ron's Dad were pinned down. Alecto Carrow was in a Snaku robot as well, and this one had a rifle that fired magic-loaded shells.

"Ron's Dad," said the Painting, "If I don't make it out of here, tell your wife I always thought she was kinda hot."

"What? No!"

"It's ok," the Painting said, "She knows."

"Struggle all you want!" laughed Alecto, "I will get revenge for my (I don't know, was he her brother or husband. I know the comedy option is that since this is fanfic, chances are pretty good he's both) person of ill-defined familial relationship!" She fired her gun, but this time the bullet did not shake the Order's cover.

"Ha!" said Draco, "Call us La Roux, because we're Bulletproof!"

Everyone else groaned. "Seriously dude? La Roux is your go-to bulletproof joke?" Ron asked. "Not like, 50 Cent or anything that would sound more threatening then some 90 pound lady with goofy hair?"

"Well, ok, but by doing this, we can then add "We're going in for the kill" and it's like, a reference that works on multiple levels."

"Yeah, actually, I sort of like it," said Hermione, "Maybe it's not the most threatening, but we did reflect that shell pretty well with Hogkaiser's Shield Charms inscribed into its hands." Jeez, what are you, the narrator? Oh, shit, that's me, sorry guys, I guess informing you of what happened was sort of my job.

"Look, we can stand around and argue this all day. And I say we do just that, because arguing is fun," said Ron.

"Naw, let's just end this," Harry said, commanding the robot to punch Alecto's Snaku.

"No! Remember me as a peacemaker and a muggle-hater!" Alecto cried as her robot took an inordinately long time to explode.

"You may have beaten her, but get ready for THE THICKNESSE!" shouted Pius Thicknesse as he charged into battle.

"Harry! Scanners show he's just Imperiused! Don't kill him!" said Hermione.

"Hermione, I appreciate your faith in me, but I'm literally just pushing buttons here, I have no idea how to make this non-lethal." Hogkaiser dodged an attack from Pius's Snaku, and it kicked the other robot in the shin. The Snaku fell to the ground yet didn't explode. "I mean, there, I did it, I'm a genius."

"Is that all of them?" asked Ron.

"No, there's still one more," Harry said, confidently thinking of where he was going to put the medal he would get from this. Even though it's not a real war or anything, so he could only get some civilian valor medal or something. "There!" The Hogkaiser attacked the sole remaining robot, but his foe stood firm. "What's going on? Why is this Snaku not exploding in one hit?"

"This is no Snaku, boy! No Snaku!" said Thorfinn Rowle from within his blue Snaku. Hermione booed. The blue robot attacked with a whip that wrapped around Hogkaiser. "Get a load of (get a load of get a load of) this!"

"Agh!" Volts of pain coursed through their bodies.

"His whip is enchanted with the Cruciatus curse," explained Hannah as she ate a big slice of pizza, "So, you know, don't get hit by it."

"I'm actually not hurt by the pain, I'm just wincing from all the Gundam references we're just plugging in here," Hermione said sarcastically through pained breaths.

"Could be worse," Ron grunted, 'We could still be lifting Star Wars quotes completely context-free."

"Draco, I know you're about to say something stupid, so preemptive shut up," said Harry, "We need to get free of this whip!"

"Oh, is that what you're gonna try, eh? In that case, I'll have to hit ya with another zotz!" Thorfinn Rowle recast the Cruciatus, and the pilots yelped in pain again.

"Harry," someone said, "Use the force."

"Eat a dick, Draco," said Harry.

"What? No, it's me, Dumbledore. Though maybe I will. I'm a sexually liberated old geezer, but…well, anyway. The force. Use it." Dumbledore was transmitting his thoughts into Harry's head, which while totally evil when Voldemort does it, was ok in this case.

"What are you talking about?"

"The force you need to get up and punch him, instead of getting zotzed by the Cruciatus like a baby. Except, wait, when you actually were a baby, you shrugged off a Killing Curse. So you're being less than a baby, Harry. Think about that, when you tell people to eat a dick."

"He's right!" Harry leapt to the controls, forcing Hogkaiser to deliver a face-destroying punch squarely into the jaw of Thorfinn's robot.

"In the middle of a battle, Thorfinn Rowle forgot to fight!" He shouted as his robot exploded just like the rest.

"Well, we did it. Hopefully our allies weren't killed in all the explosions and falling metal and debris," said Harry. He paused, "And…I dunno. Usually the chapter ends after something like this happens."

"Aren't there still a bunch of dangling plot threads? Harry, we can't end the chapter here, it's irresponsible!" protested Hermione.

Harry was about to say something witty and intelligent, such as that it was Hermione's mother's butt that was being irresponsible, when he suddenly zoned out. He seemed to be falling away from everything, his friends and also Draco disintegrated as he fell endlessly backwards into a blank white void. So I guess it's a _Dominic Deegan_ crossover now?

"Very clever, Harry, but not clever enough, I'm afraid."

"What? How was anything I did in the past six years clever?" Harry asked as the room slowly came into view. If he had to guess, this was a Hilton hotel room, on the fourth floor, in Seattle, Washington. He was wrong on all counts, but never mind that. "Wait, you're-?"

"You can say my name, I was already namedropped at the end of the last chapter," said JK Rowling, who poured herself a glass of wine.

"I don't understand. Didn't you appear in Year Three to make some jokes about Marietta Edgecombe? So didn't that mean you were a-ok with all the wacky misadventures?"

"Ha, Harry my boy, you must keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."

"Yeah, see, I tried that with Voldemort. Granted, it was unintended on my part, so maybe that's why I have to fight TOO MANY VOLDEMORTS instead of just the one." Hey! He said the chapter title! I love when that happens!

"That's partly my problem with you, lately. All of this nonsense of timelines that double-back on each other, an embodiment of the school that's exactly as powerful as she needs to be in order for the plot to advance, Draco attempting redemption instead of just being a weird little dingus, and Neville completing his character arc! What was so wrong with the proper timeline?"

"Well, you know, it wasn't perfect," Harry shrugged.

"And? Everything turning out right for the protagonist is pretty much the opposite of a story. You have to suffer some losses in order to make your wins mean anything! And really, can you say that things have turned out that much better this time around?"

"Well," he paused, thinking very hard, "Sirius didn't die!"

"Ok, and-?"

He paused again. "Uhhhh, Sirius didn't die, did I mention that already?"

She laughed derisively. "Harry, my boy, I'm afraid that this little experiment will have to…Cease and Desist," with these words, that looking back now I should have italicized (I'm joking, obviously, because that implies I edit this shit), Harry was shaken to his very core. "In fact, with one single Word, I could revert all this damage you've done and you'll be back to your happy marriage with a beautiful wife and loving children like that." She probably intended that to sound more threatening.

"But," Harry groaned, "Voldemort came back! He killed my family, then Ron, then Hermione did some Dragonball Z bullshit and blew herself up, even when I win, it all comes crashing down!"

"That never happened, idiot," said JK Rowling, "As I recall, at the end of Book Seven, the epilogue said that nothing bad happened to you anymore. Your adventures were over, Harry, I have no idea where this sprouted from."

"Hey, how come the last word of the last book wasn't "scar"? You said it was going to be "scar"!"

"I rewrote it, you-" she paused, "I won't let you anger me anymore. I believe I will pull the plug on this little escapade right now." She shot a strange look into nothingness, and the world around Harry burned away. His world was being unmade, and he felt himself slowly slip back into the way things were. The timeline was slowly correcting itself, but he was retaining his future knowledge. More disturbingly, he retained his memories of the past six years as well. How would he be able to live life normally with these "false" memories? They'd send him to St. Mungo's for sure. Then Voldemort would win, for real this time and 3cfekv?/vri

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Error- the file HP6TooManyVoldemorts has been corrupted. Would you like me to try to repair the file, or think about tigers?

Repair the File, I Don't Get This Tiger Running Gag, Seriously.

Ok then. You find yourself at a forked path. What do you do?

Get Ye Flask

Yeah, bro, I didn't catch that.

Go Right

I don't understand "go".

Take Right Path

I don't understand "Right" either. Or "Path". I'm a little fuzzy on "Take" while we're at it.

Win Game.

Congratulations! You won the game! Press the "any" key to continue.

Harry opened his eyes. He had very nearly been unmade, and it had very nearly sucked hardcore. Though, seeing as he overlooked the vast, open plains of the Afterworld, maybe he had been unmade after all. "You ok, kid?" asked Hannah.

"Where are we?"

"The Afterworld," she said. "We're dead, yo."

"How can that be? I mean, if I'm here, then things really didn't go back to the way they were supposed to, seeing as the Boy Who Lived just dropped dead for no reason."

"Don't freak out, this is a good thing. We're here, but we're not non-existent, get it? We have a chance. We'll get that seventh chapter yet."

Harry sighed. "Why does the Gundam parody chapter have to be the one that gets all metaphysical?"

"Come on," she grabbed his arm, "We should get going."

"Uh, Hannah," said Harry as he followed her through the fantastical underworld that I assure you was beyond description. Yep. Indescribable. Not at all because I'm lazy and cribbing from…argh, can't remember the guy's name. You know him, though. The Cthulu guy. Not HG Wells…Lovecraft! That guy.

"Yeah?"

"How come you're here too?"

"Oh, right. Yeah, the Rowlster didn't so much kill anyone as just evict all the non-canon stuff from the story. So there's you as in the future soul, and me. I'm sure if we waited around we'd find Teddy and Smarmy Hermione and all those guys, but time is of the essence here. We just might be able to plead your case and get everything back on track."

"And if we don't?" Harry tried not to be so pessimistic, but honestly, he was dead.

"Then I had a hell of a time with you these past six years. In all honesty, this was the first time I've had any fun since Hogwarts was founded. Come on, not much further."

…

They came at last to what could be best described as oh, right, indescribable, never mind. But it was sort of a castle I guess. They went inside, finding Death himself sitting at a typewriter, typing a letter to a newspaper to complain about those clowns in Congress who sure are clowns.

"That's really Death?" asked Harry. "Why does he look like Sid Vicious?"

"It's a long story," Hannah shrugged, "I'd assume so, anyway."

"And what's all this then?" asked Death, who waved his hand and dispersed the typewriter into the ether. "Ah. Harry Potter. I've heard of you. Never thought I'd ever get a hold of you, you being a main character and all. And you, Spirit of Hogwarts…never thought you were actually able to die. So whaddya want?"

"I want to return to the world of the living. I want to undo what JK Rowling has already undone to my world."

"Ah. That will be a tough one, kid. You'd have to prove it to her that you deserve to go on, and, well, frankly, if you could do that, you wouldn't be here to begin with."

"We have to try," said Harry, "Could you get us an audience with her?"

"Indeed I could. Unfortunately, I don't do things for free. You have to retrieve for me the five runic cubes, then I shall give you the audience you seek."

"And how are we supposed to find these cubes?" asked Hannah.

"Well, they're all in this building. Most are in the kitchen, one might be in the garage, and I think I'm sitting on one. Now go!"

…

"Yeah, there's one in the fridge," said Harry.

"I found the one in the garage. It was under the car," said Hannah.

"Oh, hold on, there were two in the fridge. This one was behind the orange juice."

"Actually I was sitting on two of them, not one. No wonder my butt's been hurting," said Death. "Ok, that's all of them. Good work, heroes. I shall gather your author, and Harry, please don't screw this up." He disappeared, then reappeared later with JK Rowling in tow. "Ladies and main characters, your canon author."

"Amusing, Harry," said JK Rowling, "But why do you continue to fight this meaningless battle?"

"Well, because you let all those other meaningless battles go on! I mean, you didn't wipe out _My Immortal_, for Thor's sake."

JK Rowling laughed. Then Death started laughing, then Hannah, then Harry, because it was contagious. The author silenced them, "Fool! I wrote _My Immortal_!" Everyone gasped, because this was shocking and made no sense, but no one wanted to admit it made no sense. UNOFFICIAL SELF-PARODY CHAPTER! "The fans were getting on edge, because they were waiting for whichever book it was to come out. They needed something to get them to focus on anything besides the wait and building hype. Hype, as you all know, is the killer of any long-awaited thing. So I wrote it, under a fake name obviously, as a distraction to give me enough time to fix that plothole about the Weasley cousin." I apologize, finally, six chapters in, for being a big dumb nerd.

"Uh, with all due respect," said Hannah, "We don't really care." Death and Harry both murmured in agreement.

"Fool!" JK Rowling shouted, because I guess she's a JRPG villain now? "No one talks that way to me and gets away with it!" A typewriter materialized in front of her, and the bestselling author began typing. "And then the stupid Original Character Do Not Steal died suddenly," she read aloud as she wrote, because it was more interesting to do so.

"Aw, awwwwww," Hannah grunted as she gripped her side. A serious wound had appeared there within the past half-second. "Looks like I used up all those survival points. Hey, Harry, promise something to me."

"Yeah?" He asked softly. She grabbed his hand tightly.

"Make sure…make sure your class makes the best goddamned memorial slideshow of me ever." She let go of his hand and shut her eyes. Her eyes shot open and she grabbed his hand again, "And don't have the music be "Time of Your Life" by Green Day. Jesus, Harry, that's way too obvious."

"Can it be "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"?"

"No, no Green Day at all!" She coughed. "I guess this is it, Harry. See you, wizard cowboy," she shut her eyes, and disappeared.

"Wait, what does this mean for the school?" Harry asked. Death shrugged unhelpfully. "I mean, if I'm understanding correctly, which to be fair I'm probably not, but wasn't she like, the magic of Hogwarts? So, like, will the school run out of magic, or will it get more because it doesn't have to maintain her or…what, exactly?"

JK Rowling laughed. "See what happens, Harry? Fate cares not for those who stand against it. Now, are you done fooling around?"

"Not yet! I have to fight some more! Death! Can I borrow an unbeatable wand for a second?"

"Knock yourself out," Death grabbed a pencil, zapped it with some magic, and tossed it over at Harry.

"Well, it's come to this. Creator and the Created. Squaring off while Sid Vicious watches, in the bowels of the Afterlife. Just like Star Wars." JK Rowling kept the typewriter floating in front of her, ready to type in "Harry dies of congenital heart defect that had gone undetected to this point".

Harry wasn't sure which spell he fired. The Elder Pencil did most of the work for him. But maybe it worked. Maybe this would all be worth it.

/…/

/…/

/…/

"Gah!" Harry shot upright in bed. "What a bizarre series of six dreams. But it's all over now." He looked over at the sleeping figure next to him. Might be time for a little "midnight delight" as kids were assuredly calling it these days. "Hey, babe, wake up."

"Again, Harry?" Hermione mumbled, waking up.

/…/

"Gah!" Harry shot upright in bed, shuddering. "We have no chemistry," he told himself, trying to get Hermione saying "feels like I'm wearin' nothin' at all" out of his head. He looked at the figure sound asleep next to him. "Honey, wake up."

"I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend," said Luna as she pulled the covers off of herself.

"Huh," said Harry, "I don't hate this. Plus, you sure do make Lovegood, am I right?"

Luna sighed, putting her palm against her face, "It's "make love well", God you're stupid sometimes."

/…/

"Gah!" Harry shot upright in bed. "Actually, that one wasn't too bad. Well, I guess the Hermione one wasn't terrible either, but I guess I have to at least pretend this is canon and say I hated it. Anyways, who's the lucky lady now?" He threw the covers off his sleeping partner, revealing Sigma (specifically the one from Megaman X4, as you'll see shortly).

"READY FOR ROUND TWO!" Sigma shouted.

/…/

"Gah!" Harry shot upright in bed. "Seriously? Still doing this, I guess," he looked at the sleeping figure next to him, "Might as well bite the bullet here," he threw off the covers, revealing Buckbeak's head.

/…/

"Gah!" Harry shot upright, but he was already in a seated position. So I guess he just sorted, I don't know, vibrated a little bit or something.

"You all right, mate? You blacked out," said Ron. They were still in the Hogkaiser.

"And we've lost all contact with Hannah," said Hermione.

"And it's about time for the chapter to be over," Draco said.

"Damn, Hannah, we'll deal with that in due time. For the moment, I'm glad to be back," Harry said, looking his companions over.

"Dude, you're creeping me out," said Ron.

"Look, we're nearing the finale, and that means it's the "all is lost" moment. Hannah's gone, and I think I beat JK Rowling, but I can't be sure. Hopefully that was the end of the bad things happening, and we can just power through to the end."

"Harry!" Teddy radioed in, "They've broken through! They must have had a plant at the school, and…I don't know how else to say it, but Snape killed Dumbledore."

"No," Harry said silently, "You bitch. You bitch!" He dropped to his knees. The "all is lost" moment had just pooped all over Harry's plans for a better future.

…

"I knew you couldn't do it, my boy," Bellatrix taunted. Neville lay broken and beaten before her, missing both of his arms. "Oh dear, it appears I'm late. I guess I'll finish you off later, in the final chapter. For now, I have places to be. Goodbye son," she Disapparated.

Neville, now missing both his arms, was breathing heavily, using all of his willpower to stop the bleeding. He twisted his face into a grimace, grunting out while the Japanese characters reading "TO BE CONTINUED" appeared above him.

…

"You all right, Harry?" Ginny asked.

"As all right as I could be," he said. The year had ended without any fanfare, because much like JK Rowling I first thought doing each chapter as a year was a neat idea but then it started to screw me over. "I lost two good friends, my two strongest allies in defeating the Voldemorts, Neville never came back from his trip to America so we can assume he's out too…It's just…balls."

Ginny nodded. "It is balls, Harry, but it's balls we can bust together," she took his hand. He gripped hers tightly. He wouldn't lose her this time. He just couldn't.

He didn't make any adjustments to that checklist he had made. He couldn't bear to look at it anymore. He had failed in preventing Dumbledore's and Hannah's deaths, and he wondered if he had really beat JK at all. Perhaps she just let him win, so that he would taste defeat in this universe as well?

Oh, and by the way, Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor Swarm o'Bees was fired when it was revealed he/they were having an illicit relationship with a student, Slytherin Sheila Honeycomb, who was a sentient talking beehive.

NEXT TIME: Ok, next time is the end for really-o's. I know, you're thinking, "This will probably be really stupid" to which I say "Get out of my head, psychic!" But hey, I won't be able to just kind of end the next chapter when it starts getting long without really accomplishing anything, because it'll be the last one! Will Harry turn things around and win despite the odds, or has JK Rowling only allowed the story to continue because it means Harry will taste defeat! Find out in the next awesome chapter, "Harry Wins, The End, No Moral!"


	7. Year Seven Harry Wins, The End, No Moral

The sun was slowly rising on the grounds of Hogwarts, and Harry Potter sighed deeply. How can the grounds feel so empty with only two people gone? Maybe because one was the Headmaster and the other was the school itself? Actually put like that it sort of made sense. And making sense has no place in this melancholy opening of Year Seven. Harry knew it all was coming to a head, for real this time, despite that I promised something like this for every chapter. But there was no escaping it this time, I am not doing an eighth chapter of this, because then the story won't be done for another year or so and I want to get this thing out of my system. So this paragraph kinda went off on its own like five sentences in. This does not bode well. Enjoy the finale!

Harry Potter and the Time Travel Related Pun

Chapter Seven: Harry Wins, The End, No Moral

…

The students of Hogwarts just finished watching the memorial slideshow celebrating the two they'd lost in the previous year. Despite Harry's insistence, the people in charge put Green Day's "Time of Your Life" as the backing music. Also at this point people who remembered Neville noted he wasn't there either.

"A real shame," said McGonagall sadly. She did that tongue-clicking thing that I figure old people must do occasionally. "They will be missed. Now, however, allow me to introduce your new headmaster, Headmaster Alfred Dumbledore, our previous Headmaster's long-lost twin brother no one ever knew about."

Alfred Dumbledore entered. He was totally Albus Dumbledore in a bad wig. Everyone was kind enough to not mention this. "Hey, hey! Whassup?" Oh shit he's one of those hip-acting old people. If he starts rapping I quit. "Now, I know my twin brother never mentioned me to any of you, but he told me everything about running the school so I assure you I'm good on that front and super-reliable to run this place! He also told me that the quickest way to your hearts was through some phat rhymes! Flitwick, drop a beat!" Professor Flitwick shrugged and started playing music, while Dumbledore rapped. I quit. "Oh I'm Alfred Dumbledore, not Albus Dumbledore, so won't the real Dumbledore, please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?"

"Wait," Harry said, "This is really stupid. Like, even for this adventure. What was the point of shit getting real if shit constantly gets less real for no reason? Doesn't this make the whole plot twist of the last year completely inconsequential?" Hannah walked out into the Great Hall, sipping some coffee. Upon noticing Harry, she let out a surprised "Oop!" and backed out.

Dumbledore finished his rap, thankfully. "All right, that about does it. Oh, one last thing, I want to reassure you all that no matter what Voldemort does, I'm twice as strong as my brother and even more handsome, if you can believe that, so he won't mess with Hogwarts as long as I'm around!" He then failed to mention the new Dark Arts professor, in the hope that no one would notice or care. The new Dark Arts professor, by the way, was just some guy. Oh you know what, let's get some synergy up in hurr, the professor was Barry Fairweather, who you may (not) recognize as the only named character in the synopsis of _The Casual Vacancy_ that I found on Wikipedia. As I know nothing of this book other than that it's not called _Harry Potter and the Casual Vacancy_, I'm guessing this dude will not figure much into this chapter. But rest assured, it was him.

"Hello, I'm Professor Barry Fairweather," he said. He's not in the chapter anymore.

"Well," Harry said to Ron, Hermione and Draco, "We have a lot of bullshit to get through, and three whole Voldemorts to kill. Hermione, you're on intel duty, go ask Dumbledore why he lied about dying. Ron, I need you to try out a bunch of weird stuff that would only make sense in certain, very specific contexts. We need to find out what this chapter is directly parodying, and fast. Draco, you'll be on hand to say silly things when we need to break some tension. It's a big job, Luna used to do it, but she's evil now."

"Have you actually thought about how you're going to stop the Voldemorts?" asked Hermione.

"Hermione, you and I need to find out if this is a parody of clumsily written sex stories, so we should probably go bang in the bathroom," Ron suggested.

"I have," Harry said, ignoring Ron in case the chapter's gimmick was that it was one of those stories where everyone ignores Ron so he turns evil so that FINALLY Draco and Hermione can hook up. "And from the way everything else has turned out, I can only assume that it will be a knockdown, drag-out, slobberknocker of a finale."

"And how do you expect to win?" Hermione's whatever-color-they-were eyes narrowed.

"I've got a bit of a plan," he lied, "But we can't do anything until we've learned more about the situation. By the way, has anyone heard anything from Neville?"

…

Neville groggily opened one of his eyes. He was in a bed, in a room, in a small cabin. A strange man was preparing to fix a Hungry Man dinner. "Oh, good, you're up," said he. Neville struggled to get up, but he still didn't have any arms which was a bit of a hindrance.

"Did you save me?" asked Neville. The Stranger, who was dressed as if he were plucked from the set of a John Wayne movie, but not a cowboy-related John Wayne movie, ignored him and set the microwave. "Well, thanks," Neville said. "I'm-"

"Neville Longbottom, I know," said the Stranger. "The second child of destiny."

"Destiny? This is about how the prophecy that applied to Harry applied to me as well?"

"It still did. Still does, sorry," the Stranger clicked his tongue, "For Harry will destroy the resurrected Dark Lord, you shall prevent his soul from ever rejoining."

"The Amulet," Neville muttered, "But I failed. Bellatrix," he swallowed and corrected himself, "My mother got away. She's sure to have found it by now."

"That's where you're wrong my boy. But you have much to do, and," The Stranger glanced at the steadily increasing word count, "not much time to do it. So, let's get you up and out of bed. These should help," The Stranger waggled his fingers. He hardly moved them, it seemed, yet the magic started working immediately. Neville suddenly had two brand new robot arms, each easily twice as powerful as his old one.

"Who are you?" asked Neville.

"It's not who I am, it's who I'm not."

"…Who aren't you?"

The Stranger chuckled. "Magnus ver Magnusson." Well that narrows it down.

…

"Well, whatever Neville's doing, it feels really tangential and pointless in the long run," Harry decided. The others mumbled agreement.

…

After a great deal of time and a class with Barry Fairweather, Harry went to Dumbledore's office. The class with Fairweather, by the way, consisted entirely of the professor weeping that his book has no chance because everyone's going to compare it to the Harry Potter books. He couldn't take that kind of pressure, he explained between sobs and bourbon. But enough about that, Harry was on his way to Dumbledore's office. "Hey Dave," Harry said to the gargoyle.

"Hello Harry," the gargoyle nodded and stepped aside. Up in his office, Dumbledore's ridiculous steampunk crap had been replaced with equally ridiculous clockpunk crap.

"Ah, Mr. Potter," Alfred Dumbledore adjusted his hideous wig and smiled, "Welcome."

"Dumbledore, sir, can we stop this awkward dance of pretending you're not Dumbledore?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," he said loudly, while whispering, "Psst, Harry! It's me, Dumbledore!" He winked.

"Yeah, I know. So, why the secrecy?"

"I'm trying to bait Voldemort into attacking us, because we all know you're not going to take the fight to his doorstep."

"Well, look, if I knew where his hideout was, I'd have gone there a long time ago! Like, literally, that would have been my first stop after coming back in time."

"It doesn't matter, in a way this works out perfectly. Hogwarts is a perfect position to defend, especially since you and your friends discovered that wonderful mechanical creation last year."

"We lost it," Harry said quickly, offering no further details.

Dumbledore's eyes stopped twinkling. "What."

"I took the robot to a Bodeans concert, and I just flat out lost it."

"You…vondruke," Dumbledore sighed, "Well, luckily, I have one Ace up my sleeve. Even though these flowing sleeves could hide a great deal more cards than just one, now that I think about it. My boy, come with me over here." He walked to the other end of the room, and hit a button. Rising out of the ground was a frozen crystal, and within it, a familiar looking figure. "Two hundred years ago, my father received a peculiar letter. It told of a secret within Hogwarts, a supersoldier, a fated protector who would rise up when things seemed their darkest," Dumbledore cast a spell at the crystal, which began to melt. The figure encapsulated within stirred. "The letter specified that it was today, at this very second, right after I called you a vondruke, that I awaken the last, best hope for Hogwarts," the crystal had melted entirely, "Harry, let me introduce, Japanese Harry Potter." Japanese Harry looked like if Harry Potter was a shitty '90's anime character.

"OK!" shouted Japanese Harry, "Get Serious!"

"Is there something wrong with him?" asked Harry.

"Well, he's Japanese, but he can't speak it. Not that he can speak English very well either. If you want nonsensical shouting though, HOO BOY…he's not great at that either."

"GOORANDAH INSTARL!" shouted Japanese Harry.

"Already I hate his gimmick," said Harry.

"Hm, on second thought, yeah, two lines in and it's a little played out. Ok, then, back you go," Dumbledore cast the opposite spell he just did, and Japanese Harry was resealed in the crystal.

"…So, you going to explain this any, or…?"

"No," Dumbledore said after some thought, "No."

"Headmaster!" Hermione entered the room, followed closely by Ron who was wearing thick glasses, "I'm here to gather intel, and so I must know…Harry, why are you here?"

"I just met Japanese Harry Potter," he said.

She acted like he just said something completely reasonable and not moronic, "Well, in any case, we need to find out why you faked your death."

"He already covered that with me. Sorry, Hermione, maybe step up your game a bit."

"Well, jeez, Harry, I've only been a main character in this story for like half a chapter, give me a chance to catch up."

"What's he doing anyway?" Harry asked about Ron.

"Let me just put it this way, you ever read _Methods of Rationality_?" Hermione sighed.

"He better have read it!" Ron said, talking like a nerd from any college-based comedy, "For the illustrious tales of rationality taking everything in our universe far too seriously and making every character into either a foolish strawman or unlikable prick but often both reap wonder and bemusement from quickly Wikipedia'd subjects."

"He's just bitter it has more reviews," Hermione said. "But it's better than when he thought we were doing some kind of weird Family Guy parody."

Quick cut to Ron and Hermione sitting at a table, with her carefully reading a text. "Holy crap, Hermione, this is almost as bad as the time when we would just fill time with pointless conversations and music videos lifted wholesale because it's too hard to write jokes!" Ron said.

"Are you trying to alienate everyone?" Hermione sighed.

Quick cut back to Dumbledore's office. "This is all well and good," Dumbledore lied, "but now, we have to destroy Voldemorts. I've crafted a perfect trap," he showed them his masterwork, "it's a flyer that we'll hang up everywhere, saying that everyone who is even a little bit Voldemort gets a free 7-day cruise in the Bahamas, and then we attack all at once!"

"I have a question," Harry said, "Technically I'm a little bit Voldemort, what with the soul piece, but that part of his soul was destroyed. But certain parts of Voldemort like his ability to talk to snakes and his watersports fetish have been passed on to me. So, do I get a free cruise?"

"Harry there is no cruise."

"And how does someone get a fetish for waterskiing?" Ron asked.

"With all due respect, sir," said Hermione, "but we figured you had a much better plan in mind."

"Oh, you know me, I have like a billion plans all running concurrently. In fact…"

…

"Your training is complete," said the Stranger.

"But I didn't do anything," said Neville.

"You got those robot arms I gave you, that showed a lot of moxie. Now hurry, to the ancient ruins! Your prey awaits you there, as does the amulet."

Neville shrugged, this was good enough for him, and he started to leave, yet… "So, who are you, anyway?"

The Stranger laughed for so long that it got a little awkward. "I'm sorry, my boy, I've been lying to you this whole time. I was Magnus ver Magnusson all along." He nodded and let Neville go on his path. His work was done. All he could do now was hope the boy succeeded. Well, all he could do was hope, and eat his Hungry Man meal.

…

"Yes," Dumbledore nodded, "Plans 331A-456G are moving along nicely, but of course because of that Plan 17 has failed."

"Sir, have you ever made sense?" Harry asked.

"I'm not sure anymore," Dumbledore said. "In any case, we must prepare for the ultimate battle," he pulled out a map of Hogwarts, and put little chess pieces on it to designate both good guys and Voldemorts. "Harry, you and I shall fight Trevormort here," he pointed to the clock tower, "Because that will be really cool and a fitting final showdown, because you both went back in time in order to…whatever it was you planned to do. Hermione, you and Professor McGonagall shall fight Mechamort, because that makes sense to me. Draco, I'm counting on you to fight Neomort without any backup whatsoever, and in fact I'm expecting some of our students to actively hinder you."

Wait, was Draco in the room? Well, shit, he is now. "Aw, come on!"

"Ron, you will be tasked with capturing Luna so we can unbrainwash her. Don't kill her, and promise me you won't suddenly fall in love with her."

"Is that really a problem?" asked Ron, "I mean, has she mentioned anything about liking me? Harry, maybe this is a parody of those stories where you and Hermione hook up, so I'm awkwardly paired off with Luna or something! I mean, I can jump on that grenade, if that's what you guys want. Nothing wrong with a little crazy now and then. I'm not a guy that needs all crazy all the time, but it can spice things up every once in a while, am I right?" Ron just realized he was alone, the others had all left to prepare. "Maybe, just maybe, this is a parody of Glee, because," he began singing, "Nobody knoooooows, the trouble I've seen…"

…

The day of reckoning had finally come. Also so had the Voldemorts, who showed up at Hogwarts, chomping at the bit for their free cruise. This was just a tad suspicious, and if they weren't pretty drunk by the time they showed up then surely one of them would have raised a complaint about it. Also Luna was there why not. "We're here," said Trevormort, "Where is our cruise?"

A cloaked figure answered the door. "Ah, yes, I did not expect all of you to come at once. We shall have you fill out your information for the free cruise in separate areas."

"Why?" asked Neomort.

"To prevent you from cheating off each other's forms, obviously," laughed the figure, "Right this way, someone will show you in," the figure paid special attention to Luna as she entered. "Oh, young miss, I'm terribly sorry, but this is chapter is a parody of those stories where Ron is super-helpful and awesome," the figure threw off its cloak, revealing Seamus Finnegan! Wait, not him. Revealing Ron Weasley!

"You'll never stop me, my love will ring true!" Luna said, as she drew her wand.

"Well, too bad. Y'see, there's something you never realized about me all these years. It's a long story, and it goes back to the story being a Glee parody-"

"Ugh, doesn't Glee have enough wizards already?" Luna sighed.

"Quiet you. But you see, when I was, a young boy, my father, took me into the city, to see a marching band. He said son when, you grow up, would you be, the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Because one day, I'll leave you, a phantom, to lead you in the summer, to join the black parade!"

"For once, it is I who is confused," Luna said, because being on the other side of a lyric storm is kind of annoying.

"WHEN I WAS! A YOUNG BOY!" Ron shouted.

…

Mechamort entered the library, when he realized something was amiss. "I think they rearranged things since I went here," he said. Indeed they had, as the Magical Dewey Decimal system went through a slight restructuring in 1982, due to Margaret Thatcher's tyrannical rule of the country. I know nothing of British politics, but a British friend has assured me the previous statement is the height of hilarity, succeeded only by men in women's clothing. But if Mechamort were paying slightly more attention, he would have realized something else was amiss. Namely, the two witches were poised to take him down as he sat and began filling out the paperwork to receive his prize.

"It's over, Mechamort," said Hermione, feeling cool for once in her life. Enjoy it while it lasts, Granger, as soon as this thing ends you're back to canon where you do all the work and Harry gets all the credit.

"Ha, some Muggleborn thinks she is better than I am? I'd say don't make me laugh, except I already sort of did by saying "ha" just then."

"You can't win," said McGonagall. That was pretty much all she had to say. Why was she here again?

"Thanks for the update, McGonagall," sneered Mechamort. Wait does he know who she is?

Hermione looked to be pretty confident with herself. "No, seriously, we're going to win this. No good character has died at all in this stupid story, considering Dumbledore and Hannah were apparently just faking their deaths, Dumbledore for reasons he revealed to Harry and Hannah because I don't know, I guess she was just tired of hanging around with Harry or something. But yeah, we're not going to start losing good guys now in the fourth quarter. And I'm not saying fourth quarter as some kind of Muggle Sport reference like in Football or Basketball, and of course I refer to American Football instead of British Football, and NBA Basketball as opposed to college NCAA basketball. For British Football and NCAA Basketball use halves instead of quarters, as opposed to the quarters I mentioned before. I only use Muggle sports as a reference because Quidditch, of which the both of you would be familiar with and would thus not need such a long explanation, famously does not divide its gameplay into periods of time but instead lasts until Harry, I mean, the Seeker, catches the Snitch."

Satisfied that Hermione was done talking, McGonagall said, "I can see why you're an honorary Ravenclaw."

Hermione blushed, "Well…"

"Because you're a HUGE NERD," McGonagall said.

"Heh," Mechamort laughed, "Nice burn."

"Thank you. I mean, not thank you, exactly, because you're evil and everything, but it was a pretty nice burn I suppose."

"Yeah, we should probably fight now, huh?"

…

Neomort was led to the Quidditch field, where the stands were filled with the entire student body and remaining faculty. Ok, Hagrid fans, here's his one non-speaking appearance in the story, because he was probably in the stands. Unless he was using the can or something.

"So this is what it's come to? An entire force of students and teachers have been sent here to stop me?" Neomort laughed. The Hogwarts of his future tried this. It didn't work out too well for them.

"No," said Draco, "Just me."

"Malfoy. In my time you knew better than to resist us, and in fact you were one of my top generals. A shame the Weasley boy managed to kill you."

"Wait, Ron kills me? Well, that settles it, I'm going to make my own future right here!"

In the stands, Slytherin students Jonathon Statler and Waldorf Hightides noted the courage of the young Malfoy. "He's standing up to Voldemort, even if it means he dies," said Statler.

"Hell, if it meant I got out of being in this story, I'd die too!" said Waldorf.

"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"

…

"Figures you'd be here for this, Potter," said Trevormort. "You just had to ruin everything, didn't you?"

"Ruin? I thought I pretty clearly fixed most of what went wrong the first time. Sure, I may have destroyed any of the tension that would have been present otherwise, but I like this better."

"Oh, but you ruined it, don't you see? Or didn't Miss Rowling fill you in on that?"

"Well, no, she was kinda busy writing the," Harry swallowed, cross-promotion was so humiliating, "future best-selling novel _The Casual Vacancy_ to tell me about any of that stuff."

"You see, this started as a fix-fic, as the lords of fanfiction have called it, but it was not what you thought it was. It was not a chance for you to fix everything, but for me to! That is why I went back in time, became Magical Trevor, and lived out my life at Hogwarts. Everything was supposed to be perfect."

"Wait, I thought that was all an act?"

"No, I manipulated my own memory, cleared my mind of any evil intentions, and just wanted to go through school, perfectly normal, and eventually get a job as a government drone."

"I thought you said that was just to learn the truth about love so you could defeat me?" Harry asked because GOD FORBID this story be inconsistent.

"You didn't let me finish. For that was my intention, I would live my life as normal, and if the Voldemort of this timeline was revived, then so be it. The problem was what happened each year, as you took out more and more of my Horcruxes. Feelings, memories, sensations, awoke in me with each one's destruction. It was then that I realized you would not let me redeem myself, Harry Potter, that I had to destroy you. That damnable prophecy would haunt me, even if I tried to avoid it. So by attempting to prevent my reign, you have only assured it would happen."

"Excuse me," said Dumbledore, still wearing his Alfred Dumbledore wig, "But I'm pretty sure this is all bullshit."

"You're in no position to talk, given your own tendency to whitewash your history in order to appear a good person," Trevormort spat.

"No, I agree with the Headmaster. This sounds like you just threw this all together on the walk over in the hopes that I'll feel bad about fighting you so you can sucker punch me with an Avada Kedavra."

"Ha!" Trevormort laughed, "Well, I guess I'm not as good an actor as that dashing Ralph Fiennes."

"He was in _Maid in Manhattan_!" Dumbeldore offered helpfully.

"But I have no need for the Avada Kedavra. For it is true- I have learned the secrets of love. And more importantly, I have weaponized it." He waved his wand in a manner unfamiliar to both Harry and Dumbledore, "_Complexus Amor_" he whispered softly, as if it were into a lover's butt. A ray of light shot forth, and Harry was too mesmerized by it. It was the most piercing, beautiful color of crimson that if he could, Harry would have had sex with the color. Dumbledore leapt into action, throwing up a Shield charm to protect him, but the ray went through the charm like it wasn't even there. Ok, technically Dumbledore put up the charm late, but I was cutting him some slack because he's old.

Harry was thrown back into the wall of the castle, and flopped down the wall like he was one of those dollar store frog toys with the sticky feet that you throw at the wall and then they flop down it. Yeah, I used up all my good descriptions with "he wanted to bang that color" which really says more about me than anything else. "Headmaster?" He said weakly.

"Yes, Harry?"

"We are so boned, dude."

…

In the post-apocalyptic ruins of Detroit, Neville had found it. The ancient history museum. Inside of it would be the Amulet of Marakesh and, most likely, Bellatrix Lestrange. Hopefully, with the training (i.e. robot arms) that Magnus ver Magnusson gave him, he could defeat her. But even if he could defeat her, could he kill her? His own mother, providing she was telling the truth which now seemed like a much crazier proposition? Could she be redeemed, or had her last bit of humanity been eaten away by the Dementors? He liked to think he could save her, but he knew not if that strength lie within him. "Mother," he said to her as he approached her.

She turned away from the safe that held her prize locked away. "Come to join me, son?"

He shook his head. "I've come to destroy the Amulet. If I do that, then, depending on how time travel has decided to work for this chapter, it will create a paradox and undo all this damage."

"Or it would undo the world. It would create so many plotholes and spelling errors," hey those aren't my fault, it's proofreading's for being so damn boring, "that everything would just shut down. Could you live with yourself, if by doing the right thing you have doomed us all?"

"I guess it wouldn't be my place to worry, if we had all died."

She smiled. "Exactly the answer I would have expected from you." She drew her wand. His robot arms activated.

…

Ron was ducking behind a conjured rock for cover. Luna was no slouch in spell casting. That and she was distracting. He kept listening to her talk, figuring she'd give some verbal cues as to her spells, but she decided to sing the entire soundtrack of _Newsies_ on loop and that was really throwing off his game. She'd also pepper in trivia about the film, such as, "Did you know Christian Bale was the main character? If you've ever wanted to see Batman sing and talk with a Brooklyn accent, this is about as close as you're going to get."

"I can't get a shot at her!" Ron grumbled, but he had to admit, "But then I'm not really trying that hard." He put slightly more effort into his next number one stunning spell, and it knocked her off her feet. "Wow," he said, "When I actually put my mind to it, I can do anything! It's too bad this is the end of the story so I can't actually put that lesson to good use…UNLESS I also send my brain back in time, yeah! And I can- Ow!" He didn't know exactly who did it, but he felt someone thwack him in the back of the head. He figured he would just count this as a win and not go back in time. A quick entanglement spell later and Luna was in magically conjured chains. "Now, let's see who you REALLY are!" Ron pulled on her chin and nose.

"Owch! Unhand me you ruffian!"

"Oh, right, you're Luna. Never mind, thought you were in a disguise for some reason."

…

"Come on McGonagall," said Hermione, "Ron already finished his thing, and you can't say that two of us are worse wizards than Ron, can you?"

"Wait," said McGonagall, "Mechamort has the logical mind of a robot, perhaps if-"

"Wait!" interrupted Hermione, "Mechamort has the logical mind of a robot! Perhaps if we overload him with a paradox, we can defeat him that way." McGonagall was actually thankful she interrupted, for her original suggestion would be that they try to seduce him. Hermione did a sweet-ass ninja run along one of the bookcases to dodge a spell, then called, "Hey Mechamort!"

"Yeah?"

"I have seven apples. Professor McGonagall has negative three apples. How many apples do we have?"

"Wait, how does she have "negative" apples? I, what, how, nobody hurt hurt hurt, friend friend friend" his head exploded. Then the rest of him exploded, and his naked robot butt flew right by McGonagall's head, so that her lips brushed against it.

"Oh come on!" McGonagall took off her witch hat and threw it to the ground. Then, with a casual glance at Hermione, she said, "That was good work. But honestly you could have just asked what six times three was. We're not very good at math."

Hermione burst into what could be reasonably called maniacal laughter. "That's right, bitches! Hermione Granger did something heroic! Don't call it a comeback! I've been here for years! Rockin' my peers and puttin' suckas in fear! Makin' the tears run down like a MON-soon! Listen to the bass go BOOM!" Well damn, I guess Ron was right about it being an "everyone breaks into random-ass songs" parody.

…

"Ok, Draco, you can do this," Draco told himself, "Sure, he's the most powerful Dark Wizard ever from an alternate timeline where he's regained his youth and magical power so if anything he's even more pants-shittingly terrifying than he was before, but you've accomplished less likely things. You somehow became the redeemed former rival character despite not appearing at all in the first chapter, I mean, you became a major character before Granger did! That's pretty good I'd say." Draco unholstered his wand, shouting, "Neomort! Your reign of terror that has yet to begin ends today!"

"Kid, what's the deal here?" asked Neomort, who kept going through the motions for spells, while his wand only fired a little flag that said "bang!" on it.

"Hm. I'm not sure," Draco said, trying to fire a spell off as well. The spell came out as a little spurt of sparks. "How embarrassing, I swear that's never happened to me before," he said awkwardly.

"That's all thanks to me," said someone who calmly strolled out onto the pitch. "Turned out we did manage to provide you with some backup, Draco."

"Who's he?" asked Draco, and I was just getting to that, you jerk, JEEZ.

"You! We killed you!" Neomort sputtered.

"You thought you did. However, I, Schmelvin Mitchellstork, the MOST IMPORTANT CHARACTER PERHAPS EVER can not be defeated by such means!" The student revealed himself. Man, I'm going to be so pissed if, like, the day after uploading this I remember some other dangling plot thread that didn't get thrown into this chapter somehow. "For you see, I have a peculiarity with my magic use. I can do it perfectly fine, but when magic is cast at me, it is harmlessly absorbed by my body. In any other fanfic I would be a God, or at least, the end villain for Harry to defeat, but in this one I'll settle for helping Draco defeat you."

"So, wait, how come we can't cast spells, then?" asked Draco.

"Magic," explained Schmelvin Mitchellstork.

"So, all I have to do is kill you," said Neomort, "Then I can get my magic back and kill him?"

"Go ahead, try."

"Avada Kedavra!" Neomort said, to no effect. "Oh. Ohhhhhh. Right. I suppose I must have looked rather foolish just then."

"A little bit," said Draco, who sheathed his wand and put up his dukes, "Come on, Neomort! Let's finish each other like men! With our fists!" The crowd of students laughed. The two Slytherins charged each other, because I can't just have every battle end so suddenly.

…

But this one can. Neville's robotic fists flew in a hurricane, punching Bellatrix's spells out of the air. To her credit, the Madame Lestrange was firing off spells like her wand was a machine gun, but to his credit, his arms were moving at the speed of light. "WAH-TATATATATATATATATATATA!" Neville shouted as each punch was thrown. It was a stalemate, until he remembered his mentor's words.

"You want some of this Hungry Man?" came Magnus's voice.

This was just what Neville needed. Now his fists fired spells of their own, cycling through every single one he knew. Spell collided with spell, others redirected each other, some even combined into one spell that flew off in a perpendicular fashion. All he needed, though, was one to hit. After an eternity of attacks, his spirit and also his MP drained, Neville landed a Stupefy, and Bellatrix fell to the ground. He moved on instinct, his mind too strained to think, and he smashed the Amulet of Marakesh underneath his boot. He collapsed, every muscle in his body including his robotic ones screaming at him to stop for like two seconds. His mission was accomplished. It didn't matter if she killed him now.

With a snarl, Bellatrix reached for her wand. "Such a shame you had to do that, son. We could have been something, my boy. Now that can never happen, sweet child o' mine. Now you've made a huge mistake, the offspring." She grabbed her wand and pointed it at her son. He may have been too soft to kill his flesh and blood, but a lifetime of various untreated mental disorders meant she could.

"NOT MY DAUGHTER'S FRIEND YOU BITCH!" Ron's Mom rode in on a white horse and hit Bellatrix with a spell that, if the movies are anything to go by, made her deflate and then shatter into a million pieces. And, I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that seems like a horrible way to die. I mean, Avada Kedavra kills you, but it's shown or at least implied to be instantaneous. Sure, some of the victims looked to be scared to death, but that could have just as easily been Voldemort posing their bodies after killing them because the whole point of the books is that Voldemort's kind of a dick. He probably also took their wallets after killing them, and then pooped into the tank part of their toilet so that when people try to flush it poop-water comes out. "Hello, Neville," said Ron's Mom.

"Er, hello Mrs. Weasley," he said, "Uh, thanks for saving me."

"Oh, no problem. You see, me and her had a long-standing battle that went unmentioned up to this point, so it was really good for my character arc for me to be the one to defeat her."

"…Wait, why are you here?"

"It's a long story," she lied, "Come on, now, let's get you home."

…

Let's check in with Harry. "Crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap!" He shouted as he ran around the clock tower dodging weaponized love. Yeah, he'll be doing that a while.

…

The school band was playing every motivational song they knew, which as it turns out was just the intro to "Eye of the Tiger", as Draco and Neomort traded blows like, well, like an uncoordinated teenager and a guy who never had to do anything physical in his life. I'd go on a long and space-filling rant about why aren't there more fat wizards, but I've already done that bit sixty times in this story and don't want it to get stale on me. Schmelvin just kind of hung around, he was helping enough already by making it so Neomort couldn't cast magic, why bother helping any more?

"You fight like an old woman, Malfoy!" spat Neomort.

"I'll have you know," said Draco, "An old woman kicked my ass two years ago!" He got behind Neomort and drove him into the ground with a suplex. He then kicked him a little.

"Yeah, same here, that's why I said it," Neomort said, "But I have one attack I learned in India, that will destroy your very soul! Ultimate Dick Punch!" He punched Draco in the crotch. "Ha! You are already dead!"

But he wasn't. For the Ultimate Dick Punch, which obviously only works when it actually connects with one's dick, had missed. Draco shrugged, and punched Neomort in the face, knocking him to the ground. "Wrong again, duckface!" No, that wasn't a typo, because Neomort was making a duckface after his assumed victory.

"But, how? That should have killed you?" Neomort asked, when he felt the anti-magic field being lifted. Draco aimed his wand at him.

"Now the wand is in the other hand!" Draco said, when the ghostly form of his father appeared. "Father? You're dead?"

"What? No. I'm high as shit and decided to astral project myself. What's up?"

"I'm uh, about to kill your old boss."

"Son, if I've taught you anything, it's that we Malfoys attach ourselves to the winning team. What do you say we do this together?"

"FATHER-SON AVADA KEDAVRA!" Draco and Lucius shouted, and Neomort exploded completely down to his last cell, so he had no chance of regenerating.

"Oh," said Ron, "I guess it's more Dragon Ball Z shit, that's why I couldn't guess what parody it was going to be." He had gotten into the stands with a hastily-unbrainwashed Luna.

The apparition of Draco's father disappeared, and the other students took the field. "Well done, Draco," said Snape, "I guess I can reveal now that I wasn't evil this whole time," the rest of Slytherin was kind of disappointed. "But, how did you survive the Dark Lord's ultimate attack?"

"Uh…"

"Because he hit you square in the crotch," Snape conjured a magical microphone and put it next to Draco's mouth, so that everyone would be able to hear him, "I'm just saying, for him to have missed, your thing must be like, medically fascinating in how small it is."

"No, he just, I don't know, he missed or something," Draco shrugged, "Hey, how about we get a chant going? Let's go Draco," he clapped in rapid succession, "Let's go Draco."

"That's too bad," said Astoria Greengrass, who appeared like a Scottish mist next to him, "that thing's kinda my fetish."

"…I meant to say, who's got two thumbs and little dong? THIS GUY!" He pointed at himself.

…

"Man, why does everyone else get such easy, comedic final boss fights when this asshole is like unbeatable?" Harry whined as he hid from Trevormort. "And seriously, why are you just trying to kill me? Dumbledore's here too!"

"Oh, not cool, Harry," said Dumbledore, who was hoping Trevormort would just forget about him. "I was going to suggest that maybe he's a gimmicky final boss where you have to, I don't know, use the knowledge you learned way back in chapter one in order to defeat him."

"Wait! Dumbledore, you're a genius!" Harry then racked his SUPER MEMORY, which remember is canon in Deathly Hallows, and then he said, "You're wrong, Trevor! There was another who weaponized love!" He blew the door open and rushed back into the castle, throwing a few Stupefy spells just to keep Trevormort from gaining the upper hand.

"Don't flatter yourself, Potter, you hardly mastered it the way I have," Trevormort fired his deadly ray.

"I'm not talking about me, I'm talking about him!" Harry kicked open the bathroom door, and the hipster ghost emerged.

"My dream girl is oh-so-pretty, and I'd really really love if she'd sit on my face," he sang to gentle yet terrible acoustic guitar backing.

"Gh! A callback to a throwaway joke from the first chapter! Damn you continuity!" He lost control of his magic, the love ray seemed to be firing from whatever part of his body that would host it rather than through his wand. Beams were fired everywhere, until Trevormort's life force was completely expended. He turned into dust, his last words a whispered "Fuck all y'all."

"Ha, I did it," Harry said.

"No, Harry, we did it," said Hannah, who appeared suddenly, a fresh cup of coffee in her hand.

"Hey screw you, you didn't do anything!" Harry said.

"I did about as much as you did in that battle. I guess even in this timeline you're doing your best when you just wait around until the villain defeats himself."

"Ok, accurate but kinda harsh. But wait a minute, what was the deal with you dying? I thought JK Rowling killed you for sure."

She laughed. "Harry, I already told you. Every cycle I go through, I fake my death and then judge my class on the slideshow. Which, by the way, you passed, but just barely. F Plus," she said.

"So, she was in on it?"

"Kid, we're winding down here. If you really want to talk about the plot, be my guest, but just know I'm going to be not listening and thinking about spider monkeys."

"You mean "thinking about tigers", right?"

She thought a bit, "Nope, I had it right."

"So it's finally over," Harry said, ordinarily I'd say by doing this he was violating the Cardinal Rule of Never Saying It's Over Because Then That Just Means We're Going to Pull Some Other Conflict Out of Our Collective Ass So It Ends Up Not Being Over, (also known as the American Godzilla Rule) but nah, he's good.

"So, kid, you went back in time to fix all this stuff. How would you say it went?"

"Eh," he said, "About what I expected. Although…"

"What's wrong?"

"It's just, Ron said this was a musical parody chapter, and he got like two songs, and Hermione got a song, Draco probably would've gotten a song if he stopped talking about his wiener, but I didn't get one."

"Not over yet," Hannah shrugged. "Hey, Ghostie, how about you give us a little Green Day?" The hipster ghost scoffed, muttering about he liked Green Day before it was cool, and then later disliked Green Day before that was cool, too, but started playing. "It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right, I hope you had the time of your life."

Harry grinned, joining in, "Can we forget about the things I said when I was drunk? I didn't mean to call you that."

Hannah and the hipster ghost sighed. "That's not Green Day, that's Lit, you pleb," spat the ghost.

…

"And so, Harry had fixed everything, even though things got a little hairy and there were tons of plots that ended up going nowhere," JK Rowling said. She was at her publisher's office, holding the manuscript for _Harry Potter and the Search for More Money_. "I suppose I could add an epilogue where I discuss who everyone ends up with, but that's largely unchanged."

"Get out," said the publisher, who added after a pause "Of my dreams and into my car."

EPILOGUE

One of the problems with this being a story as opposed to a more auditory medium is that at this point, I can only merely suggest that you play the song _Shout _(Or, barring that, any song from the _Animal House_ soundtrack will do) during the epilogue. Ok, let's get this thing started.

Harry Potter- '97

Harry swore up and down that he was done having adventures for real, that he'd settle down and eventually marry Ginny Weasley. The only problem was that in this timeline, Ginny said she would only accept an engagement ring made of crystallized dragon tears. Harry reportedly shrugged, said "Here we go again!" and was off on his latest adventure.

Ginny Potter- '98

When Harry returned with the dragon tear engagement ring, she married him on the spot, not having expected him to actually do it. Together, they raised three kids, a girl, Lily, and two boys, James and Hannah. Hannah Potter hates his family sooooooo badly.

Ron Weasley- '01

Although he thought he graduated with his friends in 1997, it turns out he was missing a Herbology credit he needed. So he went back to school in the year 2000, got himself a spot on the Quidditch team again, and had all sorts of wacky shenanigans. Hermione frequently asked why didn't he just get his GED and was ignored on each occasion.

Hermione Granger-Weasley- '97

She married Ron after he completed schooling. She became a Magical District Attorney, and often times meets with Wizard Batman when he needs to talk about how he is the hero Knockturn Alley needs. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Hermione and Wizard Batman are NOT having an affair. She and Ron had two snot-nosed wienerkids, Victor (named after novelist Victor Hugo) and Rose (named after actress Rose McGowan). You can probably guess which parent got to pick which name.

Draco Malfoy- '97

The Snake-o from Waco married Astoria Greengrass, because honestly, who else was he going to marry, Pansy Parkinson? She didn't even appear in this story. Also JK Rowling hated the crap out of Pansy Parkinson so of course she doesn't get a happy ending.

Pansy Parkinson- N/A

OD'd in a gutter.

Tedward "Teddy" Tonks- '17

Returned to his future. Unfortunately, he discovered that due to the way time travel decided to work, Neomort was alive and well when he came back. Stronger from his training in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber, however, he easily defeated Neomort. Then he was only a child during the next saga, but his adult form made a cameo in Harry Potter GT, which wasn't written by JK Rowling and was really terrible.

The Dumbledore Painting- N/A

Went on to write a book about his theory of time-travel. Actually he didn't, because he didn't have hands to write anything. And he sort of forgot what his theory of time-travel was. When Neville returned from America, the Painting joined up with him, the two of them becoming drifters, conmen, and later astronauts.

Neville Longbottom- N/A

I already said what happened to him during the Dumbledore Painting's thing. Look up slightly if you missed it.

Luna Lovegood- '98

Did not marry Neville. I know, weird, right?

Hannah "Weasley" the Spirit of Hogwarts- N/A

For whatever reason, most of those who had interacted with her while she was at the school had little memory of her. They could recall some vague details, but would often and easily change the subject to '90's music. Nineteen years later, however, a familiar looking girl met with the young James Potter and told him they were going to be best friends.

The Weasley Cousin- N/A

His plane was shot down over the Plothole Ocean. It spun in. There were no survivors.

END_

Welp, that's about it for me. Writing this thing has been…a thing. I wasn't lying when I said I lost my description abilities. Please, if you enjoyed even a sentence of this story, get yourself some professional help. Or review, that works too. Hell, if you hated it review. If you're the author of _Methods of Rationality_ and are mad I made fun of your story, you can send your legion of fans to hate on this, but only if their hate-reviews are as smug as Harry is in your fanfic. Come at me, bro!

Oh yeah, I guess I should probably plug my next project, _The Girl From The Hunger Games and the Time-Travel Related Pun_. I foresee this project to be completed in about four-to-twelve years, so if you want a sneak peek just open this story in Word and do a find-replace of all the Harry Potter names and change them to names Orson Scott Card would have thrown out of a first draft. And…yep! Alienated everyone. Good night everybody!

Jonathon Statler and Waldorf Hightides sat in the empty theater. "You know, the story got a little weird at times, but I really like one thing it had in common with the Harry Potter series," said Statler.

"Oh yeah? What's that?" asked Waldorf.

"It's over with!"

"DOHOHOHOHOHO!"


End file.
